[sara1010]

Okay, so how do you get it together with the subject line and where do you find it?!?!?! LOL! Jeez, I know it's not funny at all, but it seems I need to tone down my 'Parent' maybe slap her around a bit to make her shut up at times.

Actually, I tend to let this happen a lot. Offer advice, go on and on about the cost of something, telling people what they need to know.........etc. I am just starting to realize this aspect of myself and even though people sometimes don't want to continue on the subject, I don't hear them. Hmmm, thinking here this is what my mother would do. "Let's just force this information on Sara whether she wants it or not." Or, "let's just focus on what I will have to deal with as a result of what you've done, the expense, the time, the embarrassment."

Crap, shades of wrong Parent info there. I think I'm on the right track here......now where's that duct tape........LOL!

[Rapunzel]

Sara, I think that recognizing it is a good first step. That will make you more aware, and you will start to notice and be more sensitive to the person you are talking to. You could ask a few good friends to let you know how you're doing, and tell you if you start going off on something that isn't relevant.

Rap

[sara1010]

Rap you are so right about recognizing the habit and doing something about it. The only problem with your suggestion, (uhhhh, you forget, good friends?....I've got none) this is a self-policing chore I'm afraid. Much the same as when I realized I was 'Touching Base' (is what I called it) with my spouse whenever he was quiet for a time. Hit him with 'Is everything ok? You alright? Shoot I wasn't asking really how he was, I was asking how I was, according to his feelings of me. When I figured this out, I had to devise a plan to occupy my mind for the hour or so in the morning while he drank coffee and woke up before going to work. This was the worst time of the day for it to happen. So I brought a radio into the kitchen to listen to for this time period and it helped a lot. After a few days I told him what I had been doing and how I was trying to fix it so I wasn't asking him, how I was doing. He was surprised and unaware of what had been happening, but I was, finally. The next morning as I went through the routine again, the thoughts and desire to continue the game were gone. Oh there have been other moments where they came, but I KNOW them now.

I have tried to ask him to help me, but really, Rap, the only person that can help is myself. He was unwilling to play the new game, and I don't blame him. I have the full responsibility of how I act, and figuring out my own boundaries. Because children need boundaries set for them by others, Adults do it themselves.

[gardenergirl]

You're right this is a hard task, and in my case, I often have to remind myself to stop and ask if I'm being compassionate--especially when I'm feeling angry with somebody's actions. I'm still very much a work in process.

But I've found that finding compassion for someone else is a very good way to diffuse anger and frustration. It really does change my perspective.

I hope it's something that gets easier with practice!

Thanks for posting about this. Great topic.

gg

[Perzephone]

I have found that the easiest way for me to act compassionately is to just listen to what others have to say, without chiming in. If someone asks me, point blank, for advice I tell them what I think about the circumstances, but I don't tell them what to do. I also don't tell them how stupid I think they are for doing whatever it might be that they're doing. People never seem to come & ask me for advice on the good things in their lives, but then again I'm completely unbiased & non-judgmental when it comes to ethics & morals - which is also a way I express compassion - "I may not feel that what you are doing is right, but I won't tell you what you're doing is wrong."

[sara1010]

Ohhhhh I like that! What a perfect thing to put down on paper. May I? Please? This would help tremendously I think to print out and place where I can read it several times in a day until it STICKS!

Speaking of this subject, a co-worker's husband has been having some health problems, she thinks it's a result of too many drugs he's taking. Not sure for what, but maybe for back pain. Anyway, as she told my super. and the mgr. practically right outside my door, I suddenly felt the urge to get up and peruse the conversation a bit closer, the thought of 'Gee, I could help' LOL! Bad, bad bad Parent! Needless to say, I stayed stuck in my chair and smothered the urge to impart my wisdom (oh yeah riiiiggghht). Now I could offer 'my perspective' , but that would still be involving myself in something that wouldn't really help me, as it would turn into the Parent again giving that of so valued wisdom. NOT! LOL!

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Perzephone said:
I have found that the easiest way for me to act compassionately is to just listen to what others have to say, without chiming in. If someone asks me, point blank, for advice I tell them what I think about the circumstances, but I don't tell them what to do. I also don't tell them how stupid I think they are for doing whatever it might be that they're doing. People never seem to come & ask me for advice on the good things in their lives, but then again I'm completely unbiased & non-judgmental when it comes to ethics & morals - which is also a way I express compassion - "I may not feel that what you are doing is right, but I won't tell you what you're doing is wrong."

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

[Perzephone]

Awww, of course you can have my words!

I'd also like to say that it is very hard for me to be a nice person. I want so often to just be left alone that it's a struggle to not snap at someone, to not bite their head off... I have to really take the adage "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" to heart. That and the Hippocratic oath, even though I'm not in the medical profession. I think it can be applied to almost any situation. If you can't help, do no harm.

[sara1010]

Thank you! I'll have to fancy the font up and your words will be with me for a long time. Well, I hope not that long. LOL!

Well you are a nice person, and I do understand about the hard part about being one. For such a long time my mouth would simply blab something out, snappy or snotty, one or the other. Doing so much better this last few months.
Thank you again, I really appreciate your help.