Passive Aggressive Partners

Help! I live with a passive aggressive man (I know, you ask why). Well, I've just now come out of the clouds and done lots of reading on it. Just want some support on this issues, particularly on some strategies on how to deal with it.

At the moment, I need him to help me with some of my living expenses and I'm in no financial position to move; put deposits down and such. So, I would like to be able to lean on some other sources to help me deal with this. I knew him in high school and I do trust him around my stuff and I know he's not abusive, etc...

I do love this man and until I can figure out where my life needs to go, with or without him I need to coexist with him as I'm not really ready for a major change. It took me two years to figure this out! I'm usually smarter than this, but given I've not had a past dating history, this one threw me for a loop.

I would like some feedback!

Thank you!

I think passive-aggressive behavior is abusive, so while you may not feel abused, if you have children, I'd watch out for how he treats them. I've known a handful of people who I'd say were profoundly passive-aggressive, they shared these traits in common: they hold grudges until the end of time, they don't give up and they don't forget. I think they're just a covert version of anti-social personality.

Ah, that is such an interesting topic. My neighbor friend, with whom I've recently returned from a trip to Lake Erie, just she and I, opened up about how her husband has always exhibited "passive-agressive" behavior. This woman is nearing age 70, and has withstood this all her life. I don't know how she has managed. She recalled many, many examples of what would be classified as passive-aggressive from her husband, and from the early courtship (in their teens onward!)...I had to bite my tongue to suggest she should leave him, but at their ages, and with her having not means of financial support (which has always been the case for her), this would be impractical. She has put up with it all her life, all these years. Sad.
I struck out on my own after 20 years of unhappy marriage, but my ex was never passive-aggressive. In some ways, this syndrome is the worst to live with.

I just found out my husband of 30 years has this. I have Borderline Personality Disorder myself, What a combo we make! I am so confused on this. Does anyone have good info on links, books, etc. Any help would be appreciated!

I just found out my husband of 30 years has this. Lot's of things make since now!
I have BPD, what a combo we make!
I am looking for info on Passive Aggressive, books links etc..
Also does any medicine help?

Great the computer ate my message. Let me try this again. What is passive aggressive. I have heard that term somewhere so it must have been worthy of remembering. I just can't seem to remember it. ADD is great

Hi Big Mama,

Passive-Aggressive Behavior,-The phrase is used to describe behavior or personality trait that involves acting indirectly aggressive rather than directly aggressive. P/A behavior may manifest itself in a number of different ways.

Ambiguity--They rarely mean what they say, or say what they mean.
Forgetfulness--They avoid responsibility by "Forgetting".
Blaming--They are never, responsible for their actions.
Lack of Anger--They rarely express anger.
Fear of Intimacy--They often don't trust.
Obstructionism--If you want something done, be ready to wait, or you may never get it.
Procrastination--They believe deadlines are for everyone but them.
Victimization-- They feel they are treated unfairly.
These are a few of the traits of a Passive Aggressive Person, For more info, go to

About.com/od/abusiverelationships/a/Pass_Agg.htm

I hope this helps, I too had heard the term many times, but when My Therapist told me to do a little research on it, I was shocked. It fit my Husband perfectly, even he agreed it fit him. He said he would get help immediately, but the Passive-Aggressive side must have taken over, because it has been 2 weeks, and he still has not received any help!

Thank you so much. That does answer some questions for me. I will be SURE to check out that web site after everyone goes to sleep.

Yes my son fits all those examples above. He has been passive -aggressive since a teen.....

Hmmm, ok so while I am trying to deal with my husband's up/down cycles of depression, I know I need to learn how to communicate better... looking at this list I wonder if I am passive/aggressive? He accuses me of this, but from this list I can honestly admit to only two of these.

Perhaps the 'blaming' yes, to a degree. Although I know I do this as a defence mechanism when husband is in his angry, accusation mode - I am determined not to give him any satisfaction for his accusations because I feel angry, hurt and frustrated with the way he's behaving.

