[mymask]

Not sure where this post belongs. My issues are opposite of many on this forum, I was not neglected by my parents, but my mother was a smother or loved me to much. I am in my 50s now, female, and at some point in my early development went the opposite way (I think??). I am guarded and feel like I don't love others that much. She was and still is very childlike, affectionate, always says I love you, but I felt smothered and guilty about not feeling the same way...like if she were a bad mother (neglectful, abusive etc) I could have a good reason for wanting to distance myself, but I can't find anything to "blame" her for other than loving me to much. It has left me feeling I am not good enough, low self esteem, reserved, distant not wanting to get close to people.

Anyone else have a similar problem, I don't hear much about this...usually about neglect.

I think I understand. My mother, despite a bitter streak, is mostly a loving, generous person, who often gives more than she receives. I kind of grew up resenting the fact that I couldn't seem to pay her back with the dedication she showed my brother and me. I would rather have had her be less attached to us, as weird as that sounds. I do as best as I can with her now, making sure she feels loved, but I feel inferior, like it'll never be enough to repay her, and I still have some of that resentment. It doesn't help that when she's in a mood, she'll guilt trip me into deep periods of self-loathing, but most of the time she doesn't do that.

[crystal blue]

yes me too. My mother had schizophrenia and she would not let me out of her sight. She also made me afraid of people by telling me how strangers wanted to kid nap me and she would never see me again. She made me dependent upon her. My father was alcoholic. He deferred to her because he was always afraid she would have another "breakdown". He allowed her to smother me. I had one friend all the time I was growing up. Her father was alcoholic, so we had that in common. I never had friends over the house, I was always embarrassed. I am sure I learned to have an avoidant personality this way. My only sibling was a sister, 11 years my elder. She was always glad to get out of the house to be with her friends. She was able to do that, but I had to stay in the house. I know what it is like to be smothered. I wound up really hating my mother when I grew up. She was to me like an albatross around my neck.

[mymask]

I feel inferior also, but mine rarely gets in a mood or guilt trips me or nothing, but she did long time ago, she got mad at me because I never told her I loved her, I freaked out, broke down, got angry, cried, but within a day, told her I loved her (felt very weird) and have ever since then, but other than that, no guilt trips or anything, just what I call unconditional love, isn't that what everyone wants?? It is just hard to live up to that.

[nikon]

I can relate to what you guys/ladies have said. my mom was very overprotective and loving when I was growing up but occasionally had shifts where she would give me or one of my siblings the silent treatment. I was extremely dependent on her, enmeshed, and felt like if she died I would also die. some point around 24/25 this changed completely and I detached a lot, and now I feel really distant from her, and like I don't really love her or care that much any more. I have no idea why. these days I am not sure if my view of my family is more accurate or more distorted, but I am seeing her as more manipulative and controlling, and seeing that her love wasn't unconditional but rather controlling.

when I was a kid I had "bad" thoughts about not loving my mom that I felt sick with guilt about. these literally caused me terror. i think it was purely obsessional ocd - never saw a psychologist or anyone at the time but the thoughts caused serious problems. now if I have those thoughts I feel nothing, which is weird, and I also have a lot of trouble with relationships. I feel anxious when relationships start to get closer (just friendships, never had an intimate relationship) and a lot of my friendships have ended suddenly with arguments. i am extremely awkward with people, don't trust people and find it really difficult to talk openly. i'm not sure if this is related to my mom though.

[magicalprince]

You know, if it feels off... it probably is. Sometimes love shown on the surface can be a tool used to appear loving while not necessarily acting in a loving way. I have experiences this personally. There is no reason you should have to feel guilty.

[Pandasia]

Hi, I too am in my 50s. My mother and myself weren't close; I found out in my 20s I wasn't planned, she was 6 months pregnant, and nearing 40 years old when she found out she was having me.. Her mother lived with us at that time and gran brought me up, I feel I was closer to Gran, I never felt mother and myself bonded. Gran passed away when I was 10 years old, leaving an adolescent/estranged mother relationship. She never hugged me out of love, I would always have to ask for a cuddle. Her philosopher a mother was, I feed you, clothe you and dad puts a roof over your head - end of duties.
Now I always tell myself it's not my fault when I start to feel guilty for not loving her, and not too upset when she passes away, though she had Alzheimer's, so it was a blessing really.