[sidony]

Ever feel like you don't HAVE a personality? I feel that way sometimes. I'm surrounded by my friends and they all have these intense interests and talents and opinions. And I'm impressed with them, and I can guess what they'll say on specific subjects because I know them. And yet I feel like I'm just a flat 2-D character sometimes. I'm often not intensely interested or even intensely bored. I don't have much in the way of unusual talents, and I tend not to react very emotionally (don't get very mad, etc.). Sometimes I just feel like I'm an amalgam of everything that's ever been said to me, like I'm just spitting out everything I've heard back to the world in a different order. Who am I?

Anyone relate to this feeling? It's not all the time but sometimes.

Sidony

Hi Sidony,
When I was going through my depression, I was over my brother's friend's house with my date, my brother and my sister in law. He gave us a tour of his house and we came to an empty room and he said "And this room is like Jax's personality..." My brother cut in and said "It's pure, non complicated, spacious and clean" and he turned an all out ugly insult into a positive thing. (My brother can be very sweet.) But yeah, I've felt like I didn't have a personality.
Try to see it as my brother sees it. Instead of seeing something negative and bad-change your perspective and make it into something positive and good.

[sidony]

Thanks Jax. Your brother's pretty cool and that was a good story to hear. :-)

Sidony

[WinterRose]

I love that story, too, Jax. What a great brother!

Sometimes, I feel like I'm missing something when I'm in a group. Maybe that is part of what you experience when you say that you don't have a personality, Sidony? They start talking about certain things like the 80s and I have nothing to contribute. Nothing of my own to contribute. I was there, in the 80s. We're the same age, but it's like there's a black hole in my life or something. I just feel out of the loop when that happens. I get a sense of disassociation from the group-like I'm not really there anymore. Reminds me of when I was that age. I don't think I was clued in at all. I was an unknown personality-wise I'd say.

Hmm, Sidony - You've really got my brain going on this one.
I wonder if there is such a thing as a suppressed personality? It would be interesting to ponder what kind of personality you would have if you chose it for yourself. I wonder if a personality gets suppressed or doesn't fully develop when you aren't given a chance to express yourself? Would experience change what personality you ended up with? Do you think you could modify or change your personality if you wanted to? Just exactly how does a personality form?

[Rapunzel]

Reminds me of something one of my past therapists said to me. I was describing how my family didn't allow me to be anyone, didn't encourage my interests, suppressed me if I had something to say, .... He said that they had taken away my personality. And he asked if that hurt. I was past feeling anything though. That was at least 10 years ago.

[Benjamin]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Re: Ever feel like you don't HAVE a personality?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
I remember feeling that way several years ago. I didn't feel like I had anything to offer and was just a miserable bastard. But then I discovered something that improved my life dramatically. It's called tequila.

But seriously, I took some time off work and just immersed myself in things that interested me. I practiced my guitar and studied various topics. I found that I had an interest in psychology and read probably a dozen books on psychology. I also worked on my self-esteem. As I started feeling better about myself, my personality started showing itself a little more. When you're happy with yourself, you care less about what others think about you, and you're freer to express yourself, which is a lot of what personality is all about.

Feel that way all the time, like im just copying others and dont have a myself.

[sidony]

Thanks for all the comments! I'm glad other people can relate (okay, I'm not really glad anyone feels that way, but at least you can know where I'm coming from). One of the things I end up talking about in therapy is how I sometimes suppress my own needs when I'm around someone else (like I think other people's needs are greater than my own) and then I lose sight of what it was that I really needed in the first place.

I'm doing group therapy now (been going for about 6 weeks) and naturally I feel like I have no personality in the group. Part of it is that I'm incredibly shy, but most of the time when a conversation is going on I can't think of anything I want to contribute. I'm dreading going to it tomorrow because I've had nothing much going on all week. When I don't have an event to report, I don't know what to say. And I know I'm supposed to talk about how I feel in the group, but I don' t know how I feel a lot of times. So it's hard.

Blah.

Sidony

[WinterRose]

I've never done group therapy, but I think it would be hard for me. It sounds difficult. I don't know if I could even talk about not having something to talk about and feeling bad about it. Try to be gentle with yourself concerning it. I'll think good thoughts for you.

Winter Rose

[sidony]

Thanks WinterRose! It took me a year to get up the nerve to try group. It's definitely hard for me. Haven't given up just yet though....

