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#1
May 30, 2014, 10:28 PM
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I don't know whether I am posting at the right place but here goes. Looking back at the reason why the past 8 years of my life got totally "screwed up", I feel that it is all because I am a people-pleaser. I'll do anything for someone who can convince me that all they have are best interests for me.
I gave up my actual dreams of designing and got into engineering for my parents. I then gave up countless friends and other things for people who claimed to love me and then they left. I gave up my higher studies and went to a job I didn't think much of for a person I loved, and he left too. Over and over I've been giving in to my anger and guilt and people manipulate me into doing what they wish by using all this. And now, I am stuck without going out and getting my career up, all for a person I love, for the sole reason that he makes me feel guilty over my past errors. I am so sick of living for others. I am 23. If I don't do what I wish for now, when can I ever? How on earth can I change my life around? |
 Anonymous200265, Bumblebuzz12, TorturedSoul92
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#2
May 30, 2014, 11:56 PM
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 Wow, 23? I think it's time you still doing things for you. It's fine to support others, to care, love, and make sacrifices for others that mean a great deal to you, but remember that you are important; what you want is important. Take care of #1, OK? :P
__________________
{ Kein Teufel }
Translation: Not a devil [ `id -u` -eq 0 ] || exit 1 |
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#3
May 31, 2014, 11:15 AM
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#4
Jun 03, 2014, 01:24 AM
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I am trying to get things done for myself. But the going is hard. It is like a chain I couldn't break. If someone asks me to do something, I find it hard to say "No"
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#5
Jun 03, 2014, 01:28 AM
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You've got to put yourself first for a change or else this cycle will continue
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 dilemma-girl
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#6
Jun 03, 2014, 12:53 PM
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Trying to do just that. My first step is my career - I am trying to do what I wish to do, and I am trying to find out as to what exactly I want to do with my life.
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#7
Jun 09, 2014, 12:25 AM
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Dear dilemma-girl: God, can I empathize with these urges/feelings! It can be so ingrained, that it becomes auto-pilot; it was hard for me to even recognize the behaviour until after I had already acquiesced. I know how frustrating this can be!
I have to tell you that age can alter much of this - the closer I got to my 40's, the less f*cks I gave. Not to say that I became insensitive to others, but pleasing them over my own wishes didn't have the power it once had. Therapy really helped me accelerate the process, though. You can definitely change and life will get better. You just need some help learning how to temper your kindnesses to others so they won't interfere with your best interests and needs. It does take time, but you are already recognizing your patterns and can see the pros/cons of the behaviour. You've already started the process! Take care; wishing you the best. - Bolivar |
| dilemma-girl, Onward2wards
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#8
Jun 20, 2014, 05:50 PM
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Learn to say no. You are only human you can't do everything for everyone. I know, I've been there. Depending on the people your dealing with I'm sure they will understand, and if they don't it's not your fault. It's all about how you think about it. When I was a people pleaser, I thought people would be mad at me for saying no. When I said no I was so relieved when I saw how okay they were with my answer and if they don't understand oh well. You don't have to give them an explanation but you can if you want to.
Besides you are still very young you can turn your life around. Go back to school and pursue your dreams despite what people think or say.I once read "what people say about you isn't any of your business." I also suggest you try to spend at least one day a week spending time with yourself. Take a break from the world and relax to show yourself you really care 
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| Onward2wards
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#9
Jun 23, 2014, 07:19 AM
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#10
Jul 16, 2014, 08:36 PM
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__________________
I have learned that i and i alone am responsible for my happiness, most people these days are as reliable as wet toilet paper!  
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#11
Aug 13, 2014, 11:35 AM
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These guys are so right, you have to take a stand and say no. I did the same thing you did, I'm now 25. You have to do it before things get worse, trust me, they will if you do nothing about it. When you leave it, certain people you never imagined will come into your life and ruin it. And, windows of opportunities to change your career path, etc. close rapidly. I still had options at 23 (your age), I left it and within only 2 years I've got myself painted into such a corner I have nowhere to move. I became very vulnerable and two really deprived people attached themselves to me. They are high maintenance and have almost ruined me financially. They never told me they were homeless and extremely financially needy. It started off small and escalated until the point I have almost no more money for myself. I have lost the equivalent of 1000's of dollars already. The worst thing is, I can't tell my parents, I can't tell my friends, I can't tell my superiors at university, there's nobody I can turn to, because I know their judgement will be so harsh, since it was such an incredibly stupid situation I got myself into. But, it was all because I couldn't say no.
And yes, they are both women. It happened because I was so lonely, I wanted friends so badly and wanted my first ever girlfriend so badly, I wanted to be loved so badly. They saw that and used it to manipulate me, twist and torture my soul. Now I'm screwed, damaged, I don't trust anyone, and I can't detach myself from them, they have firmly planted their claws in me. I have often considered just taking the "exit" if you know what I mean. I think about it more and more every day. I don't fear death at all and would find it quite easy actually. I'm in such a dark place, I'm not even scared of going to hell, being tortured. I'd take that over this, I'm not joking. I would rather burn in flames for eternity than have to deal with this anymore. I think you can see what an impact this has had on me, what a serious problem it is. It's not the money that bothers me that much, even though I am a poor student that doesn't have much, it's the emotional damage and manipulation, and it still continues. Please promise me you'll do something about it. I'm getting teary-eyed just even thinking that this could happen to someone else. I really don't want it to happen to you, you sound like such a good person with such a good heart. I'm starting to cry just thinking about it  . Dammit, why must stuff like this happen? It's so unfair. You are so undeserving of it, I haven't even met you and I can tell already you're not the kind of person to deserve it at all. I wish you all the best and so hope you can find peace. You deserve so much to be happy.
Last edited by Anonymous200265; Aug 13, 2014 at 11:55 AM. |
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#12
Sep 10, 2014, 08:36 PM
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I don't preach and I don't give advise. But here's what I did when I was in your situation. I entered a 12 step anonymous group called Codependents Anonymous [google it] which helped me see exactly why and how bad parenting had set me up to be People Pleaser. I also began to study the teachings of Eckhart Tolle [google him] to understand how to live in the Now and the best thing I ever found was Self Esteem work [google it] which taught me how to improve my own self worth and self respect which was severely damaged when I was programmed to be a People Pleaser by my very foolish parents. I cannot imagine anything more important than regaining my original self respect and worth BEFORE my parents DESTROYED IT. good luck getting back your original self respect, jim
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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