[Stranga91]

I'm sorry I am going to be a little lengthy on here but it is very important to discuss the issue between me and my father.

First of all, a little background on myself. I have OCD and ADHD myself and take 200 mg of Zoloft and 60 MG of Adderall each day. The zoloft has helped decrease my OCD symptoms significantly (the thoughts in my head have dramatically reduced by around 80% and my rituals by probably around 70%) but the OCD definitely does clash with my ADHD especially at work. It is a real annoyance for me in that regards and I want to continue to improve and have bought some great books. I tend to sometimes fixate on certain things and while I will go in depth about myself later, I want to talk about my father's situation.

It is interesting to note that studies show that OCD and OCPD are not related. That is very weird because I get OCD from my father's side of the family. I am a very smart person and love doing research on different things and I actually had gone to Iran during XMAS to visit my family and I learned how both my cousin and uncle have OCD. My uncle has rituals and takes a shower that lasts 2-2.5 hours a day along with other rituals he has. My cousin has really bad OCD and ADHD and it is amazing how I have been able to help them realize what they have. My mother's side does not have OCD (from anyone I can tell) so I see what I believe are OCD or OCPD symptoms among other members of my dad's family such as his sister who is a clean freak among others in his family including his brothers.

Now...this is where the dilemma comes. What does my dad exactly have? I have done a lot of research and I even took him to see my psychiatrist with me. The thing is studies say OCD and OCPD are not related but how come I see OCD symptoms among some of my family members on my dad's side as well as some being just OCPD without having rituals. What I mean is that it is obvious and I am diagnosed for having OCD. I had various rituations but the worst rituals for me were with numbers and organizing things. Of course my ADHD kicks in as when my room is messy it is messy but when my room is clean.....everything has to be arranged a certain way.

Now my father doesn't have rituals but he has OCPD and after hours and hours of research I have come to conclude this is 100% true. As I stated, he does not have rituals but what my father has is an obsession and fixation with things. For my father....everything has to be done a certain way and everything has to be done just right. They say OCPD is cultural and not genetic and what my theory is that if OCD and OCPD are not genetic then my dad's dad either had OCD or OCPD and if he had OCPD then his parents had OCD so culturally or because of his parenting he passed down the OCD to his kid's who did not inherit OCD because 100% of the kids wouldn't inherit the disorder. Does that make sense??? Anyways to my dad....since I was a little kid he was obsessed with work and overworked himself but that was just him. He always felt he was right and could never do any wrong and he always justified himself placing blame on others no matter what it was. He would go on trips and focus on stocks or works....he would try to save things....like using a paper towel over.....or at work he owns his own company and he would use printer paper twice....the front side and once it was printed he would use the back side but he says it is "not about money" but about conserving. Same thing with the napkins.. He always tries to conserve energy and turn the lights off and I have talked to some family members on my dad's side and says that their dad (my dad's dad) used to do the same thing with lights but my father was like 22 or 23 years old when his dad died so they don't remember too much anymore with details. I'm sure it must have been difficult for both his parents to die in a car crash at such a young age. He also tends to be a little cheap on certain things but ends up spending money but for example when cable modem came out (I am turning 24 in a week or so) it took me 2 years to get it. It is not that he does not have money because he lives in a $2 million dollar house but it is something I don't know what it is! Also he of course makes lists in his work and I think wastes a lot of time and he has to be in his home office until 10:00 PM every night over working himself. I can go on and on about his personality but he "HAS TO BE RIGHT" and is very manipulative in front of others and authority because he truly believes he is right every single time no matter what it is and somehow shifts blame to other people. For example...i work my *** off for him but all he does is look at the negative of things and blames me for things that don't mean anything. He spends so much time cleaning at nights and makes sure the marble has no spots and we have to walk with sandals if we don't have socks on when me and my bro are at his house so you can say he is a cleaning freak when it comes down to it. Like I said, he reuses his paper towels and he freaks out when you "take more than one" because it is "waste". I don't know what it is but it seems like he is so depressed and does not enjoy life because all he does is ***** and ***** and ***** and even if I work hard he will always be negative about something and cannot enjoy a second of life. He married this witch and I want him to be happy but this lady is truly a sick person who has really manipulated him. She seriously has mental problems herself and I read how OCPD respect authoriative figures and this lady might have slept with my dad while he was married but my dad justified that too and how it was not cheating. This lady used her manipulative tricks to kick me out of the house and it truly scares me because while I am happy I am not living with him and everyone i know tells me to forget him and move on with my life...I feel obligated because if I do not make my dad realize things then I feel that he will die of a heart attack within 5 years (he is turning 50 in July). I have the power in so many ways to change things for him and as I said with myself....my OCD and ADHD conflict at work but thank god things have improved but is still a daily conflict I have with "busy work" as I spend too much time on them. For my father, I know that he does not have rituals and I am very sure he has OCPD and my psychiatrist said so himself privately to me after one visit. The problem with my dad is that he has an outer shield protecting himself and in front of anyone.....if it was the psyciatrist or anyone else he comes out very intellectual and simply believes he is always right no matter what he has done wrong and hurtful to people and ends up justifying himself and taking out his anger on other people as he would always ***** and ***** and ***** at me for really no reason or things which are so small and don't really mean anything.