Sid

[Benjamin]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
sidony said:
Thanks for all the comments! I'm glad other people can relate (okay, I'm not really glad anyone feels that way, but at least you can know where I'm coming from). One of the things I end up talking about in therapy is how I sometimes suppress my own needs when I'm around someone else (like I think other people's needs are greater than my own) and then I lose sight of what it was that I really needed in the first place.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
That sounds like a self-esteem issue, Sidony. I read a good book on self-esteem a few years ago called The Six Pillars of Self-esteem by Nathaniel Branden. One of the "pillars" is self-assertiveness. To paraphrase Branden:
Self-assertiveness means honoring my wants, needs, and values, and seeking appropriate means to fulfill them. It’s the willingness to stand up for myself, to be who I am openly, to treat myself with respect in all human encounters. To merely hold values is not self-assertion - to pursue them and stand by them in the world, is. It’s about not having a bit part in my life - it’s being the leading man. To practice self-assertiveness is to be committed to my right to exist; I am not here on earth to live up to someone else’s expectations.

I got a lot out of that book and I'd highly recommend it.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>

I'm doing group therapy now (been going for about 6 weeks) and naturally I feel like I have no personality in the group.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
I was in group therapy six or seven years ago. It was kind of rough, but it was good exposure therapy for me. I suffer from social anxiety and speaking in a group was good practice.

As far as your personality, you have a nice personality her on PC. All you have to do is bring it out when you are in the group. Just remember to play the leading role in your life. As you're walking through the door, tell yourself, "This is my life and I'm the star of my life." It helps me, anyway.

[sidony]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Benjamin said:
That sounds like a self-esteem issue, Sidony. I read a good book on self-esteem a few years ago called The Six Pillars of Self-esteem by Nathaniel Branden. One of the "pillars" is self-assertiveness. To paraphrase Branden:
Self-assertiveness means honoring my wants, needs, and values, and seeking appropriate means to fulfill them. It’s the willingness to stand up for myself, to be who I am openly, to treat myself with respect in all human encounters. To merely hold values is not self-assertion - to pursue them and stand by them in the world, is. It’s about not having a bit part in my life - it’s being the leading man. To practice self-assertiveness is to be committed to my right to exist; I am not here on earth to live up to someone else’s expectations.

I got a lot out of that book and I'd highly recommend it.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Thanks for the recommendation! I'm definitely not very assertive. I didn't even really recognize it before therapy, but now I'm trying to work on it some.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I was in group therapy six or seven years ago. It was kind of rough, but it was good exposure therapy for me. I suffer from social anxiety and speaking in a group was good practice.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Yup, social anxiety is challenging! I thought I'd never have the nerve to try group because of my own anxiety. I'm still nervous when I go. Eek, I'm going tonight!

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
As far as your personality, you have a nice personality her on PC.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Thank you so much for saying this!!! I've wondered how I sounded. I remember posting something once and wondering afterward if it sounded patronizing or something (I constantly worry about how I word things). But the other person took it the way I had intended, so I try to stop worrying so much. I guess that's associated with social anxiety though (perpetual self-consciousness).

Sidony

[Benjamin]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
sidony said:Thank you so much for saying this!!! I've wondered how I sounded. I remember posting something once and wondering afterward if it sounded patronizing or something (I constantly worry about how I word things). But the other person took it the way I had intended, so I try to stop worrying so much. I guess that's associated with social anxiety though (perpetual self-consciousness).

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
I worry about how I word things, also. Like in the post above, I left the e off the word "here." Naturally, I had to beat myself up a little for that.

My writing style used to be radically different from my speaking style. I don't have all that anxiety when I'm writing. Not that I'm a great writer or anything, but I was able to express myself more clearly in my writing. Over the past couple of years, I've made a conscious effort to try to speak more like how I write and it's given me more confidence when I speak. It's a slow process, though. We can't transform overnight, but we can improve.

Good luck with your meeting tonight! And remember: You're the star of your life!

[sidony]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Benjamin said:
I worry about how I word things, also. Like in the post above, I left the e off the word "here."

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Of course I never even noticed that. Most people wouldn't! But I tend to be self-critical too.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
My writing style used to be radically different from my speaking style. I don't have all that anxiety when I'm writing. Not that I'm a great writer or anything, but I was able to express myself more clearly in my writing.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I know what you mean. If therapy were done in writing, I'd never get anywhere with it. I'd be way too careful, and it'd take forever to find the real roots of my problems. (I didn't go to therapy for social anxiety, but my having that becomes obvious in talking to me and contributes to some of my other problems!)

