Please Help With Bipolar/Narcissistic Partner! - Long

Hi everyone, this is my first post so be gentle. I came here looking for advice regarding my partner of 14 years. He has been diagnosed with “bipolar 2 disorder with mixed hypomania and mixed mood” along with “narcissistic personality features”. I would appreciate input from those who are or have been in a relationship with a person with bipolar disorder or those who have the disorder themselves. I appreciate your time and apologize if it is too long. I just feel very alone and need someone to offer advice and/or support.

When we first met 16 years ago everything was great, he treated me as if I was the most important person in the world. When we became a couple we had an incredible relationship; he was loyal, respectful and basically every positive word you could use to describe your significant other - I fell totally in love with him. Then over time when the “honeymoon phase” wore off things started to change drastically. He started having bouts of uncontrollable anger, multiple infidelities, reckless behavior, substance abuse, etc. We rode a continual cycle of good and bad. He even broke up with me once (9 years ago) to be with one of his flings - she became his whole life. Ultimately he finally cut ties with her because it turns out she was just using him for money and other favors. She was a much older woman with a child who was obviously no good but he wouldn’t admit it until a third, impartial party told him what she was really like. Then another time I even found him at a hotel with a stranger that he met while driving a cab, a one-night stand. Eventually we got back together and everything was alright until 6 years ago when he had another fling with a married woman 22 years his senior who worked for us along with her husband (my partner and I ran a business together). After the fallout from that he finally started to realize that he might have a problem and sought out psychological intervention. He had an evaluation done and was diagnosed with “bipolar 2 disorder with mixed hypomania and mixed mood” along with “narcissistic personality features”. He went into therapy and started taking Depakote. He started doing very well – he was much calmer and more rational than he had ever been. We got along great; I forgave him and started trusting him again. Then about 2 years ago he stopped the meds because of financial issues yet remained stable. Then last year when we were in extreme financial turmoil he had to stop therapy, and he was devastated because of it. This is when things started to go haywire again.

Early this year he started to withdraw from me and everything else in his life, he lost interest in everything (sex, going out, our cats, all of his hobbies and even his personal hygiene). I tried unsuccessfully to talk to him about it. He basically became a shell of his former self, that’s when he started playing a game on his phone constantly - I didn’t think anything of it at the time and didn’t even know that people interacted within the game. I downloaded the game to my phone to see what the appeal was but couldn’t play it because it wasn’t usable on my phone. One day when we were driving I asked him what was so fascinating about the game and looked at it on his phone. I noticed very personal and affectionate messages on his “wall” from a woman (I’ll call her “Stella”). I asked him about it and he said that is just how people interact with their neighbors. I dropped it and didn’t think about it again, as it seemed like a plausible explanation. A few weeks later I fixed the issue on my phone, so now I was able to check out the game that he was spending hours a day playing. As time went on the messages from her seemed to grow more personal, flirty and affectionate. She knew all of the intimate details of his life, my life and our relationship. This is when I started having a problem with the situation. They talked within the game every day sometimes for hours at a time. If I would post on his wall he made sure to delete it quickly. One day she saw one of my messages and asked him if that was his roommate and he said yes. That is when things got really bad between us, I started accusing him of having an online affair and he became furious. He said I didn’t want him talking to anyone but me and was trying to control him. I kept pushing him to see what was going on and he finally said he was depressed because he missed therapy and Stella became a substitute for his therapist. I grew concerned over his mental state and our relationship so I pressured him to get back into therapy regardless of cost – I told him we would make it work. He went back into therapy and was elated about it. I even went with him a couple of times and felt it was productive. He then went back on meds again and started on 300mg of Seroquel a day. We still were at odds over the constant chatting but over time his interaction with Stella subsided to a more moderate level. Things started to become good between us again and I became optimistic about our future.

Over time I also noticed physical problems popping up with him as well he gained a ton of weight, was losing his hair, fatigued all of the time, no sex-drive, etc. I told him to go to a doctor because he seemed to have an underactive thyroid. Well he went and sure enough it is underactive and he started taking thyroid medication in addition to the Seroquel.

