[fancyfree]

hi i'm new here. i don't know who else to talk to or where else to turn. i was seeing a therapist at my college but i decided i didn't like him bc i thought he was sarcastic and not taking me seriously a couple times so i stopped seeing him.

i don't really know what's wrong with me. i had a dx 10 years ago of major depressive disorder. since then things got better overall but i've recently had some setbacks. a dr i saw a few years ago said my depression in cyclic. i also had psychotic episodes and anger issues back then, didn't land in the hospital thank god but i was good at hiding it. i don't have those really anymore. i went to an NA meeting 7 months ago (narcotics anonyomous) bc i had big problems in that area. ever since i went to the meeting things were better, i stopped using. i also dropped all of my friends (i thought they were bad influences), stopped socializing totally. which is way different for me i used to be a heavy partier constanly out w friends all the time. so in the last 7 months i've gone out 2 times socially. i'm hollow inside, as if you could knock on me and there'd be a echo. i don't like people i'm a misanthrope. i love my dog more than i ever will with people. i'm numb when i converse with my family otherwise they'll bother/annoy me. i have problems with ppl and professors at grad school i'm constantly going back and forth in my head about them it makes me stressed. on the outside i can smile, laugh at someone's jokes or what they say, i can put on a good show like i'm normal, but inside things do not equal what it looks like on the outside.

i think the bottom line is ever since i turned sober i don't know how to socialize around people. i have some anger, mood swings, and feel hollow. i misinterpert what ppl say i think but i can't help it. like, i figure out what their real agenda is, and what they're really trying to say or do, usually it's the opposite of what they are trying to pose as. sorry if this sounds weird i dont know a better way to describe it. this all started ever since i went sober (not even drinking). any suggestions?

[Perna]

Are you still in college? I'd find another counsellor, one you like, either there or in the local community? Or, I'd get a complete physical and discuss some of my concerns with the doctor and see if s/he had any bright ideas :-)

I had a lot of trouble starting when I was in college/20 until I was around 34/35. Acually from when I was in high school, etc. Maybe find a "club" or support/mens group of some sort in the neighborhood and "hang around" and see if you can't get some practice socializing? Do you have a job, part-time or volunteer? I've always used my jobs and volunteer work to make friends and learn to get along with people better?

[AlteredState01]

The state you're in is pretty normal for someone who has only been clean for 7 months or so. Recovery takes a very very long time. Also, when someone who has (or has had) mental/emotional difficulties in the past, they are most likely to reappear once sober.

After I sobered/cleaned myself up, symptoms of my mental illness began to appear. I had no idea I was suffering from anything prior to that (but then again, I had started partying heavily in my early teens. Drinking seemed to allow me to be the person I wanted to be. It also numbed me out from all the pain I was going through as a kid - I was a perfect candidate for substance abuse.

Looking back, I now see that I had suffered from severe anxiety and depression from a very early age. Drinking and drugging for so many years prevented me from being diagnosed with anything even though continual SI and suicide attempts were made throughout my teens right through to, well, today (it's part of my illness and I will most likely have to fight it for the rest of my life).

It is not uncommon what you are going through, especially if you were on hard drugs.

Keep going to NA and/or AA; find another counsellor, and try not to isolate too much (as this pattern of behaviour can manifest itself deeply and quickly).

You were right to stay away from your partying friends - they will only pull you back to where you were before unless they truly respect what you are trying to accomplish (but I am sure you are aware from meetings that not many "friends" stick around when others are in crisis, especially when it cramps the partying).

And, you hit the nail right on the head in your last paragraph. When I cleaned up, I realized that I had no idea how to socialize normally. I felt exactly like you do now. The unfortunate thing is, I did not take steps to re-learn how to socialize without the use of some sort of substance. I now find myself a prisoner in my own home and of my mind.

DON'T LET YOURSELF FOLLOW THIS PATH. Help yourself NOW. You still have your whole life ahead of you, so make a plan to learn how to change your behaviours, lest you be in my position 20 years from now.

GET HELP AND STICK WITH IT! THIS CRAPPY STAGE WILL PASS, I PROMISE YOU. YOU JUST NEED MORE TIME. No matter how hocky NA or AA may sound to you, give it a honest shot - you may be surprised just how much healing can take place when you work it. It took a while, but the burdens that were lifted from me probably saved my life.

Recommit yourself to your studies, find the help you need, just do not do nothing. If you can't find support right away, there is always Psych Central. Lots of help here to you get untwisted!!!

JUST DON'T STOP SEARCHING FOR HELP!!!

Hang in there, and know that you are not alone.

[__zh]

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AlteredState01 said:

And, you hit the nail right on the head in your last paragraph. When I cleaned up, I realized that I had no idea how to socialize normally. I felt exactly like you do now. The unfortunate thing is, I did not take steps to re-learn how to socialize without the use of some sort of substance. I now find myself a prisoner in my own home and of my mind.

DON'T LET YOURSELF FOLLOW THIS PATH. Help yourself NOW. You still have your whole life ahead of you, so make a plan to learn how to change your behaviours, lest you be in my position 20 years from now.

GET HELP AND STICK WITH IT! THIS CRAPPY STAGE WILL PASS, I PROMISE YOU. YOU JUST NEED MORE TIME. No matter how hocky NA or AA may sound to you, give it a honest shot - you may be surprised just how much healing can take place when you work it. It took a while, but the burdens that were lifted from me probably saved my life.

Recommit yourself to your studies, find the help you need, just do not do nothing. If you can't find support right away, there is always Psych Central. Lots of help here to you get untwisted!!!

JUST DON'T STOP SEARCHING FOR HELP!!!

Hang in there, and know that you are not alone.


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WOW AS01........Great stuff!

[Wants2Fly]

Goodness, FancyFree, your post brings up memories for me. Like others who have posted here, I had no idea that there "diagnoses" for my emotional states until I stopped numbing myself with drink and drugs, which I did for close to 20 years. Quite the party girl was I.

Of course we don't know how to socialize normally without our crutches, because after all, with whom have been hanging out? Other cripples!

As stated by others here, you are way ahead of the game by getting clean and sober early. I'm sure you've already heard this saying -- The program is simple, but nobody ever said it's easy.

I have the utmost respect for what you are doing. Please keep going, even though it is challenging.

I love dogs better than humans, too -- and I've been sober 20 years.

Keep going!