[violet66]

It seems that I have somewhat adopted my daughter's (6 y/o) identity as my own. I have mentioned before that I have developed a "crush" on her "boyfriend". When she comes home from school I drill her on every interaction she had with the boy, and get get giddy when she says it was flirtatious. When I am getting her ready for school her hair and outfit have to be just so - she needs to look perfect for him. I have even given her advice on how to flirt with him. When I work in her classroom it makes me so happy to see him faun over her, he seems to be drawn to her like a magnet. I feel like the biggest loser writing this by the way, like I have absolutely no life of my own. I would like to have her life, it seems so much more fun. Has anyone else experienced similar feelings? Is there anything that can help me get my own life back?

[Perna]

I was jealous of my nieces and nephews because my stepmother was treating them (her grandchildren) with more leniency than she did me and having fun with them, etc.

I guess the only way to get your own life back is to think of something of your own, an adult something, that you want to do and do that; go to a meeting or class and meet other adults or even a mother/daughter thing where you can meet other parents. She's 6, there's not much real "relationship" going on there :-) They can barely write love letters, LOL (my stepmother saved one of mine from a boy in first grade).

[violet66]

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Perna said:
She's 6, there's not much real "relationship" going on there :-) They can barely write love letters, LOL (my stepmother saved one of mine from a boy in first grade).

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I know! My thinking is totally ridiculous and irrational. Thank you for your advice

[Perna]

If you buy a lot of clothes and things for her so she'll look nice; you might use your own vicariousness "against" you and insist that you buy whatever for yourself too? That way, if she gets a new outfit, you get a new outfit. You are even more important than your daughter because you are her support so treat yourself well as a way of helping her?

[RiverX]

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I feel like the biggest loser writing this by the way

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All the more courageous of you for sharing it.
I was a single parent, I loved my little boy so, so, much, but as I look back now on the terrible mistakes I made I live with the sadness of the losses. I'm gonna say some things and I hope they'll be helpful and not hurtful, but I'll say them because at the time when I was a parent I would have benefitted by someone telling me a few things.

You obvously really love your little girl, and you want the best for her, but from what I know, what you are doing is getting involved in a way that your needs are taking over from her true needs. She needs to learn friendship and to play as little dhildren do, learning to share, imagining games, fighting, getting over it ect, not manipulating and flirting, she needs to learn kindness towards this little boy, and also how to begin to lead her own independent little freindships too. These things will bring her real self esteem as well as life skills.
The healthy thing for her to be doing now is to be learning to have your love to go with her inside her as she learns to little by little become independent in small amounts, whilst still being close and able to rely on you.

In order to free her to do that, as Perna says it would be important for you to find other loving ways to nurture yourself and feel good about yourself, as well as this, to understand you own needs in this, what is it that you need that is fulfilled by seeing your daughter having this attention, and of course, your own history will probably help you understand.

I think you did a brave thing to ask questions, it takes a good parent to be able to do this, our parenting is so, so personal, and many are closed books.
I hope this is useful

best of luck,

river

[Fuzzybear]

I think you're a good parent because of your honesty in sharing those difficult feelings and caring so much about your little girl as to be able to open up about this. I really admire that! River gave good advice
(no cubs here)