About a month later he started talking to another woman in the game (I’ll call her ”Becky”), she knew and talked to Stella as well. The conversations started out friendly and infrequent and because of that I didn’t care at all - I was even interested to hear what she had to say. He even referred to me not as his friend or roommate but as his partner and was open about our relationship. Then one day she convinced him to download kik (a texting app). I had asked him before if he would ever advance his communication with anyone he met online and he said NO, he would only chat within the game. I didn’t necessarily feel lied to, but felt that he wasn’t adhering to boundaries that he had set forth for and by HIMSELF. They started chatting frequently and he was deleting their conversations. I asked him why and he said that they are automatically deleted – but I knew that wasn’t true. I had downloaded the app to see why chatting within the game was no longer good enough, so I knew that you have to manually delete the conversations. He became irate when I told him that and contended that I just want to control him and spy on him. He finally agreed not to delete anything anymore and I was relieved. He started chatting with Becky more and more, they chatted when he woke up, while he was working, when he got home and right before he went to sleep, this went on every day. It was like they were spending their days together - they even started calling each other pet names. They started sending each other “hugs” and “kisses”, smiley faces, hearts and other affectionate and flirty things. Their conversations grew more intimate, and she started telling him about her intimacy issues with her boyfriend whom she lives with in another state (she also has a small daughter with her boyfriend). She was lonely because she said her boyfriend ignored her and no longer wanted intimacy with her. He consoled her and then started talking about his non-existent sex drive and how it affects our relationship (he has an underactive thyroid). They started getting way too close, but he kept contending they were just friends. Every time he talked to Becky he became a different person, he became instantly energized and became lost in her attention. His chatting was starting to ruin our relationship all over again. Then over time she started to hint around to him that she was interested in being more than friends and he went along with her pet names and flirtations. She started becoming clingy and desperate for his constant attention. We were constantly arguing about their constant and flirtatious interaction, he said there was no flirting and that the amount of time they talk is perfectly normal. I told him that no one talks to their friends that much, it isn’t even healthy to spend that much time with someone - especially someone you don’t really know. He kept reiterating that they were just friends and that I was too controlling and suspicious and it was driving him away.

Then she switched to a different game and he followed. He had played games like this but never liked them, but because she liked it he loved it. He then started playing that game constantly, even walking around our house with the phone at all times. He switched between the game and chatting with Becky all day every day. One night he stayed up way too late chatting with her and had what he called a “mental breakdown” the next day, he was crying and unable to function. He told me about it and started professing his love for me and played love songs for me, we talked all day and we seemed to have a very healthy dialogue for a change. He told me that it was his talk with Becky and her description of how horrible and lonely she feels when her boyfriend doesn’t want her that made him realize how I must feel. I was touched and was even interested in what she had to say and he was ok with me reading their chat. The next day he told her about what happened and she seemed less than thrilled. Every time he expressed any love or affection for me she tried to convince him that we weren’t a couple anymore and that we are just friends. She got so bad that he even had to tell her to stop and listen - she seemed to have an ulterior motive. The very next day he started to shut down and became lost in his interaction with her and the game all over again. Then out of the blue he started telling me we are no longer a couple and that we just coexist now - he was basically using the same exact language as she did the day before. I was stunned, how do change your feelings for someone that quickly? The next day she started hinting around all over again that she was lonely and needed someone to curb those feelings. She kept pushing him to talk about intimacy issues, about us and his feelings for me, but he kind of shut her down. A few days later I started playing his new game and posted on his wall when he was sleeping, she saw it and instead of her usual positive messages she posted “oh wow ok then” right after my message. It seemed like she was upset that I was posting on his wall at all, it wasn’t even anything affectionate just funny stuff about the game. She then had a breakdown that night sending him kik messages saying that he was deleting her posts, I was pretending to be him and that she was quitting the game and kik for good. I told him it was time for me to contact her to see what her issue was and what she was after, and he lost it. I never pretended to be him and to this day have no idea what really happened. She had a massive meltdown and instead of asking me what happened he was only concerned about her feelings and possible disappearance from his life. He started pacing; trying to figure out what was going on, accusing me of harassing her and other irrational accusations. Then he ended up putting a password on his phone so I couldn’t get into it anymore. He kept messaging her all day and she never replied he was furious at me for potentially driving her away. I messaged Becky that morning and said that I was his other half and that I would like to speak with her, nothing rude just direct. Later she declined and told me not to message her again, and I have not since that day. He finally got in touch with her and she offered no real explanation of what happened, and things with her continued on as normal (if not better) but he treated me as if I had done something wrong. He finally removed the lock from his phone but things between us were incredibly strained. I told him she was unstable and was growing obsessed with him but he told me I was crazy.