The 'victimisation' only when he's blown up at me, threatened to leave, put me under stress for days wondering if I am suddenly going to have to sort out finances, etc etc.. then yes I feel he is treating me unfairly. This is not something I feel in general in life at all.

Does that make me passive aggressive?

I feel in general that I get on well with most people, have a good social life, take responsibility for my actions and generally feel happy and satisfied with my life and my achievements. I don't like conflict and confrontations, and want to make my kids & family members feel loved an valued.

Now I'm confused. Maybe I am a bit horrible like he accuses me of when he's in full flight?

TravelingCupcake, passive-aggressive people frequently accuse others of being passive-aggressive. Hon, it's not "blaming" if you call him on his stuff when he's blown up at you. It's trying to get him to take responsibility (something P/A folks will never do.) Frankly your husband sounds like the passive-aggressive one.

I have trouble with this; like you feel your responsibility for yourself is his problem! "I need him to help me" is using another person. The correct terminology is, "I would like him to help me," in which case you ask him, "Hey, could you loan me $42.12 to pay my cell phone bill this month; I'm looking into a job I hope to get and if I do I can pay you back in 30 days." Anything else, what's in it for the other person? But to get someone else's help, you have to ask them for it; it is not their job to know you need help and to offer you help (especially if they don't particularly want to or are, for their own reasons unable to give it to you; they have their own bills/uses for their money). We do not "deserve" someone else's help, it's a gift when it's given!

my mother fits the bill on passive aggressiveness. she is your typical martyr control freak. avoidant personality. it triggers my bpd so bad. she may be bpd as well,just interalizes moreso and i'm very outward. anyway...i think my now ex boyf/roommate has passive aggressive qualities. he reminds me a lot of the qualities listed and of my mom too. all his letters to me are with 'you' this and 'you' that...and list allll the things he has done for me and my kids....blah blah......and 'what do you want me to do' and 'what else do you want me to do'. victim. blame. drama. no accountability. i hate it.

TravelingCupcake,
Everyone has Passive Aggresive Tendancies. In fact the latest DSM has taken out this specific disorder, and it is now specified as a Personality Disorder-NOS. In other words, they no longer specify it as a seperate disorder, because everybody has some traights of Passive Aggressive in them.
I am not a professional, but from living with someone with this disorder for 30 years, you know if you or this person has it to an extreme or not.
I wish I would have listened to the nagging voice inside of me, when I would think -He is doing this on purpose-How could someone do this to someone they love--It must be my imagination-No one would hurt someone they love like this, etc..
You do not sound like you are purposely hurting your husband. You sound frustrated, but that does not mean you have Passive Aggressive Syndrome.
My advice would be to talk to a reputable, therapist, clergy, or search Message Boards.
The more I am finding out about this, the more surprised I am. It has been over a month since I found out about this disorder, and I never agreed with people until tonight, It is a form of ABUSE.
So if you feel you have it, please seek help!

I agree with lizard lady!

I left my husband 5 years ago after 33 years of living in the same house as him....but even for the last 13 years of those 33 years, we were living separately under the same roof.

It wasn't until last week that the light bulb came on & I realized that all these years I had been living with a major case of passive aggressive husband. It just dawned on me why I overreacted with suicide attempts when I lost my career....my only escape from my marriage.....then I really felt trapped......but from 1994 until 2012, I had no idea that it was his passive aggressiveness that was causing me all the horrible troubles I was going through from my anxiety to major depression to even the anorexia I have been dealing with caused mostly by stress.

I can start with issues even before we were married.....the issues that were red flags even before the wedding that I remember saying, I don't want to get married to this jerk.....but my mother didn't see it....she saw the "nice guy". I saw the guy who was always laying blame for his situation on the other person, the guy who would never take responsibility for his behavior....but would tell you he was going to do something & then never do it......everyone else saw the "nice guy"....living with him, I saw the real guy.....& I couldn't stand him even before we got married which I am sure is even more reason for the marriage to fail because I never felt love for him from the beginning, I only felt adversarial roles & personalities.

