[macklin]

im posting to ask if there is something "wrong with me", or if my circumstances were just bad, which caused all of it. let me explain what i mean:

before 4th grade i was very social, gregarious, had high self esteem etc. i pretty healthy, social-skill wise. but 4th grade also happened to by my first year in public school.

(im not sure) but for some reason i craved attention, and would act out just to get it. i realzied that picking my nose would get the attention of the other kids, even if it meant taunting. before i knew it i was being made fun of pretty badly, and really regreted picking my nose so often. so i stopped. but the jokes kept coming for the rest of the year. i had no friends, ubut had a close group of buddys in my second home (divorced parents) which helped.

5th grade came alongand i was doing ok, still had pretty good self esteem, still made people laugh etc. but i didnt really have any good friends. only acquaintances. i was kind of at a school with a bunch of idiots, and kids from a much lower socio-economic backround than me. so im not sure if my lack of friends was my fault or the students fault.

6th grade came along, still very gregarious and good with people. i wasn't shy at all. but i didnt make any friends, for some reason. i couldnt tell you why, i really dont know. the whole year went by friendless

7th grade came and i still didnt have any friends, and i started to lose a little self confidence. grades started to go way down. i started to become quiet and shy, "somber" was the word my dad used when looking back. i was very embarassed about my lack of friends, and tried to hide it from people. i would walk around aimlessly at lunch to make it look like i had somewhere to go. it was dreadfull.

8th grade came. by this time i was at a new school. there were probably people i could have been friends with, but i had no self confidence left, and was very shy and quiet. i would hide in the bathroom at lunch so people would not know i was a loner. sometimes i would cry, it was horrible. during this period i was generally just kind of sad and lonely.

then i get into high school, and by this time my social skills were shot. i was very reserved and had no confidence whatsoever. i have no idea how to handle social situations, and was quite "awkward". then one day twords the end of the year this kid came up to me in the library, and asked if i wanted to hang out with him and his friends. i had a lot in common with all of them (a passion for music and art), and started to hang out with them every day. however i barely ever opened my mouth, and almost never laughed.

10th grade came, and i opened up to these kids a little. but not much. i was still very quiet and reserved. i started going out and night, and started to get some social experience and stuff.

11th grade came, and this is where i am now. i would say that im "almost" normal. i can hold up conversations with strangers, and am generally a little happier. but i still lack self confidence, and im very self conscious (which i hate so much). my social skills are a little shakey and i probably lack the skills to make new friends (other than the ones i allready have.) like, i could never just go up to someone and talk to them. but recently ive realized ive gained just enough self-confidence to go and talk to a girl at say, a concert or something, something which was def. out of the picture before.

so right now i would say im a tiny bit socially awkward. but almost completely lack self esteem and confidence. im very self conscious, which i hate most of all. im generally kind of stiff.


so anyway

my first question is: would you say there is something socially-wrong with me, or was this just an unfortunate series of events rooted at my initial craving for attention? because i feel like im growing out of it.

my second question is: how on earth can i get over this? how can i improve my self confidence? its killing me feeling this stiff and nervous and reserved all the time. i hate it. only when im around close friends in a quiet setting can i feel at ease. and even then its not guranteed, at all.

next year im going to this boarding school, and ill be repeating 11th grade. im worried im not going to be able to make friends. (pretty common fear i think). but what can i do to grow out of this once and for all? i feel like im allready half way there.

thanks!

(and i apoligize for my poor writing, i kind of rushed this)

[macklin]

also, i have ADD. however im not sure if this is revelant or not

[Christina86]

Hi macklin,

There really isn't anything socially wrong with you (IMO). I had a similar experience like yourself, because I moved provinces and started Grade 3 at a totally new school in a totally different province.

What matters about what you've been doing socially is that you are trying.

Lacking self-confidence and winning over it takes a lot of hard work. I can honestly say that it won't happen over night. (I for example am in my 2nd year of university and am just starting on this). To improve your self-confidence is that you've got to find people that you connect with on some level. Maybe try finding a group of people that share a similar interest, but a group where you have more knowledge (or the same amount of knowledge) on a particular topic. This thrusts you into a sort of leadership role, and can help you gain some confidence.

I hope I make sense and I hope this helps some.

