[satine]

Hi I have been living with my mother recently to finish school and I have begun to notice the reasons why I moved away at 17 years old and not continue contact with her. After reading up on borderline pers. I see that she def. fits! She lives vicariously through my teenage sister (focusing only on her social life, boyfriends etc.), she has a problem with lying about everything no matter how insignificant, she makes things up to fight with me, she has this amazing hate for me...this list could go on for days but what I was wondering is she also seems to have something else going on as well. Sounds strange but she sits in front of the same movie for HOURS she sits in front of the computer looking through websites about the same movie for hours as well. She wont get dressed, and goes from talking semi-pleasantly to screaming name calling and threatening within a matter of minutes..
She refuses to see a therapist...stating that SHE isnt the crazy person in the house, she did go to her GP once and he gave her Zoloft and Xanax..both of which she refuses to take because "it isnt fair that she should take meds when everyone else needs mental help and not her".
After taking the Xanax for the first time she said that it made her suicidal (never heard that one) When I tell people some of the things that she does and says it seems unbelievable.

I am not coping with the situation very well and have become extremely depressed. wow I just vented a whole lot ...sorry

[pachyderm]

Understanding the Borderline Mother by Christine Ann Lawson is a book that I found helpful -- not perfect. I think one could go further than Lawson did in understanding how a "borderline" person feels about herself, and why. There are other helpful books too. You might look up the subject on Amazon.

I Hate You, Don't Leave Me is supposed to be good too.

Now, about helping such a person, maybe if she read some of the books herself and identified and thought that she was not beyond help...

Maybe you could read some of those books and leave a book that you thought was good around the place for her to "find"...

[ECHOES]

It is often hard to get someone like that to see her as others see her. I thought everyone had the inner turmoil going on that I did, and to the same overwhelming and unmanageable degree. Had no clue how fear ruled my life. I'm still learning. Someone saved me by steadily and calmly pointing out how my perceptions were different from the reality of the situation or the person.

Calmly hold on to your own truths. Question her often with a calm curiouslity about where her ideas are coming from and how they differ from reality; that there are her internal experiences only, not what everyone experiences. Keep letting her know therapy is a place she can get relief from her chaotic and frightening internal world.

Do what you have to for yourself. Spend as little time there or around her as possible. Take care of you first. My mother was borderline also and my greatest relief came when she moved 1000 miles away. Now I am in therapy and I see now that it would have been just what I needed when I was trying to deal with her. Therapy would give you a place to vent and help you deal with this too.

[Perna]

Yes, redmamma, welcome to PsychCentral and by all means, take care of yourself first.

People who refuse help are pretty much impossible to help and I think once they get to be our parents' age and we're grown, that makes it even more difficult because of the weight of habit/way they've lived their lives all this time.

It is good you recognize it's not "you" so much; that can help you. I was telling a friend about a boss I had who was bipolar but before the boss told me, I was doing a lot of wondering whether some of her behavior might be my "fault", left over from how I related to my stepmother. But after I realized there was more to the equation than just personalities, I was better able to understand the larger picture and not have such an enmeshed feeling and sense of responsibility.

[satine]

Thank you all for your replies! I am calling next week to make a new therapy appointment I'm hoping that helps.
It's very hard to distance myself from her since we live in the same house currently and I still have a year and a half of school left :-S

I guess for now taking it day by day is all that I can do.