Balancing smothering and abandoning a borderline

The woman I’m seeing has BPD and was away on a week long training course for her work and is getting back today. Now I was thinking I was nagging her by calling every day so I figured I’d give her a break and wait a few days. Till I wrote a pen pal and found out this isn’t a wise thing with borderlines.

She said she has an aversion, or anxiety about talking on the phone. So I’m accrediting this to her lack of calls, both now and since I’ve known her. Even though she told me this it can seem that she’s not interested, that I’m being ‘played’ as it were. But I don’t let this dominate my thinking as she’s being honest with me.

I also read that long trips can be quite and ordeal for one with BPD and she’s gone almost 4 months now unable to get therapy.
Now to me she doesn’t seem to be all that anti-social, save for the phone call thing and sometimes needing a few days to herself. And she hasn’t shown any mood swings.

But also I haven’t heard from her since she left. Now normally I’d not worry too much being as we’re just dating and she has her own life. But I’d also hate for her to go through the… disassociation BPD’s can get when away from someone. To define what I mean by dissociation, the symptom of forgetting someone exists if their not present in some form, not to be confused with the average ‘forgetting’ or ‘absent mindedness’.

I don’t know, just getting out some thoughts out on it all.

My answer to it all, patients. Not easy, but something not being easy is always the sign it just may be true and right.

Do you all think I should continue to call every day? Is this excessive? I’m a former isolate so I don’t really know anything about relationship norms, be it a woman mentally sound or not.

I don't know that you can be in a position to be "in charge" of how your friend takes things. She may feel smothered when you give her what you consider lots of room, she may feel abandoned even though you've called her everyday. You have to do what's right and good for YOU, not another person. One can't ever read another person's mind, know what they want and how they're going to react; have to ask them, they're the only authority on themselves.

I think your plan of giving her a few days to settle in again before calling her is a good one. Or, call her and ask her when would be a good time for you to call again, what she would like from you and just gently welcome her home and tell her how glad you are she's back?

> I was thinking I was nagging her by calling every day so I figured I’d give her a break and wait a few days.

That is a nice thought.

> Till I wrote a pen pal and found out this isn’t a wise thing with borderlines.

Well... Every person with Borderline Personality is different. I'm not sure how much you can generalise from how 'typical people with BPD are likely to react' to how the woman you are seeing is likely to react.

I'd... Talk to her about it. Call her if you want to call her and say 'I'm not sure if I'm calling you too much, but I like talking to you. When would you like me to call again' or something like that maybe.

I think... It will take some time to figure out. Relationships are like that though...

I think its a good idea to just discuss things and always stay calm. Its hardly ever a good thing when we let our minds race ahead of us, too much preconception is a bad thing. I think you are right, patience is the key here.

Confusing as it sounds (not how it is written, but the illness itself), Perna has got it right. As a BPD myself, I can tell you that there is nothing that you can do to alter how she will feel from one moment to the next. We can't even predict that! The best we can do is try to be aware of these emotional upheavels as they come upon us, and do our best not to let them overwhelm us too much. Damage control is what I like to call it.

You are a brave, brave man to take on a BPD. I admire your willingness to understand, too. Most don't even attempt this, and if they do, will eventually give up because it is such a difficult illness to deal with. I am constantly amazed at my boyfriend for his "intestinal fortitude!"

Anyway, as Perna pointed out, you MUST do what is good and right for YOU, first and foremost. A borderline can easily sap you of all your energy. We are also very good at manipulating people and/or situations. This is as a result of our overwhelming desire to feel safe and secure, not for malicious reasons as one would automatically assume.

However, the fact is, we should not be able to control you like that. You must maintain your boundaries because ours keeps shifting. This way, she will always know where YOU stand, even if she doesn't know where she does.

I have gradually found constancy in my moods and my own boundaries through my boyfriend's ability to maintain his own. Otherwise, I would have dragged him off into the wild and tore him to shreds, just like the rest of the poor souls that came before him.

