[myrtleBlue]

Hi everyone
my name is Anna, I am a 32. I used to have a boyfriend. We met 6 years ago: I had been in love with him until I met this other guy who literally tore my life apart. I am a gym teacher. Last year I did a year-long training, with workshops of one week each, every 3 months, in different parts of the country. There I met M., a guy with whom I shared so many common interests. We both were in relationships at the time and he just seemed a nice guy to me, kind and humble, undoubtedly one of the persons with whom I had had the most amazing conversations in many years. He seemed like a friend among strangers.

At the second workshop in May, M. was single and he changed his attitude. He started a courtship, despite me having a boyfriend. Another girl there, S., was after him. I (wrongly) assumed this guy really liked me if he went after me instead: I was with someone else, she was single, I am shy, she is not, I’m not easy, she is… The last night of the training course, after a dinner and a party, this guy walked me to my hotel room and he kissed me. I was overwhelmed. Until that point I thought my attraction had been all in my mind. Afterwards, I could not stop thinking about him. So I wrote him an email, and he answered and we wrote a few emails and as I started having real doubts I told my boyfriend we should break up. It was tough but I did not want to cheat on him. I only wanted to understand what was going on in my heart. Was this love or just lust?

Soon after I went to the town where this other guy lives. When I gave him my number he immediately invited me to his place for “dinner”. I suggested to meet in a pub, so we did: I wanted him to like me for who I am, not because of some sex. It was a nice romantic evening, he kissed me at the bus stop when we said goodbye; however, he also admitted cheating on his previous girlfriend, having an affair with a married woman, which was still going on.

This would have been enough to run away, wouldn't it? But no, despite this, when I got back home I still wanted him, I felt he was the love of my life. I wondered why he changed his mind about bringing me to his place after that very first invitation, and I got paranoid: was it my fault, should I have been more seductive? He would write me emails throughout the following month and then disappear again until the last training ground, when he acted hot/cold. In the end he wrote me he only thought we should be friends. I later realized he was already trying to sleep with that other girl from the training group. and that some things about me which I had thought he had commented for small talk, were just ways of subtly criticizing me.

Unlike me, right after the last training meeting this other girl went to the town where this guy lives, she went to dinner at his place, they slept together and now they are a couple. I was working in a volleyball team with this girl at the time but she would not openly admit the affair with me, she would lie about it telling me at the same time that she had not heard about anyone from the training group... only to end up speaking about M. and his character and how narcissistic he is and how lucky I was to have got ridden of him. In order not to jeopardize the job, I did never tell her I understood she was lying.

And I only went into "I am not good enough compared to her". I just hurt so much all the time. I feel embarrassed and uncomfortable when I meet this girl particularly, because her presence makes me feel like a loser. I cannot help it and in these last few months I have been feeling better and realizing some things about the whole situation. But each time I felt like moving on, I bumped into this girl and I got, I still go back to my hurting-self. I feel as if I should hide in a black hole in the ground out of shame. I wish this guy could have been just lovable like he had been at the beginning.

I feel a failure with that asshole (wandering: should I have been more sexy and seductive? should I have gone to his place upon invitation? should I have been an easy girl? Normally I am proud of not being one), a failure in the relationship with my boyfriend, a failure generally. I'm so miserable. I know I should not and most days I go through the day but sooner or later memories hunt me like ghosts, I feel I'm going crazy. I read so many articles in the Internet about t Narcissism that now i wonder how much of this guy was a narcissist and how much of my own narcissism brought me there. Thanks for your support.

[Skeezyks]

Hello myrtleBlue: Welcome to PsychCentral... from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

[here today]

Hi myrtleBlue,

I don't have NPD but my dad may have had it. So just my opinion but the guy you wrote about sounds more like the narcissist, if either of you are, than you. Also it sounds like what you were feeling for him was more lust than love, and I think you really dodged a bullet not getting involved with him. However, it may be that he ignited something in you that you may not know well -- and hence may want to find out more about in a relationship with a partner who really likes the real you, as well as liking sex. ;-)

Slow down people. A little quick to jump on the N thing aren't we?? Now picture this, what if this guy was like so many millions more who care about getting what they desire and he really isn't an N? Is that crazy or what??!! Sounds to me that he wants easy, submit to his desires and he's satisfied. DoeSnt make him a narcissist, makes him a man similar to so many. Sometimes when you look at things for too long they become something there not, something your imagination sees. More likely than not you are both not narcissists in the disordered way. You wanted him, he wanted to see what he could get. Plain and simple!! No docs needed. Your welcome!!

[myrtleBlue]

Thank you Underground.

You may be right, however the point in this situation is that many people around me in the training group disliked this guy or openly told me he is a narcissist. And to me, he never looked like that. I started seeing it this way after he rejected me, looking back at the things that had happened.

He lied to me about his job, one more successful than mine, because – he later told me – he lies to a girl he fancies in order to be liked because of how he is, not because of his job. As a person who is working two jobs to make a living and to land my dream job, being lied about this in order to make me feel a connection with him feels like manipulation, don't you think?

It also took me months to understand that this guy had been rejecting me and bullying me, while at the same time he was always talking supportive nice things to me. One minute he was nice, the next minute he would tell a friend that we were "talking about dogs", implying it was boring when I mentioned my dog.

I got out of the last workshop feeling torn apart, and when I wrote him a goodbye email, after the courtship he had started and the kisses, he told me he had been surprised and overwhelmed by a romantic text I had send him, as if I was making up the whole situation. So I even ended up questioning whether I had imagined him kissing me the first time, until a couple of girls at the group, who had seen the kiss, reminded me that it had not been my imagination.

As you can see, I still struggle to recover from this situation, I am trying to understand why. I have done my part but so did him and it hurts, a lot. Maybe I will get to understand that I just got fooled around and there was really nothing there, ever, alright. But I do not consider my reaction to this rejection normal. That's why I am seeking good advice to get out of stuck.

Well, of course he lies. He has affairs and lying is included.

Jumping to narcissist is a huge leap. You don't know him well and I don't think it's relevant.

I think he's a player but that doesn't mean he is an N, at all.

Sounds like it's time to move on. Spend time with friends, hobbies, etc. Counseling if you can't stop obsessing. Good luck.