[dottie]

[macklin]

thanks for the advise, it does help.

im worried that this lousey childhood as taken a bite out of my spirits, permanently. i really hope im wrong. i just look at other kids my age who are thriving and motivated and excited, and it just makes me feel like im missing something. like im burnt out almost. sorry this is kind of pathetic, but its how i feel.

[Christina86]

What you feel isn't pathetic. I will let you in on a secret though, people your age or my age aren't always motivated and thriving and excited. Its all about playing a role, and a lot of people I've spoken to (and who were honest with me) said that its just a mask that they wear.

No worries, I know that you'll reach your stride eventually, and that you'll develop those social skills!

[macklin]

ive also found out that i have a pretty narcissistic way of thinking, acting, and looking at things. i dont have the full on "disorder", but its pretty safe to say that i am narcissistic. ive been called "self centered" by both my mother and father, and they cant both be wrong. and i have some of the worse symptoms, like a craving for attention in indirect ways, and i enjoy praise a little more than i should.

is there no way to overcome these bad traits? they are without a question having impact on my life

[PetulantWolf]

Aww everyone enjoys praise and whats wrong with wanting attention? You sound like great person to me..I dont think you sound strange at all, in fact, you express yourself very well and seem quite nice.

Everyone has their things..its just some people hide it "better" than others. Canders is sooo right about everyone wearing a mask. Dont assume the "popular" people have anything over you except confidence..I learned now, at almost 40, after having no confidence in social situations my whole life,that most people are pretty much dorks just like I am..if you "fake" cofidence for a while, people will believe it...and then you get real confidence. You seem very bright- the age old Brady Bunch advice is so right, just be yourself... And dont worry about what "people" think of you. Not everyone has to like you...Not sure why your parents say that youre self centered. You really dont seem self centered/narcissistic at all..maybe youre just deep (or anxious) and you spend more time thinking/talking about how youre feeling or trying to make yourself feel better.
I had very few friends in middle and high school but then made tons of friends in college...Once you get out of high school everything changes...

[macklin]

im pretty sure i am a nice guy, most of the time at least.

anyway im going to try the fake confidence thing - i have a feeling its going to work.

my parents say im self centered because for years i have had almost no consideration for other people. i.e. my mother would recieve a box of chocolates for christmas, and i would eat every one before she even touched them. theres no way i would do something like that now however, which means i may be improving. and also im generally kind of unempathetic to people, but im just saying this, im not really totally sure. and is it even possible for narcissism to be evident over message boards, haha? how would you be able to tell if i WAS narcissisic?

anyway thankyou for the post - its brightened me up a bit. i hope your right about everything, but i honestly feel like i shouldn't take one persons opinion with such weight. i feel like now im just going to use your post to disillusion myself into thinking i actually dont have a problem when i do. god, i dont know. i dont know why i worry about this kind of thing, i should just try to play the cards ive been delt. cause this stuff is like hard-wired into your brain. anyway im going to put out a conscious effort to be more considerate, less selfish, and just be the best person (socially) that i can. if i do this and things still dont work out, well then im just screwed i guess. i think i might be a mental hypochondriac.

[macklin]

you might want to read this as well.

http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_d...ype/doc/id/419

narcissism is a little more than just being inconsiderate and selfish, it kind of shapes you whole personality (in a lousey way of course)

[PetulantWolf]

Interesting. Doesnt seem like it describes you. DO you think it does? It seems like a few of my co-workers though. Accountants.

[macklin]

i dont understand how you could tell if these things apply to me or not just through my brief messages...but anyway, im not sure if it applies to me. some of it does

i'll answer the questions for the numbered symptom list on this site: http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_d...ype/doc/id/419

these aren't going to make sense unless you read the questions on that site, either

1. i dont usually lie about anything, no. i dont think i "demand" to be viewed as superior. but i do kind of think highly of myself. i really do go to a school with a bunch of idiots though, so there mighhttt be some truth to it.

2. im not obsessed. but i do want to be very sucessful at whatever i choose to do, but i dont really see anything wrong with that.

3. yes, i do kind of feel this way. i have a little bit different intrests than most kids (taking photographs and making art and music) so i do tend to hang around a certain crowd. im just kind of attracted to interesting people in general also...i mean i talk to plenty of people who arent into those things, but all my close friends are. is this snobby?

