Who even am I?

First off I'll say that I am 18 as age might have a lot to do with it. Anyway, I have grown up into trends starting from about 5 years ago. As the trends passed, I followed onto the next. I listened to hardcore music years ago because my friends were and girls I liked also liked it, so much that I developed a "passion" for it. I quote passion because now I don't even care that much for the music except for nostalgic purposes. I got into electronic stuff because Tumblr came out maybe 3 years ago, you know dubstep (the obnoxious kind) which made me branch off into different abstract hip hop and other weird electronic music genres. I am now listening to ambient / drone / intelligent music because I am tired of the simple mindedness around everything else. It's all so formulaic to me and everyone's just following the trend.
But that's exactly it, am I just trying to be different and stand out? I feel like I really enjoy this music but I also 'enjoyed' all of this other trendy things I listened to. I know music is a poor choice of things to talk about but it's one of the things that I've noticed the most. Am I just faking everything? How do I know if I ACTUALLY like something now if I'm so convinced by other outside sources that's it's good or different? Is me questing this / being aware a sign that I don't like it? If so, how do I know what I actually like.

This is what I've been going through for the past year, therapy doesn't really help at all because they're all pointing to my father that left when I was 3 whom I do not know so I don't really care about at all haha. So I need someone who knows psychology to help me out. I have looked all over the internet for ages trying to understand what is happening in my head but nothing helps. Thank you.

Here's another sad example. I was a christian because I was brought up that way, got bored of it when i left private school to public school, got into christian hardcore (trend so i don't even know if i was actually christian in retrospect), dated a girl who was incredibly intelligent who was an atheist and atheism suddenly made a lot of sense to me, we broke up though. Funny thing, I'm still pretty atheist but she's a christian now, I recently found that out and now I'm looking for religion again because people seem so happy and I just want to be plain and happy like them.

What is this? haha..

Since you posted this in the Personality Place forum, I’ll tell you what I got from reading what you wrote here. I’ve done a lot of research on my own disorder – including books and stuff I read before I was officially diagnosed – but if you want a person who really knows psychology, a therapist who specializes in personality disorders would be the one to ask, not me.

Sorry that your current therapy isn’t helping.

As you probably know, identity concerns are a “normal” event in adolescence. That’s part of what everybody does, goes from being a child to an adult, and that changes one’s sense of who he or she is. But I can understand if you’re wondering, at 18, if that will ever happen. Of course, maybe you’re just one of those for whom it takes longer. But maybe not.

Thing is, with regard to the therapy, if you ARE having problems that are typical for people diagnosed with personality disorders, then the loss of your father from you life at age 3 could have been a critical event preventing your “self” from developing normally, based on the stuff I’ve read. "Not caring about him at all" could be a way of avoiding the pain of that loss.

On the other hand if therapy isn’t helping, maybe it’s not therapy that is “right” for you, but the current state of the mental health system in the USA for people who have the conditions that get classed as personality disorders is really poor IMHO.

Since you’re 18, I’m wondering if you’re still on someone else’s (your mom’s?) insurance for therapy. But even if you are – can YOU take charge of trying to find a therapist who can help you more than the ones you’ve been seeing? Ask that person (or persons) the questions you asked here in your post and don’t stop looking until you find a professional psychologist who can answer them. Good luck!!

Hi crawler, SORRY no professional help here either but just some thoughts.
I'd say that we're all going to be influenced by outside opinions/trends at times but that all goes towards helping us (sometimes gradually) discovering what we like and what we don't like. Experiencing and trying new and different things all adds to finding what gives us satisfaction. And that can/does change through life.
If you liked particular music or trends at times don't let that take away from the fact that you liked/enjoyed/felt fulfilled by them wherever that came from. At that time it WAS you. It was what mattered to you. And sure, you've changed you "allegiance" (?) at times but I'd say everyone does that through their lives with some things it's all about us moving on and finding different things that spark a passion in us. How you felt is just as important and it adds to who you/we are.
Maybe you'll change "allegiances" less when you get older and get stuck on more things but life should be about staying open minded to a point and you're doing that by allowing different concepts into your life as time goes on and seeing things differently while still holding onto the identity you're really feeling at the time and keeping the passions you have at the time alive.
As for the religion bit, aiming for their happiness, do you think that it might be as much about finding your own happiness (that may be through religion that may not) and keeping a hold on that without challenging the "why's" and "wherefore's". You have had things in your life that have mattered, maybe give them the importance and your happiness the value they deserved?? and allow more things (however seemingly insignificant at the time) into your life to allow for your PERSONAL meaning of happiness.
Don't be afraid to stand out and be yourself, maybe add variety (IF you think you need to) alongside things you like/believe in. DON'T dismiss what you're liking/believing but maybe keep on using/considering different influences too.
But I wouldn't worry too much from what you've said, we all can change through life experiences and that can be a good thing with new experiences along the way if you can really value or use those experiences.
As for your dad it may have left you some issues you need to look further at but it doesn't HAVE to have left issues if you feel it's something you have kind of moved on/away from. Some people can naturally adjust to circumstances and find other things in their life which can compensate, moving on well balanced. Maybe there is some/any of that in you? And maybe the "I don't really care" bit has a lot less importance than perhaps you're digging for???
Anyway, just a few thoughts, best wishes.
Alison

This is an interesting question. I've wondered it to about myself. I did the same thing with music like you did. I also became an Atheist. But my examples also went further than that. I had a friend who was really into photography, so we would go out and shoot and I really enjoyed it and had all these artistic ideas and everything, but now we're not friends and I don't remember the last time I took a picture.

Growing up my dad was really into sports and we watched sports religiously for most of my life and I got caught up in all that "passionately" as well. But again, now that I'm on my own I could really care less what's going on in the sports world.

I'm in my late 20's now and throughout all my prior "changes" some things stuck with me, some things didn't. I still listen to the same music I got introduced to by my friends and I'm still an Atheist. The way I've sort of explained it to myself is that it's about adapting. I mean, that's a normal thing that humans do. We adapt to change in our environment. And that's what I think I did. A new person came into my "group" and if I wanted to remain in that group I needed to conform. It was never a conscious thing I was never intentionally "selling-out," but I think it's inevitable. It's simply how we are designed. Things can appeal to you for different reasons, but sometimes things simply appeal to you because they are advantageous.

Now I feel like I do have my own identity, but it could very well be because I've had a pretty stable life for the past few years now, so maybe I just feel like I've found my place.