About a week later they were chatting and he said she was acting weird and she asked him to talk again later. When they finally did talk later she started telling him how much she cared for him and wanted to “be with him” (keep in mind they has only been chatting for about 2 months). She kept saying that he made her feel special, perfect and he was the only thing that made her smile. She told him that she was crying all day over him because she felt as he had been ignoring her. She said that I am her obstacle to being with him. Then she said that she wanted to spend every moment of every day with him. He told her that he didn’t know what was going on, that things were fine but now she was putting him in a bad situation. He stated that he just wanted to be friends and was taken aback by her sudden meltdown. She then became belligerent and acted confused and bewildered, going on and on about how he broke her heart and said he did say he had feelings for her before, and then proclaimed again she had been crying all day for him. But while this was going on he still was leading her on, saying he needed her and other “sweet” and “cutesy” things. Their conversation ended and even he came to the conclusion himself that they could no longer talk because it would be too awkward. Needless to say she kept reiterating her desire for him and eventually (within 2 days) he went back to talking to her as much as before her meltdown. He kept saying that he just wanted to friends but acted and talked to her as though they were much more.

Then over the next few weeks things kept getting worse. He started to skip his Seroquel, taking it every few days at best. He started to act very manic again and told me he reevaluated everything in his life and thinks we should split up for good. He was acting like a different person again. Now he says that she makes him feel good and that maybe he is growing as obsessed with her as she is with him. Now it is all Becky all of the time. He chats on and off with her all day every day sometimes going back and forth for hours at a time, even while working. He started lying about how frequently they chatted and ultimately started deleting the conversations because he said he is tired of my obsession with it. One night on her wall in the game she started getting cruel and taunting messages from a supposed stalker. This went on a couple of days and of course she turned to him for comfort this time via telephone. Now it turns out they are talking on the phone! I had asked him before if he ever intended to talk on the phone with any of them and he said he wasn’t stupid enough to give out his number to strangers - I guess he is. It turns out that her “stalker” suddenly appeared on the very same day they started phone conversations. Then she tried to blame me for the messages (it wasn’t me). I came to the conclusion based on the timing, grammar, spelling and use of emoticons that it was her pretending to be her own stalker - possibly for attention and/or comfort. The night she called him I became livid and without thinking called her from my phone but hung up after only a couple of rings. Two days later I started getting weird and harassing messages on my phone nearly every day from different user names. One day he started to return the messages to see what they would say. A minute after he first engaged this anonymous person Becky called his phone out of the blue. I told him that obviously she is behind it and is that she is crazy; he has to cut ties with her. He became mad at me but did admit that everything is very coincidental and that it might be her. So he called her back to see what she wanted and spent hours on the phone and stayed up so late that he couldn’t even function the next day. I made him put her on speakerphone a couple times that night and she isn’t even pleasant to talk to, she sounds very ignorant, like stereotypical “white trash”. She was babbling incessantly, was slurring her words and even he was bewildered by what she was saying at times. Mind you it was after midnight and she had her 3-4 year old daughter home alone and her daughter was still awake, and she sounded crazy and/or under the influence of something (not a very good mother). With as late as it was he even kept trying to hang up but she wouldn’t let him go.

I have literally begged him to cut all ties with her or at the very least moderate contact with her. She is clearly unstable, but all he knows is he likes talking to her and because of that nothing else matters. She is dragging him down the rabbit hole to complete dysfunction and chaos. He will not listen to reason from me or anyone else we know, everybody I have talked to about this agrees that she is not good for him and he should cut ties with her. When I tell him she is crazy his only reply is “so what, so am I”. If this is going on after only a few months, what will happen further down the road? She is basically an insane stalker. He presents this situation so rationally, as if he just made some friends and likes to talk to them when he has time, what he’s leaving out is his compete obsession with this new world, sudden personality change and lack of rational thought regarding Becky.