(I have no idea how anybody does "online therapy" but I know there is a such thing.)

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Good luck with your meeting tonight! And remember: You're the star of your life!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Thanks!!!

Sidony

[WinterRose]

I guess I do some writing therapy now that you two mention it. I'm constantly sending emails to my therapist and psychiatrist. It usually helps me work through my response to things and why I'm having that response. It also helps me keep connected to them since I can't see them as often as I should. I only wish they could write back, but ... I know why they don't. Confidentiality for one of them and fear of writing and lack of time for the other. (Side Note: I get on my psychiatrist's case sometimes about the bad writing fear that he constantly uses as an excuse not to pursue certain things he's interested in. You don't get better at something if you don't ever do it. Rolling my eyes.)

You're also right about it slowing things down - really what it can do for me is put up a wall to separate me from my emotions, but this is good when they are too strong for me. I do use intellectualism as a defense though. On the other hand, sometimes I discover things and become emotional when I'm writing. So I guess it goes both ways.

PS - in group tonight

[sidony]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
WinterRose said:
PS - in group tonight

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Thanks! It went reasonably well. I didn't say very much compared to anyone else there, but I did manage to say enough that I don't feel depressed about it. I mean, I made a little bit of an effort anyway. I'm not good at jumping into conversations though. And I know I need to just go ahead and speak without overthinking, but I'm not very good at that yet.

Well I have individual therapy tomorrow. Guess I can complain about it then.

Thanks to all for the helpful posts!

Sidony

[Perna]

How'd your individual session go, did you have that yet? :-)

I loved having my individual T when I was in group; she wouldn't "help"/discuss group things but occasionally when I had a problem or insight, etc. we'd talk about it. I was afraid in group and still remember her telling me, "I don't know much about group therapy but I don't think they're out to get you" and it was like a lightbulb being turned on! It was so helpful understanding it wasn't a me/them situation (I was the newest member). I must have literally thought they were out to get me :-) From then on I wasn't afraid to sit anywhere (I had always arrived early to get next to the woman leader for "protection" but she was almost scarier than the group because she also was very direct/"present" and it was scary when she turned her attention to you :-) and I was much more relaxed and could thus "see"/"hear"/participate more.

[sidony]

Hey, thanks for asking! Individual didn't go as well as I'd hoped, and I realized afterward that I'm actively trying not to talk about the group in individual. I think I'm afraid to let my therapist know my impressions of everyone because he'll try to facilitate my engaging with people more than I'm doing. Which is the POINT of course, except that I'm afraid of trying to interact.. I realized afterward that I was fighting with him. It's subtle as hell, but I shifted the conversation away from group several times or else I gave responses that I never elaborated on at all. It's like I actively don't want to give him anything to work with. Why am I suddenly being so ornery in therapy!? :-D

I also don't want individual therapy to turn into group processing time, but that's less worrisome to me.

Sidony

[WinterRose]

If he's a good therapist, he'll probably have you out eventually. Mine calls me on things when she catches me.

[sidony]

Oh I'm planning on telling him that I'm doing that. :-) But I'm not planning on changing it just yet. I need a buffer or I'm going to give up on the whole group thing. There's a lot of conflict in the group, and I'm not that interested in being all anxious every week. Plus I tend to think the conflict is petty stuff.

I probably won't actually quit, but I keep thinking about whether I value it at all or not.

Sidony

[ocd123]

Oh yeah...I seem to swing between being personality-less (I think I just "created" a new word!!) and having way too MUCH personality!

And yes, I think a lot of it stems from the fact that I missed out on so many things that other people my age were doing--just growing up, basically, and moving on with their lives while I seemed to be standing still. Now I just can't relate to people my age--they're so busy with their marriages and kids and jobs and I don't have any of those things. So it doesn't give me much common ground with other people--I mean, what is there to talk about??

Then again...I can get really enthusiastic about something and talk people half to death *sigh* It's very confusing!!

I never can seem to find a middle place--I'm always at one extreme or the other.

[Wants2Fly]

I never feel like I don't have a personality. I just feel like I have a personality that rubs people the wrong way and is in some way that I never seem to be able to fix, inadequate.