Recently divorced, I think I'm co-dependent. BPD advice.

Hi, I have found this forum by seeking out information on the Internet concerning BPD. In August, I ended a long and turbulent marriage with a woman who very likely suffers from BPD. I did not know anything about this disorder until I began to go through the divorce process. It seems very clear to me in retrospect, and I am learning more about the disorder as I continue to have to interact with her in order to take care of our three adolescent daughters, who live with her.

Complicating this situation is that I am now in a relationship with a recently divorced woman who has been in therapy for a couple years and has been diagnosed with PTSD due to past abuse and an unstable childhood in a traumatic household. She has a young son. She also has severe substance abuse issues, mostly alcohol, bust also a history of prescription and OTC drug abuse. She is very aware of these problems, and she studies psychology and self-help books to help herself understand her situation. She really is committed to her recovery, and I have been to a couple counseling sessions with her. She sees her therapist twice a week.

As our relationship evolves, and as I learn more about BPD, it is becoming clear to me that 1) my new partner (who lives with me) very likely suffers from BPD and 2) I very likely have strong codependency problems.

I have read that people with BPD have difficulty accepting that this may be a problem, so I am not certain about how to move forward. I do have strong emotional, psychological, spiritual, and sexual feelings for her, which she reciprocates. I feel that we are, indeed, compatible, and I am very willing to help her through whatever problems she might be facing. However, I also accept that I do need to accept that it is important for me to be psychologically healthy for my own sake and for the sake of my daughters.

The most complicating factor of all of this is that my new partner previously worked in a subordinate position to my ex-wife. Now, I am constantly balancing how to communicate with my ex-wife in a manner that does not allow her to manipulate me--as she did very successfully for 16 years--without making my new partner feel threatened. My new partner feels severe abandonment. She had been in a very close relationship with my ex-wife before the divorce.

The relationship that I came from was very unstable, and the relationship that I am in now is also fraught with difficulties. However, I do actually feel that my new partner and I can be very good for each other. In fact, this is reinforced by my new partner's therapist, who is a professional with PhD in Psychology.

I don't really know how to move forward in my new relationship now that I am beginning to see that my new partner and ex-wife are both very likely BPD, though both are undiagnosed. I suspect that my new partner's therapist has always known that my new partner has BPD, but obviously, that would be difficult for he and I to communicate about.

I understand that most people's immediate response will be for me to focus first upon myself, which is what I am trying to do right now. However, I do not feel that this relationship is doomed. I believe that if I can take an honest look at my codependency and begin to establish clear boundaries with my new partner, while also trying to reinforce that I do not intend to abandon her, that there is a possibility of a hopeful future between us. The problem is that I want to communicate that I will not abandon her, but I also know that if she demands too much of me, more than I am able to provide, eventually, I will have no choice.

I hope someone out there understands.

Benryus, welcome to Psych central. I do understand your predicament.

One problem is getting over your previous marriage. This can get confusing as the same struggles appear in the new relationship as well.

I have to admit after many year of trying to help someone else or even to change someone else, that all I can really do is be the best person I can and deal with my own flaws, then be a compassionate caregiver for the one I am in a relationship with.

I would say your current relationship has potential and the fact the T condones your presence seems to indicate a positive influence you are having.

Finding common ground is an important step in building relationships. There are always differences but the common ground is what binds two people together in love.

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Thank you for visiting PC. Hope you meet as many nice people as I have.

Thank you, Candc