Now he’s on a different medication (Latuda 40mg per day) and seems slightly more stable but still continues to advance their interaction. Now they send “selfies” back and forth all of the time, talk dozens of times a day and he thinks this is all perfectly normal, for her it is great she doesn’t even work and has all the time in the world to chat all day. How do you even chat that much with a small daughter? I am still getting increasingly rude and mean spirited messages on my phone every day from different screen names - things like “Looks like I won…freak =)” and “give it up...stop making a fool of yourself =)”. It is clearly her, again even the language and punctuation matches known samples from her, but he still defends her innocence. Now she is constantly calling him babe putting tons of hugs and kisses on his wall and acting like they are a couple. He is even looking up love poems and presumably sending them to her. He refuses to cut ties or even moderate their interaction in any way. She has become his whole world. Another thing he isn’t taking into account is her life she has a boyfriend and a CHILD with her boyfriend. What happens if he sees her chats? That could cause him to leave her and negatively impact their daughter forever - they are both being incredibly selfish. This is even affecting his work and thus costing us money, not to mention what it has done to our relationship. He doesn’t want to do anything but text Becky (constantly), Stella (moderately) and play the game that they play. He is totally lost in this online world.

While researching Becky, Stella and another online friend of his, I found evidence proving you cannot trust what people tell you online. Another girl he chats with (rarely) is lying about who she is; she is using a Mexican model’s pictures and portraying them as her own. The other pictures she sends people are of anybody but her and her real life, they include a foreign journalist (misrepresented as her husband) and pictures of celebrities’ rings. The name she is using doesn’t even exist anywhere in the country. The original woman (he still talks to her) Stella, is having an online relationship with a guy in Australia, even engaging in online sex. The bad part is that her “online boyfriend” is posting those pictures on porn sites with very offensive and derogatory language - all unbeknownst to her. I showed these things to my partner but he still will not listen and has chosen not to address these things with these people. So basically Stella is a porn star without even knowing it.

At this point I don’t know what to expect or what to do. I love my partner with all my heart and want nothing more than things to work out between us. However, he will not listen to reason and I am truly expecting more drama with Becky as time goes by. How do I get through to him? How do I convince him his behavior is irrational and she is at best unstable or at worst dangerous? Or should I just step away and let whatever happens happen? If anybody could offer any advice for myself or even my partner, or share any similar stories I would truly appreciate it. Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Bipolar is a nasty illness both for the sufferer and carer - as you already know not only do they experience extreme highs - that can lead to mania but also lows that can lead to depression. There are also mixed states where you can be manic and low at the same time. The most important thing is to not blame yourself or feel rejected - these mood swings are chemical in nature and are nothing to do with you. I would get a second opinion on his treatment because it sounds like he needs to be stabilized - it can in some cases take time and experimental drug use but it is your best alternative. His 'N' stage is probably during his highs and they do sometimes exist together. I think first and foremost he needs to be stabilized. I do feel for you and I know that at times he will be suffering to - this isn't the true nature of his personality it is a genetic mental illness wishing you every luck and love xXx

Hello dl75,

I am usually just a lurker on these forums but I saw your story and it struck a chord with me so I had to reply. I am bipolar and have a situation nearly identical to yours. My advice to you is to not take what's happening personally, stand by your partner and try to go with him to therapy and explain his behavior to his psychologist because you can see things in him that he doesn't even realize are happening. I know cause it happened to me. However my best advice would be to your partner.

To your partner I would say...