4. yes. i sometimes behave provocatively (probably for attention), and i sometimes try to get a reaction out of people. i dont really seek out admiration i dont think, but i do like it when people "admire" and compliment me

5. sometimes. i kind of try to get places without having to do the work involved that other people have to do. sometimes ill cut in lunch lines, etc. but that might just be cause im impatient and have add

6. no i dont think so

7. maybe a little bit. i probably have less consideration for others needs than most. my needs usually come first (i think)

8. sometimes i envy others, not that often

9. no i dont think so (but as with all of these im not completely sure, because all of these things are so second nature.)

[macklin]

any second opinions?

[Christina86]

Hi Macklin,

Based on your answers (statements) to the questions, I don't believe that you've got a Narcisistic personality.

Actually, when looking at what I answered in my head and comparing to your answers, we seem to be similar.

Thinking highly of yourself is a good thing. Not if it makes you socially isolated, but a bit of a self-esteem boost is a good and healthy thing to do.

I don't think you're snobby to have close friends that are interested in the same things you are. It helps to be able to connect with others on some sort of common ground, and you're doing just that!

Trying to get reactions out of people is (IMHO) a normal thing. I do it all the time, I thrive in making people think, and by getting people to act in a way that helps them understand a point or something that I'm doing. Liking people to compliment you is normal. Going out of your way to get them to compliment you is not, so you don't have a problem because you don't do that!

Number 5 is something you could work on, but it doesn't necessarily mean you have a narcissistic personality. It just means you like to cut corners occassionally, which is what 99% of people do on occassion too!

As for the other questions, I've got nothing really to add or comment on. You seem to understand yourself well.

I hope I didn't annoy you with my comments.

[macklin]

yeah, i dont think i have the full on disorder or anything, just self-centered tendencies.

is there any way i could have asperger's syndrome and not know it by now? or could my ADD be responsible for my poor social skills? if you look at this link http://www.adders.org/info75.htm
it pretty much describes me :

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Difficulty with social relationships

Many people with ADD/ADHD have difficulty in understanding how others think and feel. This may lead to naive, or socially inappropriate behaviour. They often try hard to be sociable and do not dislike human contact. However, they still find it hard to understand non-verbal signals, including facial expressions.

Difficulty with communication

People with ADD/ADHD may speak very fluently but they may not take any notice of the reaction of people listening to them, continuing to talk about one topic regardless of the listeners interest or lack of it. Their voice and facial expression may be flat or unusual and they may have odd gestures or eye contact. In many cases they may take jokes or expressions literally and have difficulty in understanding sarcasm.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
i sometimes think i might lack facial expression. to what extent im not sure. the symptoms are kind of similar to asperger's syndrome though:
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>

Severe impairment in reciprocal social interaction (at least two of the following)
1. inability to interact with peers...no
2. lack of desire to interact with peers...no
3. lack of appreciation of social cues...probably, i cant think of an example of a "social cue", so probably
4. socially and emotionally inappropriate behavior...i dont think so

All-absorbing narrow interest (at least one of the following)
1. exclusion of other activities...no
2. repetitive adherence...i dont understand what this is
3. more rote than meaning...no

Imposition of routines and interests (at least one of the following)
1. on self, in aspects of life...maybe? im not sure i understand what this means...will someone enlighten me?
2. on others...same as above

Speech and language problems (at least three of the following)
1. delayed development...uhh not sure
2. superficially perfect expressive language...no
3. formal, pedantic language...no
4. odd prosody, peculiar voice characteristics...possibly?
5. impairment of comprehension including misinterpretations of literal/implied meanings...its happened before, yeah

Non-verbal communication problems (at least one of the following)
1. limited use of gestures..i dont think i use ANY gestures
2. clumsy/gauche body language..maybe
3. limited facial expression...probably, yeah. im not very "emotional"
4. inappropriate expression...not that im aware of
5. peculiar, stiff gaze...possibly
Motor clumsiness: poor performance on neurodevelopmental examination...im not that clumbsy no

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

maybe i should mention that i tend to use gestures and am more expressive when im drunk?

[mlyn]

Always get screwed up if I compare my inside to others outsides. Is way off track.
Be kind to you!!!!

[Rapunzel]

Hi Macklin,

You sound very conscientious and interested in improving yourself. I find that often the people who are concerned with this kind of thing when they are your age group up to be much better socially adjusted than others who are part of the popular crowd and that's all they care about.

You might also be interested in the old nose picking survey and discussion that we had a while back. Just something on the lighter side.

I think you're a good kid. You're going to turn out okay.

Rap