[LileyDiane]

Hi all,

I am new to this forum and would like to hear of people's experiences about being in a relationship with someone who suffers from PTSD.

My partner was sexually assaulted a number of years before we met and fell in love and I am the first relationship he has had since this occurred. He has always struggled with emotional and physical intimacy during our time together.

About a month ago, he cut me out of his life completely, telling me that he had to deal with his issues and that he couldn't do it with me around. Apparently to even hearing my voice causes him conflict as he feels like he can't deal with his issues whilst in a loving relationship. He has entered a treatment facility indefinitely and told me that he would like to recommence our relationship once he is "fixed" (his words).

I don't understand his behaviour and am conflicted as to what to do and whether to stay in the relationship. I love him dearly and would love nothing more than to support him through this but he has shut me out so forcefully. It is hard for me to comprehend his wanting to be isolated (nobody else knows he is in treatment) and I struggle constantly with the thought of him going through this alone.

Any advice from those who have been through a similar experience, or those living with PTSD would be very much appreciated.

[Open Eyes]

Hi LileyDiane,

First, welcome to PC. I am sorry you didn't get answered right away.

I am sorry this man you care for so much is so challenged this way. He is only distancing from you not because he doesn't like you, but because he is being triggered when it comes to being intimate. PTSD drives the person to want to "avoid" any reminders, and it is much more than a "conscious" thing, it is a deep subconscious hurt. And what is happening to him is that he gets all confused emotionally when he is near you and it is embarrassing him and that is why he is distancing from you. What can happen is that doing anything that is like being with an abuser can bring up all the emotional challenges that took place while being abused, even when the person doesn't want that to happen. PTSD is "intrusive" meaning it isn't something the person struggling "wants to feel or remember or react when a reminder happens, often it can be painful and exhausting". The average person doesn't understand that at all, most people are in control of their emotions and consciously decide how to react, with PTSD that is challenged and the person often reacts without making that conscious choice.

It really takes time and patience for the person struggling with PTSD, it's hard work to try to gain more control. If someone wants to be with someone who struggles with PTSD they need to be very understanding and realize there will be times were the PTSD sufferer will get frustrated, grumpy, and need some space. People who struggle with PTSD "are" often very nice and sensitive people, but they just struggle in ways other people don't understand.

OE

[LileyDiane]

Thanks for your response Open Eyes.

I guess I am just unsure as to how to move forward. Should I try and force my way in and show my partner that I am here to support him (irrespective of the fact that he has completely shut me out of his life at the moment)? Or should I just sit back and wait for him to come to me when he is ready?

He has told me that the way he has coped with his trauma in the past is to push those he loves away and try to deal with it on his own. My concern with this approach is that it has never been successful for him in the past.

I feel incredibly confused by his behaviour.

LileyDiane

[Open Eyes]

((LileyDiane)),

Yes, it is not unusual for someone struggling with PTSD to distance from others like that. It is very hard to explain to people how challenging it is and it can be very painful too, so the person who struggles will try to "avoid" just to gain a sense of relief or safety. You need to understand that it isn't "just remembering" when a reminder comes up, it's a lot more with PTSD. PTSD really "magnifies" emotions and can present crippling anxiety, and the person struggling can even feel like they ran a marathon and be totally exhausted, and that can take place without the person even "thinking about it", it just comes over them. A lot depends of the individuals history and "what" traumatized them too. Often the person struggling reaches out for therapy and a therapist (if they are good and knowledgeable) helps the patient slowly work "through" whatever is there and slowly learn how to "gradually" gain more control, it is "hard work". The desire to "avoid" as I mentioned is incredibly strong, it's the same as if you had a very painful injury on your body and you avoid anything that might aggravate it because it can send a message of a lot of pain if you don't. That is how PTSD is too, only the injury is in the brain and the person who struggles gets confused by it and a person who struggles can't tell anyone if they will be able to overcome it, and to what degree they can manage it better either. And to be honest, not being able to know how to explain this to others either is very depressing, embarrassing, and tends to lead to the person struggling to feel worse and unworthy too. So, that is "why" they often just choose to disconnect in every way.

If this person is distancing this way from you, it isn't "you" at all, it is just that he doesn't know how to do a relationship right now because it tends to stab at the injury that you don't see and he himself doesn't see or quite understand either. And he can't promise "normal" to you because he genuinely doesn't know if he can ever trust or do "normal" again in his life.

It doesn't do any good if you try to call or write him either, even if you promise to be caring, patient, and understanding with him. He will be answering to that desire to "avoid" and he doesn't really understand it himself. However, the good thing is that he has reached out for help with it, that is what he needs to do most right now.

The best thing you can do, IMHO, is write him a note and tell him that you do understand and that you see he is a really nice person and that he deserves to reach out for help and heal no matter how long it takes him. Tell him you are very sorry someone has hurt him and all you want to see is that he gets to mourn that and get help to do just that because he truly deserves that and that you realize that he can't tell you how long that will take and that's ok, just go and take care of "you" and heal.

And that is something his abuser never gave him permission to do.

I can't express enough that it is not because he doesn't want to care and be with you either, it's just that he struggles and he doesn't know how to fix that or even explain it to you or quite understand it himself. When that happens, the person struggling just withdraws. However, what that person really needs to do is make sure they reach out to a good therapist and get support from those who "do" understand it, because that really helps and even can provide some "relief" from feeling so alone with the challenge. The person who struggles "wants to heal so badly" too.

I am sorry you came across this sad situation, but the positive thing is it has led to him reaching out for help, that is so important.