I don't know what's wrong with me

I guess this is melodramatic, but I am sure that there is something wrong with me. I don't know if there's a name, and nothing I've looked at seems to fit.

Basically, I have an extremely difficult time conversing with others and making friends. For the longest time, I didn't have any friends. Mostly because I was unable to talk to people. In 7th grade, I counted it as a "good day" if I managed to say one sentence to another person that wasn't the answer to a yes or no question. In fact, I didn't have any friends at all until maybe 9th grade, and that's a stretch. When I say friends here, I mean that I was able to make small talk with them for maybe a minute or so before I ran out of things to say. I eventually did learn how to have a conversation, but I'm still really bad at it, and can only really talk to a very specific, small group of people.

It's not that I have anxiety about talking or anything, or worry that I'll say the wrong thing, it's just that I literally don't know how to answer something to continue a conversation. I don't have problems answering questions in class or with public speaking.

I'm sorry, this doesn't sound like anything super bad, but I know there's something wrong with me. I can't relate to people at all. There are things other people can immediately pick up on that I just can't see. I'm on the volleyball team at my school, and once a guy mentioned some dynamic that goes on in our team while talking to me and some other girls on the team. The other girls immediately agreed with him like it was the most obvious thing in the world, but what he could see from one game I couldn't figure out from an entire season of working with those people. I can't tell when people are angry at others, I don't get clues or hints that people try to give me, and I always feel like I just can't relate to anyone about anything. At this point I'm just suicidal and depressed. However, I wish I could understand if there's an underlying cause of all of this, or if it really is just me.

If you feel that something is wrong with you, then even if the only thing wrong with you is that you have the belief that something is wrong with you, it could be worthwhile finding out why you believe that, wouldn’t it?

One way to do that would be to see a mental health counselor – but I’ve been in and out of therapy for 50 years and it’s very hard to tell a good counselor from a bad one when you first start out. So . . .

Another way to look at it – apart from the belief that something is wrong with you, what would you like to do to change your life for the better? For instance, would you like to learn how to get along with people more easily? That could be a very specific goal that a counselor might be able to help you with, and you could get to know the counselor and decide whether or not you wanted to talk about other things with him or her.

There’s a guy who has Asperger’s syndrome who taught himself social skills and now has a website:

http://www.improveyoursocialskills.com/

So, change is possible – whether there’s really anything “wrong” with you, or not. Anyway, you’re you and there’s nothing wrong with that!

I'm sure our exact problems are different, but I know what you mean as far as thinking something is fundamentally wrong with you but now knowing exactly what. I know I have SAD because I get anxiety and have had bad, dissociative-type panic attacks in public settings. I have gone to Pyschiatrists but it's usually the same old song of "you are depressed with anxiety, here take some Paxil/Prozac/Xanax/etc". I am pretty sure that I have either SPD, AvPD, or am on the autism spectrum or have dissociation issues. I was never "quite right" as a child, adolescent, or now at age 29. Poor social skills, social anxiety, tendency towards withdrawal, never quite fitting in, never fulfilling my intellectual potential, etc. I have been on and off SSRI's and it's never really helped me that much as far as I can tell. Don't mean to rip on Psychiatry because maybe taking an SSRI would really help you. It's helped me somewhat in the past and I don't think it's a bad thing, but it's never fixed my problems.

I HATE talking to people in unstructured situations. My neighbors used to hang out on the porch and drink and I would avoid going our there like the plague because it would scare the **** out of me (it's ****** to get an accelerated heart beat when you need to let the dog out or get something from your car). I had nothing to say to them (they don't want to talk about interesting things and I don't have clever one-liners or funny stories about work and I don't want to complain about some stupid problem and ask them for advice, etc.).

I really hate acting melodramatic, also, but you are not doing this in my opinion. Maybe you do have deeper problems and maybe it's something "diagnosable" like situation-specific SAD, non-extreme but notable ASD, or whatever else. But maybe you have deeper problems and you will never really know for sure what your problem is. I'm not even sure I would trust one Psychiatrist's opinion of what my real problem(s) is/are because they all have biases in one direction (some don't even "believe" in personality disorders, some will over-attribute things to Autism Spectrum Disorders, some will just tell you that you are depressed/anxious and to take some SSRIs).

I really ramble when writing posts/emails so forgive me (wait - is that an ASD thing??). I think I was like you where I never knew the right thing to say, and eventually this turned into SAD when I realized that I don't act right because I have nothing "normal" to say (as judged by the general population) and then suddenly the awkward pause you get when you say something people aren't expecting or don't know how to respond to makes you really anxious. I always say the wrong **** or just don't know what to say so say something really blah-ish.

I am very ****ed up in many ways I am not mentioning here and probably in a very different way than you. But at least you know there are other people out there who are struggling and know that something is fundamentally wrong with them but aren't quite sure what it is... best I can offer you. And remember that it's only as much of a problem as it is to you. If it doesn't bother you it's not a problem - even if society doesn't see it as "normal". And if you let the way you are tear you apart then you've lost already (must like me) so try to avoid that. My problem comes in because I let not fitting in bother me. The best option is to say **** it and to lead a meaningful and fulfilling life anyways because who cares what people think (most of the people who will try to single you out as different or weird are small-minded idiots anyways). Unfortunately I'm not so good at this and I beat myself up about my social failures (but much of the time these days I just don't think about it and avoid socializing as much as possible).

Hope at least some of my ramblings were helpful to you. Good luck friend.

I wish I knew what was wrong with me and why I am stuck in decades I was never born in. Plus I hate technology,cell phones are completely annoying and piss me off every time I see somebody one on. The way this country and the whole society has gone to **** piss me off.Then there is the way people dress today is even more annoying.I think we all to dress like people in 1930,1940,1950s especially women. There's a whole lot of other stuff but don't feel like typing that much.Hopefully somebody out there has a answer or at least a half *** answer