Caregiver losing it

My Dad was the center of my Mother's world, she was a typical 40's era housewife, she let my Father handle everything. She was never proactive in her own life, prefering to stay home to the point that my father would even buy her clothes and she was fine with that.
He passed away nearly 4 years ago, and she seemed ok for about the first 6 months, still taking her long, brisk walk daily (at least 3 miles at 79 years old at the time). She started complaining about a couple of symptoms and I took her to the general Dr, and then to 6 different specialists and a battery of tests that were all negative.
So here it is, over 3 years later and she is still suffering and have the same complaints that have exacerbated over the months. She has been on numerous anti depressants, to no avail, and my brother and I try to do whatever we can to help and appease her, but it's never right. She wont go to any more Drs because 'they don't know everything' because they can't make her feel better. So we live daily with her telling us that this is the day she will die, or that she wants to die, etc etc. I feel awful because I have become immune to her complaints, as I hear the same thing several times a day from her. If her complaints are real, then nobody should suffer like this. If they are imaginary, then I don't know what to do about that. She's mentally alert and still cares for herself in her own home but I think she's a hypochrondriac.
And at home, I am trying to cope with an alcoholic spousal-equivilant. I'm at my wits end.

hypochondriasis is not fake. it's her body telling her something is wrong. whether if it is hypochondria or not, she's totally suffering. i can understand the situation. i've had years of misdiagnosis and heard of other people with the same thing that actually ended up with something that was actually very, very real. i know she is tired of docs. i would suggest taking her to the top docs, like the mayo clinic or something like that, if necessary. people can have illnesses and be very functional. your mother must feel like she's crazy, and she's not. i do hope for the best for you and your mother.

I appreciate that she really 'feels' the pain, it seems to be like neuropathy but it hasn't responded to meds. She also insists that her feet are swelling, even though both a Dr and an RN observed her on 2 different occasions and confirmed that there was no swelling.
I try to reassure her that while it may feel like they are swelling, that it's just a feeling and they are not really swollen.
I belive that she believes that there is something wrong, although I do think she exaggerates for me and my bro, as she will use a crying voice with us, but if she speaks to my SIL or my s/o, she will speak in a normal tone of voice.
Taking her anywhere is difficult, as she refuses to go. I actually searched extensively and found a Dr that came to the house, checked her, did bloodwork and told her she was in better shape than he was.
She doesn't believe him or the fact that all the bloodwork came back perfect.

You could start agreeing with her and expressing the feeling that you are really sad she feels so bad? Does she suggest "doing" anything about what's wrong? If not, then a lot of commiseration and "attention" and "hoping today is not the day she dies" and that sort of thing might help. It's hard to complain/find fault if the people around you agree with you?

Did she do any little thing you loved when you were a kid? I had to take my stepmother to the doctors very early one morning so I made "sweet rolls" and bought little containers of milk and when I picked her up we first had a little "breakfast" -- the rolls were still warm and it was like a picnic and just the two of us and really comforting to both of us! If you can remember some way she cared for you and can care for her "like" that, feeding her comfort food or sitting and just really listening to her or rubbing her back (or even feet if it doesn't gross you out :-) I rub my husbands feet because he has had a nerve problem since he was 16 and only my massaging the scar helps) or something "basic" like that, might help her feel cared for a bit like your father cared for her? Maybe figure out a project you could work with her on, like going through all the old pictures and putting them in an album or something.

Talk and talk to her. Ask her what she thinks would help her to feel better.

She may have adusted to losing your dad, but then her own advancing age may be producing separate issues to deal with. We all need to feel valued at all ages of our lives and she may be struggling with that.

Is there something she does as a hobby that she could do with a group? Or that she could do to donate somewhere, an acitivity that would make her feel useful and valued?

Would she be willing to try a group for people who've lost spouses? A grief support group of some kind could help get her talking and give her some social contact and support.

Can you and your brother hire caregivers so that you can have more free and quality time to spend with her? Time to just enjoy one another and not doing chores, errands, etc.

A gerontologist and/or social worker might be helpful to her.

I think she's lost her sense of identity and usefulness as well as losing your dad.

Thanks, those sound like really good and caring ideas, but my mother is a difficult case. She never cultivated any friendships, was always reticent about meeting new people and is just not social. We hired someone to come in a couple of times a week, but they weren't a good fit for her, and I've had a social worker come for 3 or 4 visits and she rec a psyche evalutation, but my mother refused.
She complains that her hair is a mess, so I found someone to come in and do it for her, and she complained about that too. Too further exacerbate the situation, she's hard of hearing and when I took her for a new hearing aid, she was advised that she should really have two because of her hearing loss, and she refused to have 2 so she can't hear well and that makes phone conversations with us, or anyone, a real trial. It's frustrating for her and for us, but she makes choices that are bad and we all suffer from it.
She really has NO clue about real life. She asks for something and it appears, she doesn't realize that either my brother or I have to make a trip to buy what she wants. That's because my father took care of everything, even the grocery shopping after he retired.
She complains that everything she eats has either too much sodium or is too sweet and it makes her burn and swell. It's hard to find her food that she is satisfied with. She used to love to read, but now she says she can't get interested in books or tv shows. (another sign of depression) so all she does is sit around and dwell on how badly she feels. She wont read a book but she'll read the side effects on her medications, and worries about them and/or the miligrams of her medicine is too high, etc.
She has me and my bro tearing out our hair.

Donna first let me commend you and family for all the frustration that you are going through. We went through a similiar experience with my grandmother. I think she felt that she had to complain non stop about something to get attention, to my mother and I. She seemed thoughtless at times. My mother would tell her days in advance when she was going shopping (nearest stores were 1/2 hour away) and ask her to make a list. No she didn't need a thing, until the next day and she needed whatever right now!

Her son, my uncle is three years older than I and the apple of her eye. She would be on death's door she couldn't breath, she was so dizzy she couldn't see straight, until he walked through the door (which I might add he did not do very frequently). Suddenly she was "a little under the weather" but fine. The meal that she couldn't possibly choke down 5 minutes before, she would sit and eat every scrap when he was there.

She also could not read nor watch tv, because her memory was bad. She had no retension. She didn't like to admit it and would hide it as much as she could.

I do not believe she was "faking". I think it was all true in her mind. She really did feel bad. The odd thing was, when she really did get sick, she hid the symptoms from everyone.

I know this doesn't help. But I understand your frustration and wish you the very best of luck. I had my uncle to call when I absolutely had enough and could not take another moment. Venting helps, when I had to stay with her after minor surgery several years before she died I had a friend I called everynight to unload to, without her I think I would have snapped.