New and needing some insight(sorry kinda long)

My name is Brina. I am 25 years old and I have 2 kids. I have been battling depression and anxiety problems my whole life. But I have noticed or it has been brought to my attention the past 3 years that I am having severe mood swings extremely happy, pissed off , distant, bossy and controlling or depressed and sad. There is nothing else. .I have no happy medium anymore. I have panic attacks that wake me from a sound sleep. I have irrational fears, I get paranoid over things like going outside after dark and riding in cars, In the last year I have started noticing I see black shadow figures in the dark and when I turn the lights on they aren't there, I am terrified to go to sleep at night, I have isolated myself from everyone I no longer have any friends, I have been in an on and off again relationship for almost 11 years now and to say the least I hate him with a firery passion, most of my family have quit talking to me because I am just mean anymore. They tell me I have more moods than the ground has grass. I don't sleep much a few days a week then for 3 to 4 days all I do is sleep. People tell me it is like they don't want to be around me because they don't know which side of me they are going to have to deal with. I am in so much debt from frivilous spending, at the high points I will meet a guy online and go have sex with him, I break down into tears for no reason at all, I have only ever had 3 jobs back in 2002 I quit 2 after a few months b/c I couldn't deal with people and was fired from one because of a lack of emotion when there was a theft on gasoline. I have been in and out of therapy for 10 year and on several medications but things only seem to be getting worse the older I get. Most people drown themselves in drugs or alcohol, well I went that root but because I moved in with family I can't do that so I drown my depression in food which is costing me my health being 380 pounds or as my therapist says my Self Destructive Behavior. I am in a constant fog, I hate leaving my home, and I can't deal with people anymore. It is like my mind never shuts down. My family keeps trying to force the issue of me signing up for Social Security Disability and we constantly argue over it because I see no point in it, I tried last year and was denied. They all tell me I need to snap out of feeling and acting the way I do but I can't. I'm so lost in the midst of it all I don't know if I am coming or going anymore. I am not really suicidal because I don't really want to hurt myself even though I have already planned it out I am passive about it and if I die I die. My sister brought up the idea of me having a Personality Disorder, my mother thinks I am Bipolar, and my therapist tells me that I have severe depression, anger issues, anxiety problems, and my issues with people and always feeling like they are judging me. Any insight from anyone......

just my opinion but it sounds to me as if you have a lot of bottled up emotion

do you switch so rapidly because you keep it all inside, the second a worrying situation comes up you become extremely worried because you have suppressed all this other worry, does that make sense?

Maybe try writing out emotions such as worry, or taking up something physical, e.g. walking, running, swimming, boxing....for your anger issues. Do you make time for just your self? An hour a day most people should, even if it is just a quiet bath and reading, you should always make sure you look after your self. Thats the advice I've always been given by my T's any way.

As for seeing things, this could be from anxiety, which gives you paranoia, but it is deffinatly advisable to see a psychiatrist if you are not already.

Welcome to PC...lots of resources, quizes, and support here...

I think the first step would be to schedule an appointment with a professional and hand him what you wrote...

I think that will help sort this all out....

I don't think it is so much bottled up emotions. I have had mood swings my entire life but the past several years they have become a lot worse. It is to the point my mother threatened to have me locked up in a Psych hospital. I write poetry and in a diary constantly usually 5 to 10 times a day but it doesn't seem to help. I never have time for myself, my kids father is around but as soon as I say anything about him watching them he leaves. My family isn't exactly the helping type espically when it comes to my kids. I have been in therapy for a few months now and now I am going actually Monday morning to see a Psychiatrist. Thanks for your insight

You really need to get someone to watch the kids on a regular basis so that you can have a break. Even if the only way is to pay a babysitter, it is worth it. You will be amazed how good it can feel just to be able to go for a walk by yourself without the kids.

you have a lot of issues i'd say see dr who may be able to find a medication that helps, i'd sign up for disability as if you are not able to work.......... then why not? i fight with myself about meds should i take them should i not ,i know that when i'm on them i'm far better ,more myself ,no self destruct feelings, good luck

brina -

sounds like the story of my life before i secured disability. judging from our similarity of symptoms, it also seems you'd have no trouble getting disability, but you really need a lawyer who specializes in getting social security benefits. in my case, social security paid me a lump sum to cover the time between when i became disabled and when i was certified...err...approved , and my lawyer took his fee out of that. it really is worth looking into again, because the weight that was on my shoulders in terms of all the daily stress interacting with people i wanted nothing to do with, and trying maintain enough of a semblance of sanity to keep my job, while at the same time attempting to deal with my dysfunctional relatives - (it's kinda stressing me just thinking about it) - was lifted once i got my benefits. and with the cessation of stress, there was a corresponding cessation of my symptoms. not complete by any means - i'm still waaay out there, but i'm not toppling on the edge so much anymore. of course, i won't get rich on disability, but my basic needs get met, and social security disability comes with medical coverage and prescription drug benefits.