[Quanticia]

That's more of a question than a problem, but please check it out.

Everyone who knows me long enough agrees I've never been through puberty.
"He can even make Anna angry" is a popular irony among family and friends, I literally never got annoyed or rebellious, and have hit "God" level on the "good kid" scale (I can say "no" when it's important, but that's different). No control over my life, or trust in my own opinion. Also never felt like maturing sexually, never even looked at guys around me till my 24. Never cared for my image, I could wear the same cloth for 10 years even if it looked ancient "as long as it's comfortable". Which didn't matter, since I usually preferred to stay home and play games instead of going out with my (more mature) buddies. Never had acne either.

But recently it's like something cracked open. I'm becoming more decisive and open, even started to shout whenever needed. I'm not afraid of becoming annoying or to disagree, and making my own mind has become important (instead of just enjoying the "good kid" benefits), I strive to be in charge of my life and future. Gradually socialize more and game less. Had the first proper haircut after 9 years ("at last you look like a woman instead of a 16-yr-old" everyone said), also learn how to use makeup and show my beauty. I have more appetite, previously being on the anorexic side. I check on cute guys around too. I sometimes feel a switch inside me, which turns on huge urges about acting responsibly and in-charge (can't keep it on for long yet, but it's appearing more often). I even started having acne.

Am I going through the changes I should have gone through during my teens?

[geis]

That sounds like adulthood, not teenagerhood. (I don't think that's a real word, but whatever.)

I think there's this cultural myth that this happens when you hit 18 or something, but it's been my experience that different people "come into themselves" at very different times. I can relate a lot to your process. I grew up in a family that repressed individuality and personal opinions, and I was terrified to do anything they might not approve of. Things shifted for me gradually, as I discovered I have values radically different from my family's, and I started becoming more comfortable with that. There are still times I catch myself lapsing into the "good kid" role, but most of the time, I feel much more separate from my family and secure in my own identity. To me, that feels like growing up, not being a teenager.

But it's okay for the process to take as long as it takes. I don't think there's really any "should've done it as a teenager" timeline or anything.

[Quanticia]

I wasn't oppressed, just...I have great parents and tended to look up to them too much. But I can see what you mean 27 looked too old for me, but you are right, that can be a cultural myth. Thank you for your reply!

[puppylove_me]

My home life was much different from yours, but I have the same feeling. I'm actually 35 years old but mentally and emotionally I feel like I'm in my 20's. My mom abandoned me at birth so my dads parents took me in and my dad sexually abused me from 5-13. My grandparents knew but didn't protect me. Right before my 12th birthday I contacted my mom and went to live with her. She sexually exploited me 6 months later so I went back to my grandparents and the final straw with my dad happened. They both went to prison at the same time in different states and I went into foster care until I ran away at 16. I've been on my own ever since. My feelings were never validated and to be honest, no one cared about how I felt or what my opinions were. I was a straight A student in school and won multiple awards for my essays and I also won awards for playing the oboe in Jr high. No one cared or praised me so I think I started to stop growing emotionally. I just tried to stay quiet and out of the way. I married and had my son at age 22 and was a good wife and mother. I just have done everything the complete opposite of how I was treated. The marriage only lasted 2 years and I became a single mom. That's when I got to experience my teen years. Dating, going out occasionally, talking and flirting on the phone. I've progressed past that point to where I feel like I'm around 25. That's how old I was when my mother died. My boyfriend, well fiance, is 24 and we live together. Both of children live with the other parent. I have BPD and PTSD along with severe anxiety and depression and I've been in therapy for 4 years now. She agrees that I'm stuck emotionally and in my thought pattern at a much earlier age than I really am. We haven't figured out a solution yet so if you find something that works, please private message me or update this post. Thank you for sharing. I really thought I was strange for experiencing this. I'm glad you are starting to experience more and grow emotionally. Just remember that you are important no matter your inside or outside age!! Keep up the good work!!

[Quanticia]

Originally Posted by puppylove_me

My home life was much different from yours, but I have the same feeling. I'm actually 35 years old but mentally and emotionally I feel like I'm in my 20's. My mom abandoned me at birth so my dads parents took me in and my dad sexually abused me from 5-13. My grandparents knew but didn't protect me. Right before my 12th birthday I contacted my mom and went to live with her. She sexually exploited me 6 months later so I went back to my grandparents and the final straw with my dad happened. They both went to prison at the same time in different states and I went into foster care until I ran away at 16. I've been on my own ever since. My feelings were never validated and to be honest, no one cared about how I felt or what my opinions were. I was a straight A student in school and won multiple awards for my essays and I also won awards for playing the oboe in Jr high. No one cared or praised me so I think I started to stop growing emotionally. I just tried to stay quiet and out of the way. I married and had my son at age 22 and was a good wife and mother. I just have done everything the complete opposite of how I was treated. The marriage only lasted 2 years and I became a single mom. That's when I got to experience my teen years. Dating, going out occasionally, talking and flirting on the phone. I've progressed past that point to where I feel like I'm around 25. That's how old I was when my mother died. My boyfriend, well fiance, is 24 and we live together. Both of children live with the other parent. I have BPD and PTSD along with severe anxiety and depression and I've been in therapy for 4 years now. She agrees that I'm stuck emotionally and in my thought pattern at a much earlier age than I really am. We haven't figured out a solution yet so if you find something that works, please private message me or update this post. Thank you for sharing. I really thought I was strange for experiencing this. I'm glad you are starting to experience more and grow emotionally. Just remember that you are important no matter your inside or outside age!! Keep up the good work!!

Whoa! That's a lot to take in... But it's great to see how you don't give up and do some progress yourself! Also it looks like you have a caring and supporting partner, which is important. I don't think that I can totally solve your problem, but here are some thoughts that may help.

Better face one problem at a time. Being "young" is a result of many other things that have happened: when you have too much burden inside, it's hard to focus on the "adult" world and progress. Start from the strongest and most annoying "knots" you have in you and start solving- or finding ways to make peace inside. Medicine isn't the solution: it only helps you cope with the symptoms. Considering your childhood it isn't strange to have PTSD: I am sure you are not the only one in the world, and there have to be psychologists who can help you make actual progress. Do keep in mind, though, that the psychologist is there to help you getting un-stuck, they can't solve the whole problem for you. The part of looking your fears and insecurities in the eye is your own job. And it takes bravery, and it's painful and sometimes confusing. But I believe you can do it. I have a daily routine: I sit down alone, without any distractions, for 15-60 mins (depending on how I feel) and think on what makes me sad, trying to see all the possible sides, and possibly find "weak parts" on my mental walls. It helps me solve stuff, little by little, but also it trains me to be braver and stronger. This may or may not work for you, just mentioning.

Another thought is, you may want to put aside the matter of your parents for a while. Focus on yourself, on improving yourself and on solving your more-controllable issues. If you solve lots of smaller problems (for example some social anxiety or a minor addiction) they sum up, and you feel stronger, and more in control of yourself. Which could give you the power do deal with the bigger problems. Good luck!!!

On a side note... I recently discovered I have ADHD, and treating it helped me gain 1-2 years... I'm now an adult

[puppylove_me]

Thank you so much Quanticia!! I appreciate the tips. And Congratulations and your "aging" lol. How does adulthood feel? All jokes aside, I am really happy for you. And I am going to bring up your points with my therapist. I am also interested in EMDR therapy. Ive read some great reviews about it helping with traumatic events in your life. Joining here has been great too, as I can read others' posts and relate to them or learn from them. In my town there is not currently a group therapy available for BPD or PTSD so that's another reason I joined here. Thank you again for being so friendly and offering your advice. Good luck to you also