[sloppyjo]

Normally I would not have a problem with my desire to make everyone happy...but.......here lately it seems to interfere with my family. My whole entire life I have had the strong urge to feel accepted by everyone in my life....classmates, friends, co-workers, bosses, school officials or anyone in my life. Because of this need to be accepted I have developed a need to befriend everyone even at my own expense. I go entirely out of my way just to do favors for other people. To the extent I take care of one of my employees finances. In the summer when school is out I have like a million of the kids friends here cause their parents know they will be taken care of. I always and will always go above and beyond the call of duty to do for others. Sometimes this causes problems for my husband because it will take away from "our" time because I am running errands for a friend. Or I'm working late cause I know my job HAS to be done (even though I could finish up tomorrow) or he wants the house quiet and we have 10 kids running around.

My question is (well I have 2) recently I had a couple of friends tell me they think I do all the things I do so I feel better about myself. Like I know feel I'm worthy. If I feel needed and take everyone on as my charity case then I feel important. I'm not all for sure about that and if it is true whats the harm? I feel good about me and in the mean time I helped someone out.....right?

2nd Question. We recently found out my 17 year old stepdaughter is pregnant. I automatically want to jump in and help. My friends are about 50/50 some say I just need to make her figure it out on her own. The others agree with me and say she is going to need help through this difficult time. I'm just torn because I want to do the right thing. So I ended up analyzing how much I do for others recently to try to justify me wanting to help her so much.

[PetulantWolf]

Jo, Im the same way but Im learning to say no. My T says saying no can be very empowering. And this weekend I discovered he was right.

About the stepdaughter, I would definately jump in...I mentor/counsel teenage mothers and Im sure this girl needs someone with a big heart like yours.

At 17, there is so much you dont know....I was 17 when I got pregnant the first time and I lacked the confidnce to know I would be a good mother. I thought becasue my mother abused me I would abouse my daughter so I put her up for adoption. I had another gierl since themn and it turns out Im an unbelievably great mother...you dont know what crazy stuff is running around in her head. It cant hurt to talk to her and let her know youre there..

[Christina86]

Hi sloppyjo

The only time that the giving to/helping others could be bad is when you sacrifice yourself to the point where you're no longer putting yourself first, and suffer as a result. (BTW, I'm guilty of that, learning how to put yourself first is HARD work!)

As for the question about your daughter, (I'm 19) if I was going through such a difficult time like your stepdaughter, I'd welcome some help. Thats just me mind you, but a little bit of help never hurt anyone (IMO!)

[praxis]

Jo,

Welcome to PC. I, too am struggling to put myself first. I think this is pretty common among us women. The extent to which you put yourself out for others definitely sounds like a problem. I doubt you are trying to make yourself feel important; more likely it makes you feel validated and accepted. How is your self esteem? Do you feel valued just for being yourself or only when you are helping someone? Recognizing what you are doing, and why can go a long way toward learning to say no.

Praxis

[PetulantWolf]

Yeah I think girls are brought up to be "nice". I always had this misconception thatif you be nice to other people they will be nice to you. So I spent all my time being nice, and nicer. And then I learned in most cases it doesnt work that way. Most people just thought I was someone to take advantage of. In most cases, people should have to earn my friendship, respect etc. I dont just give it away anymore....At least in theory anyway...Im trying...

[sloppyjo]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
How is your self esteem? Do you feel valued just for being yourself or only when you are helping someone? Recognizing what you are doing, and why can go a long way toward learning to say no.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

My self esteem sucks!!!! I really just think because of my weight. I'm confident in other features ( I think)

But how does one repair themselves? How do I break the mold? It's me, It's who I am...Its what makes Me...well Me.

[praxis]

How to repair yourself and break the mold? By reminding yourself that you are than what you can give others, more than how they perceive you, more than your past experiences, more than your current situation. These are things that have shaped who you are, but you are much more than that. You are also your thoughts, your feelings, your interests and aspirations. Who were you before you had all these responsibilities? Do you still have the same interests? Different ones? The self never stops developing, but it does sometimes get submerged. Getting back in touch with yourself might make being accepted by others less important to you.

Anyway, that's what I have been trying to do for the last couple of years. I've had some success, but still have a ways to go. Best of luck to you.

[mlyn]

You know you have the strong desire to please everyone it is evident. Now ask your self why?
Now you know, now you have the choice if you want to continue on the same path or not.
Help her be independant. I was pregnant at 16 if my hubby of today did not show up I do not know what we would have done. Help her become independant best you know how without ridicule just support.

Wow I sure can identify with you, Sloppyjo. I have always felt the need to please everyone, and I feel guilty if I feel I'm falling short. Now I am trying to not be so hard on myself and just go with the flow of things. If I can please someone then that's great, but not at the expense of making myself stressed out or neglectful of other things that are important to me.

As far as your stepdaughter, I believe you should support her as much as you can. My son has told me on more than one occasion that just because he's older doesn't mean he doesn't need me. I'm sure your stepdaughter feels the same. I wish you the best, and your family too!

Sujin

[(JD)]

Hi and welcome to PC (sorry I didn't see you come in )

No one can please everyone. If you do, something is wrong. imo.

Your helping others is admirable! Now if you can learn to channel that energy and ability into pure altruistic motives, you will feel even better about yourself, and others won't be questioning your motives either.

The step daughter can use help, I'm sure. Make sure that you help her find ways to take care of herself. If you manage to help others learn self sufficiency while you give them support, you will be a top citizen, imo.

Often, psychologically, ppl demand they please others because of their own feelings of inferiority. You have some pretty good friends there, who are comfortable telling you what they think. I wonder if your efforts are making them uncomfortable?

((hugs))) Thinking about these things can be good for us!

[Evangelista]

So can relate Sloppyjo...I am the oldest of 6 sisters..and was brought up to try and be the peacemaker, at the cost of learning I have a right not to be scared to take care of myself and that having needs myself is something to be guilty about. I too, do volunteer work, but to me its not about my own needs as about wanting people around me not to suffer..the volunteering does seem to be the one thing that makes me feel like I have worth, the other stuff is just trying not to make people mad or upset..but just wanted to let u know I can relate...I hope u follow ur heart with your step daughter..whereever that leads u to..tough love is something I dont think I have the personal capability to do..to much empathy factor..but I am amazed at those who can..they must be very strong inside and pretty well grounded..

[heartspace]

I've found since having children that I have become more and more prone to wanting to please others all the time. I used to think that having children made me more altruistic, but it has taken me some time to realize that I have become so accustomed to my role in other people's lives: wife, mother, daughter - instead of my role within my own life. I'm not even sure what I'm sayig makes sense.
The other thing I've noticed is that along with the need to please, was a need to be needed. I'm learning (slowly) to step back a little. I need to know I exist in my own right.