As a borderline, she will always be self-analyzing which may bring her to the point of paralysis (ie not calling), because she is unsure of pretty much everything. Talking is good. Talking is very, very good.

By the way, I don't think women have changed that much since you have been isolating, unless of course, your isolation started some 40 years ago. And even if it did, we still like to be indulged in the same ways.

All the best to you!

Altered State

Thank you for your replies. They sound sound for lack of better words. They coincide well with my readings of BPD. Mainly the part of partner/family of a borderline being consistent, and constancy in general for a borderline being highly beneficial.

Today I saw that she’s read my emails, btw I love that feature at the dating site we use to email, so this is a very good sign. From the very beginning she’s told me it takes her time do digest emails of anything more that chit chat so just seeing this means as much as writing back.

I wrote the following about 2 days ago and it’s a bit of a depressing rant. I’ve decided to post it to better get to know my thinking processes.

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10-15-06
I haven’t heard from her yet so I can’t really do anything at this point. Maybe she is feeling smothered, can’t really tell without being able to talk to her. Of course I’m passing over the obvious, historical truth that women don’t see anything in me. This is the reason I stopped thinking on my future and the future of those around me such a long time ago, like you said dtcoyle, too much preconception is a bad thing. I just don’t wait to know the obvious. I’d rather be ignorant and think positive but reality doesn’t coincide with this. I want to think it’s her mental illness, this is my bias. I don’t really have a choice. All I can do is to repeatedly make the mistake of hoping. All the facts point away from this being anything but painful. I’m just going to have to leave it to chaotic chance till I see a psychologist, which I don’t really see what a doctor of any degree can really do. My physical illness is permanently beyond cure in my lifetime, and women just won’t accept me as I am. The horrible irony of it is I know I’m of the personality that I can’t be alone. Kind of like if someone had an allergic reaction to their own blood.

I tell myself this isn’t rational thinking, but in order for that to be true reality must first break down and leave me in my own world of lies. I’d be lying to myself to see it other than the way it is. Sad thing is I, for some ungodly reason, truly remain optimistic. I don’t really understand why. I have 0 income and have been falling through the cracks of society’s disability/health care system for over 5 years now, a dead mother that was the only reason in my parent’s marriage. All I have is my uncle putting a roof over my head that’s, sad to say, loosing his mind to his physical pain and my sister that’s paying my grocery bills. My freedom is TOTALLY at the mercy of others.

I don’t know what it’s like to have a mental imbalance being the cause of mental anguish, but I do know situational misery, and both are out of our control. I’m not going to even think we can truly gauge levels of mental sorrows because there’s the point where it’s just too much to even try. So when I say I don’t know which is worse, chemical imbalance or a cruel world I think it’s fair to say indignation knows no bounds to those in bondage. That’s kind of poetic; think I’ll store that one away somewhere.

Thanks for reading through that vent of frustration, Other’s in my life are too busy to contact or don’t understand. When/if her and I start seeing more of each other I’m sure to have more.

Dame, I’m even being optimistic when I say at lest this message has shown me I’m not as patient as I thought. See, I am too stupid to be a pessimist.
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I do enjoy writing like that. It’s how I get my depression out and deal with it. I often tell other’s at support groups how this helps me as a coping tool. This reminds me to get my diary to cd for my therapist I’ve yet to get. Man is it going to be a real tomb(sp). I have about 2 years of off and on writing in it.

Anyhow I’m working on an email for her now. This form of communication when she isolates herself reminds me of one being in war using two way communication and not hearing anything on the other side. Till I get the email read showing life on the other side.

Well enough rambleing for now. I’ll keep all of you posted.

Thanks again for all the input.

Luther

Good thread........

Just be consistent and it will be alright.

Thanks for posting Annieluv i'd been meaning to get back here.
I guess there's no worry on this subject from my part as she broke it off with me shortly after posting this.
But even though I can't forget her even if I wanted to I’ve since moved on. She does still have my red dwarf season I though so I may see her again if just to check up but defiantly not as more than acquaintances.