[miztexrgv]

Grandma(mother in law) has just been moved to assisted living.
She is making everyone in the family's lives hell. This has been going on for years. Everyone agrees that she is a "toxic" person, and everyone who has tried over the years to help has had to pull away for their own health and well-being. She says she is on a hunger strike until we move her home.....but she was seen eating hearty meals in the dining room shortly afterwards. She makes phone calls every 5 minutes for up to 6 hours to her son, (other son she hasn't spoken to in 15 years...and he LIKES it that way!) She has accused numerous people of stealing her car, checkbook, credit cards, etc. The people at the new assisted living think that there is a mental problem; either bipolar, DID, or Alzheimer's. But I know that she is Borderline and paranoid. She has all the classic traits.
we have taken her to a general doctor, but all they have done so far is blood tests, etc. She is also very devious in getting attention by claiming she is ill. Maybe she really is, and maybe she isn't. She has cried wolf so many times before that we don't believe her anymore. Maybe a little Munchhausen there?
Strangely, the reason I am here is because I am Bipolar, on regular medication, and was doing fine for the first time in YEARS until this %#@&#! hit the fan. I have a special needs child and a new business. I can only handle so much. However, I feel very guilty because I have stopped going to see her, answering her calls, etc. She overwhelms me with her needyness, anger, and paranoia. What can I do? I wish she would just go away or die or something. She is 81 and widowed. She just rang my phone for the third straight hour today. Every 5 minutes. Also sending letters.This is torture. It is abusive. We can't get a caregiver to stay with her for long because she abuses them, too. Everyone has run away but my husband and I. He deals with her by avoiding her calls, etc. He says to not let it bother me. Easy for him to say. He got to practice for 50 years! I was NOT raised with this kind of behavior. (My family was suicidal, not manipulative and vindictive). Help!

[Perna]

Hi, miztexrgv, welcome to PsychCentral. It sounds like your mother-in-law has dementia. My stepmother got that way when my father died. But the abusive stuff could be Alzheimer's too.

My stepsister and I had to import my brother from Hawaii to take away my stepmother's car (wouldn't listen to mere women :-) and when he went back to Hawaii she started calling my stepsister and me and accusing us of all sorts of things, calling us names, and pleading for her car ("my friends still drive" :-) and telling us she hated us, etc. Fortunately she just had dementia and not Alzheimer's so there was a lot of forgetting. She would call me on the phone and we'd get into an argument and she'd hang up but then she'd call back in 5 minutes and start the conversation all over again, not realizing we'd just talked about it. I knew what didn't work so had a chance to reword my response and avoid the argument; it was almost nice.

I joined the National Family Caregivers Association and felt a bit of support from reading about what others were dealing with and how they managed, tips they had. I also was in therapy so had additional support with how to deal with my stepmother and problems that came up around her.

You might find a local group of others caring for Alzheimer or difficult older adults and see if that can help you some.

It probably is easier if you're raised with that :-) rather than come into it with marriage. I'd follow your husband's lead though, let him deal/not deal with it as much as possible since it is his mother. I'd maybe put an answering machine (on low volume) on the phone she calls on and get a different number (second line, cell phone, computer phone, etc.?) to use for your "normal" life and give her some rules (only 5 calls a day then only answer every 5th call she makes or once every 3-5 hours, etc.).

Make it as easy as you can for yourself and try not to let anything "crazy" she says affect you; you know if you've lied, cheated, stolen, etc. and you haven't! Literally don't let it affect you. She's going to get ill and die and that's not going to be your fault and there really isn't anything you personally can do about it. She doesn't realize she's being such a pain and probably doesn't feel unhappy in a way you do (no guilt or self-doubt) so just ride on top of that. The assisted living place is caring for her the best they can (you all can check on that routinely) and that's all you can do!

Still, I realize it will probably be a rough several years while she is in your life. I use to get my stepmother from the assisted living center at first (she went downhill quickly) and bring her to my house and I'd be jumping at her beck and call like I was still a kid. My therapist was very good working with me about that and I felt very supported so I was able to learn to deal with her better and feel less anxious about the situation.

By all means, use your energy for your own family and new business. Your child (and husband) need you more than your mother-in-law does.

[miztexrgv]

Oh, thank you for your words of encouragement. We really needed that! I don't know if it is dementia or just a lifetime of mental problems, but I am not going to build my life around it anymore. I am too busy with other things. we are getting caregivers to go in and attend to her once a day. We will have peace of mind(if they don't quit!) at least!