All my life I never felt quite right, I always got into arguments, did drugs, went from woman to woman and job to job. I was always discontent and angry with everybody and everything then depression would come out of the blue. But I managed to find an amazing woman who loved me and I loved more than anything, she also was able to put up with me so i married her, and believe me she put up with a ton. I loved her so much and for a long time our marriage was great. But after a while our relationship soured just as everything else in my life. So to save my marriage in 2005 I sought out counseling and was diagnosed as bipolar I tried a bunch of different meds until I finally stabilized. Then in the end of 2008 i had to change my script because of a bad blood test. Then in 2009 out of the blue i started feeling down again but didnt think anything about it. So I started to go online into chat rooms because i was bored and met alot of nice people and started chatting more and more. In my real life I started to feel more horrible as time went on I started to hate my wife and didnt even want to make love to her, honestly she made me sick. She noticed a huge change in me and wanted to talk and help me but i wouldn't listen. She said it was like living with a stranger. Then I met a woman online who was great to talk to, she wasn't married but was in a long term relationship with whom she had an 8 year old. She lived virtually across the country from me. She said her s.o. was 'emotionally distant' and she needed someone who really cared about her. We started chatting all the time like you, even while i worked. She made me feel so much better because she helped me escape from my real life and brought me into a fantasy world where everything was great and exciting all of the time which fed my manic episodes and nurtured my depressive ones, i know this now but not then. She was my whole world all i wanted to do was talk to her and even started talking on the phone at least 2 times a week. Our chatting wasn't really sexual but it was way more than just friendly. We started talking about being together and what the future could be for us. I even started sending her gifts. My wife could tell that something was going on and tried to talk to me but i just fought back and blamed everything on her. Well one day i left the chat up on the pc and my wife saw it and it destroyed her. But instead of apologizing i got infuriated at her for invading my privacy. So she started to check our phone record and found out that i was talking on the phone with the other woman. We fought constanlty she kept crying and begging for answers but i didn't care all i wanted was the other woman. Her attention made me feel alive she was my reason to wake up every day. My wife even threatened divorce but i didn't care all i wanted was the other woman she was my sweet woman who made me feel like i was the world. This went on for months and this just kept getting worse. But I felt great, it all felt so right, I knew that this was what was meant to be. My wife even tried contacting the other lady and tried to drive her away but that just made me even crazier i almost even struck her but didn't. I told my wife I didn't want her anymore and other cruel things that i now regret. So my wife left and went to live with her sister for a while and believe me i was relieved now I could spend as much time as i wanted with my 'little bunny' as i called her. Things were great for a few weeks but I guess one day her s.o. found out about her talks with me and wasn't happy at all, I still don't really know what happened. He was like my wife devastated and threatened to leave and take there son. Thats when it started to get too real for her and she realized that i wasn't worth loosing her family for. I was just a way to get attention she felt she wasn't getting from her s.o. So she started pulling away from me and i started to go into an even worse state. Thats when i started to consider suicide because the 'love of my life' wasn't there for me and I had devastated my wife so bad that I didn't think she would ever take me back. I had nothing left. I went to my therapist and she told me to ask my wife to come in, nicely. She agreed. We worked on our relationship and to make a long story short she took me back. Then my drugs got switched to different ones, it turns out that what i was taking wasn't right for me and was causing me to spin out of control. Between the medication change and the more intensive counseling I finally came to realize that this was all part of my bipolar issues. Once I realized that it all made sense, but now I know that if this happens in the future that I should listen to my loved ones if they notice something in me even if i feel okay. My actions almost destroyed the other womans family and mine also. If I could go back I would do anyhting to change what happened but i can't i can only move forward and try my best to manage my condition better. Now my wife and I get along better than ever and I thank God every day that she gave me another chance. We even just bought a new house and got a new beagle puppy his name is Louie. Life is great. My advice to you would be to cut ties with the other woman, it will probably hurt for a while but you need to focus on what is best not what is feeding your disorder, you will be happier in the long run trust me. Then take your s.o. to therapy with you and really listen to what she/he is saying. They love you and know you better than anyone, sometimes our family knows something is wrong before we do. Then try to find a better drug or combo to truly stabilize yourself because even if this all feels great now it will end badly and you will come to realize how much you have hurt evryone you are supposed to care about, even the other woman. This is a horrible way to live and can ruin lives but there is hope. Believe me because I have been in your shoes. Take care and if you want to talk ask your s.o. to send me a message and I will be happy to answer.