[90mphINneutral]

Hello, I'm new. I just came across these forums, and thought I'd post my problem, or what maybe is one. I'm almost 17 years old (4/15) and I have been depressed basically most of my life. But it has been getting pretty bad the last couple years. All my life even since I was in elementary school I have struggled with relationships with friends/parents etc. For me it's like either I love the person (say my mom) and I think the world of her or she is the worst thing in my life. I can't seem to find any middle here. I've always had friend issues. Either I assumed the other person was out to hurt me and then broke the friendship off or I'd get sick of the person... become annoyed and drop them. I want to change though, I'm sick of not having friends. Yet it seems to be too much of an effort. When it comes to boyfriends... they fail too. To be truthful I only have had one what I would say "official" boyfriend. The relationship lasted for about 4 months (which I thought was a long time) I never liked him from the beginning. We were friends to begin with, and I thought he was funny, but never boyfriend material. Anyway one day he asked me out and I said yes because I felt lonely and could use the company. I didn't have feelings for him though. He was constantly buying me things. And I loved it so I kept the relationship on even though I knew it wasn't going anywhere. So about 4 months later I broke it off with him and told him the truth. He accused me of being manipulative (I don't even know what that means, I doubt he does either), accused me of using him etc. From then on til the end of the school year he tried to take my "friends" away. He tried to get back at me for whatever I did. I don't think I was wrong in the relationship. Anyway any relationship I seem to have with anyone fails and I don't know how to stop it.

My struggle with relationships is just a piece of this puzzle. For about a year now I have been self harming... cutting, taking pills etc, and I seriously don't know why I do it. I've always had this fear of my parents are going to leave me, abandon me in a sence even though they reassure me they won't. I am so scared for the future. I have other genetic issues I have to deal with and it all becomes so overwhelming. I have tried to analyze my behavior and I think I hurt myself for some sort of rescue. I mean I do get attention when I do it, maybe I feel a need for nurturing. That's all I could come up with. Well a couple weeks ago were bad for me, that's why I decided to come on here. I cut myself worse then ever, and my mom came home from work and was all in a tizzy. I mean it wouldn't stop bleeding.. it was horrible and now I feel guilty for doing it. That same afternoon she took me to my GP and she thought I should see a psychiatrist (I'm already seeing a psychologist).

I told my brother about some of this and he suggested that I had Borderline Personality or something... he plans on majoring in psych... so I did some reasearch and I guess something like that exists. The criteria seemed to fit me perfectly. Do you think that's what this sounds like? But then again I don't want to be labled something the rest of my life.

[nothemama8]

Talk to your guidence counselor at school, ask for help from family doctor, get a referal to pcdoc or T, to see if you have a dx
Angie

[Roy21]

Have you spoken about all this in detail with your psychologist? I was seeing a psychologist before i moved to where am i now in the country and afew things i learnt was that you should always go into detail with the things that are a problem in your life instead of just saying afew words then leaving it upto your psych to ask you questions. Also dont be afraid to ask questions about how would i possibly overcome this problem like about what you said with your friends. you have to remember your psychologist is there to try and help you through your problems but you have to let them know how much something is really effecting you. Perhaps you should ask if you could possibly make a list of the thing which trouble you the most then ask if you can try and worth through them together. Also ask your psychologist about the possibility of Borderline Personality Disorder also and see what he / she has to say.

Ive learnt now that help dosnt always come running to you, you need to ask for it and if you feel cetrain ways and you dont know why explain them to your psych and ask for their personal opinion and maybe for some advice on how to start trying to cope or improve things. This is just my personal opinion and other peoples opinions may be different but im just letting you know what ive learnt.

Also when you say I don't want to be labled something the rest of my life. I remember the 1st day a doctor diagnosed me with psychosis i was so scared that i had been labeled and that everyone around me who found out would abandon me. But i believe if anything its made me a stronger person and allowed me to accept not only myself but other people with various problems in their life, whether they be mental health problems, other health problems or people going through a rough time. I feel i am a better person because of what i have been through.

I have been through psychosis, currently still have some anxiety issues and depression. Being labeled dosnt make you any different. It just gives doctors and yourself a direct explanation of a certain problem you have in your life at this present time. If you are worried about people labeling or treating you differently then you dont need to tell them about it. I tend to be very honest about myself to my friends and family now about the problems i have had both in the past and currently and my family and true friends have still stuck by me. In the end the friends who decided not to stick by me because of me telling them about my illness dont deserve to be my friends anyway. I really cant care less about them. If anything its shown me who the real decent people are. Now when i meet new people i tend to let them get to know me before i tell them about it so that they can judge me on who i am as a person and not just on the unknown or incorrect knowledge they have of my condition. As Ozzie said in a post i read "I think that people are naturally afraid of those things that they don't understand" and because of that fact i always wait for people to see who i am as a person rather than letting them judge me just on the name of my illness.

I hope this is of some help to you and possibly lets you see things from another point of view. I hope you check back with us again and let us know how you are doing.

Roy.

[90mphINneutral]

I have an appointment to see a psychiatrist on 4/28. I know I'm gonna be on some type happy pill.. well I need them, but I still can't get over the idea of being labled something like bpd the rest of my life. Well we'll just see what happends on the 28th.

Thanks for the replys though

[kimmydawn]

hi there. i just want you to know that i read your post and i'm so glad that you're getting help! great self care.

about the BPD dx...i personally think that your awfully young for a dx like that. BPD, from my understanding, is dx'ed from YEARS of patterns. i don't want to sound old but i'm gonna. i think alot of the "relationship" problems are age related...not to say something else isn't going on there for sure, though.

the thing is, you recognize that you need help and are doing everything in your power to get that. i think that's so awesome and responsible. please keep us updated? we care.

good wishes,
kd