After I left him, he went 10 months after the IRS sent him a letter about back taxes without EVER calling & corresponding with them...it wasn't until I found out about it that I was the one to take over & take care of it. I had no idea he ever received the letter let alone ignored it until I finally had the mail forwarded to my own farm I bought 2100 miles away from him.

Oh yes, over the last 1 1/2 years, he didn't bother to pay the property taxes on the house he's living in that we are both owners of.....didn't tell me anything.....& even had the nerve to tell me that he paid the taxes when he gave me the tax information for me to file taxes....good thing I filed an extension.......but when I confronted him about lying to me about paying them....his comment was "I can't remember everything".....how does a normal person just happen to not remember that he went 1 1/2 years without paying his property taxes & just forgets a thing like that??????? Unless he has the beginnings of dementia.....it's his passive aggressive personality.

The house is in foreclosure & I have had piles of questions that I wanted answered.....of course...no reply.....but to get the loan modification, he needs me to file the quit claim......which I told him I would file when he gave me the information & answers I wanted from him.....he gave me 1/2 assed answers & more non=information that created more questions which I added to the list before letting go of the quit claim.....20 days later, I haven't heard from him....not one little word even with all the reminders that I am still sitting on the quit claim & now I'm sure that he's changed his mind on the loan modification because he's refused to respond to me in the way that's required for the quit claim to be sent.

Even holding a baseball bat to his head doesn't change his passive aggressive behavior.

I have hated him from before we were married & my feelings for him over the almost 40 years I have known him hasn't changed my attitude toward him......he's always the innocent one & everyone should feel so sorry for him the way he's treated by everyone.

Oh yes, another priceless passive aggressive parts of his behavior.....this one really made me laugh & jump all over him......He claimes that he was not successful in his engineering career because he went to a Cal State University school rather than getting to go to Cal Tech because he didn't want his parents to pay that much for his education when he had younger brothers & sister who they would also have to provide an education for.....turns out only his younger brother went to college.....& his younger brother went to the same Cal State university that he did, had a wonderful internship position while he was finishing up his BS degree in engineering, went on for his MS & now has a very prestigious career as an assistant director of a power company in the area & lives down by the beach in a very expensive neighborhood. My husband bragged about how high his IQ was in high school yet in college, his GPA wasn't above a low C average. He expected an offer from the computer area in the bank he worked for while he was in college....but they rejected him because his GPA was too low. I had constantly bothered him before we were married about his pathetic attitude toward college. He constantly said that he couldn't do good in the classes where he felt smarter than the professor & should be the one teaching the class.....so he didn't do any of the work in the class instead of excelling in the easy classes....some say ADD.....but with everything else.....Passive Aggressive with ADD issues really makes a passive aggressive person even worse to live with.

I remember sitting down in the evening & try to ask him a question....he either was reading of watching TV & never heard a word I said.

One morning when we first were married......he refused to get out of bed when I needed to do the laundry....only day I could do it. I finally threatened to dump a pitcher of ice water on him if he didn't get up....he still ignored me & I dumped a huge gallon if ice water on top of him & the bed....oh well, I was washing the sheets anyway.

He never learned that I meant everything I said....just as much as he didn't mean anything he said.....it definitely was NOT A NICE COMBINATION.....& it was no wonder we fought constantly. I was not about to sit back & take being treated the way he chose to treat me......& he definitely knew how to push all my buttons which just ended up feeding his passive aggressiveness.

Oil & water....or maybe it was more like gasoline & fire because there was always an explosion every time any little thing came up.

I am looking forward to the day that the divorce actually goes through...but know he's going to do everything he possibly can to drag his feet in allowing the divorce because not only did he way it made him feel like a failure,.....but now I realize that he won't have anyone who it can push his passive aggressive buttons on & who he can get that feeling fix from.

I live in a house where I am the only female and there is my boyfriend and 7 young men between the ages of 14 and 21. Boyfriend and 3 of the teenagers share these traits.

Oh...me too, at least I think. I am utterly confused anymore what the he** is going on ! But I have felt like I am BPD and I have felt like he is Passive Aggressive...yes, really really hard ! Best of luck to you !