[Euphrasie12]

Hi! This is my first post!
I figure I should dive right in.

I have found that I'm the sort of person who keeps others at arms' length. I set myself up for crashing in terms of relationships and friendships. I never try to hurt anyone, but it's the repeating pattern. I am terrified of feeling vulnerable, and that would be why I'm keeping others at arms' length. I'm afraid I'm not good enough, not smart enough, not really a worthwhile or worthy person.
I hate being stereotypical, but I'm in my later 20's and I only recently got out from under my parents' thumbs. They controlled things; there was do defying them without paying emotionally for physically. I think they did the best they could, but now I'm like a kid whose mom has left her to figure out on her own how to play fair in the sandbox. And I'm failing terribly. I look for my sense of self-worth in others. And it hurts when, after all has been said or done, I'm rejected. And it hurts when I'm accused of deliberately trying to hurt people. And it hurts when my sense of self worth was given to these people.

These same people say that being depressed or otherwise is no excuse for being terrible, that we ultimately decide how we will react, and I do agree, but at the same time, I really really don't know how I'm supposed to act approriately if have no point of reference to draw on in the first place...

I try, I try so hard to learn from my interactions, but between the anxiety, and the social idiocy, and the depression, I just don't know anymore. I dont know where to start, what to do, how to proceed.

I'm on medications, yes, and I do see a psych.
But I guess most of all I'm wishing I could take back the pain I caused so many others because of my idiocy.

[mrb020377]

Euphrasie,

First I want to say, Welcome!!!! Psych Central is a great place to make friends, to vent your feelings, to have someone who has been in your shoes support you, to just be yourself and feel good about it.

Coming from me, who was emotionally, mentally, physically, and sexually abused, it is hard to know who you are, and how to act. It comes from trial and error. I have learned some really hard lessons in life, by the mistakes i have made and the hearts I have broken.
You sometimes feel as if you will alsways be a heartbreaker, or that you will always do the wrong thing. It will all come in time, just don't give up!
Like my signature says: Failure is not about failling down.......... Its about not getting up again.

Keep going to counseling, keep talking about the things that bother you or that you dont understand....
Life is complicated and no one has all the answers, but i can understand your feelings. I am here if you want to vent to me anytime.... ok?

hang in there.,.... and welcome!!!!

[Euphrasie12]

Thanks for the welcome.

My therapist had to cancel a session on me because my insurance was all screwy. I left her a message saying I understood about the insurance thing, but I was not doing well, and cancelling on me just hours before I was due to see her was really really sh*tty. I think the message got through to her because she'll see me next week, regardless of the insurance situation, and I don't make appointments for fun anyway.
Luckily, I do have a really good older friend who's "been there and done that" so I spent the evening with her. Since I've been depressed I lost some weight, so she took me to dinner and sat there until I ate my fair share.
My plan is, when I see my therapist next week, to explain why I was disappointed, to outline the issues I want to work on, and make her take me out for sushi.

[(JD)]

Welcome to psychcentral Euphrasie. I think the therapist cancelling was a big mistake on her part... maybe there were some other things going on in her world that the insurance delay just added to? I'm sorry this happened to you, and glad you will see her next week regardless! Good luck on the sushi, though!

Hi Euphrasia,

I don't know if this will help you at all, but maybe the mistakes you have made in the past, you will prevent from happening in the future. Remember, life is a learning experience, and you cannot look at past mistakes, and beat yourself up. You cannot change the past, only learn from it. Learning how to learn from those mistakes, and not dwelling on them could be a good start for you.
Best of luck,

SongBird