I don't know what to say but what I am looking for is how to get inside of an OCPD mind and help them realize they have problems. I was thinking of writing my father a letter and labeling OCPD characteristics for him to see what he has but when I tell him he has OCPD he cusses at me and thinks I'm crazy and that he does not have a problem and bother other people around him. I truly believe the evil witch who has a plot against me and my brother is manipulating him so that he does off in a few years and gets everything he has and I must make him happy and make him realize the pain and suffering can go away. Any help or suggestions would be greatly appreciated and also to the point...if OCD and OCPD are not related then why do I and some members of my family have OCD and some like my dad OCPD? I appreciate it and look forward to hearing back from you guys....

-sasssss

[Stranga91]

any help????

[RiverX]

Hi Stranga,
When I first found this place I read and read sometimes late into the night. But now, I just dip in occasionally and read briefly. So when saw your post, to be honest I only read bits. It may be more likely to get responses here if you talk in smalller parcels.
I know how tempting it is to pour out your heart and soul, but when i did that, I found it left me too vulnerable.

I noticed you passionately want to get through to you father. Getting through to others is not simple or easy. The tried and tested path is to look at your self first and take the focus off the other, eg, what do you need? Can you see what feelings/ needs/ fears are behind your own behaviour?
It sounds like you are compassionate towards you father, and you can see and feel for him beneath that "outer shield protecting himself and in front of anyone..... "

If you have lonings and needs, is there a way you can get what you need for yourself in a more likely place?

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
This lady used her manipulative tricks to kick me out of the house and it truly scares me because while I am happy I am not living with him and everyone i know tells me to forget him and move on with my life...I feel obligated because if I do not make my dad realize things then I feel that he will die of a heart attack within 5 years (he is turning 50 in July). I have the power in so many ways to change things for him and as I said with myself....my OCD and ADHD conflict at work but thank god things have improved but is still a daily conflict I have with "busy work" as I spend too much time on them. For my father, I know that he does not have rituals and I am very sure he has OCPD and my psychiatrist said so himself privately to me after one visit. The problem with my dad is that he has an outer shield protecting himself and in front of anyone.....

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

These seem like important issues for you, and I really like your wording about the protective outer sheild!

Decide how you feel, for yourself, is a good way to live, and try your best to grow towards this belief.

See how that seems to you,

riverx

[crazybones]

ok first step to solution for evil witch SHOOT HER lmao i think parents suck but all young people think tht i guess my parents have nothing to offer in life and can rott in hell it seems like you want to be a part of ur dads life but tht ***** of a step mom is in the way ever see the movie PARENT TRAP with olsen twins yeah get rid of her ur dad may be stubborn but once u get in his head tht she is no good maybe it will be better

[nightbird]

ummm... you won't get anything into your Dad' head about his wife, not really.

What can you do?

I can think of one thing, maybe you can get a conversation with his physician and tell him/her you are concerned about your fathers' working long hours, stressing out, etc.

Other than that, it's not your business what he does with his money, although I'm sure your brother and you will be provided for

My experience with young people worrying about their parents hard earned money over their lifetime going to anyone but themselves bothers me. It's not good.

You get what someone wants you to have. No one is entitled to anyones' wealth.
It's a gift today. Not like old times where families died out without the passing on of wealth. Here, we can make our own wealth, if we want it so much. Professional choices abound.

Lots of people are worried about being able to provide for their elderly parents if and when they cannot care for themselves, to me, this is a valid concern.

While I know that some people cut their children out or use their wills to hurt family after they are gone, or deliberately to start family wars - like in the movies, yes, but it is rare, and the people that do these things are not basically good people, in my opinion.

Take care of yourself.
Worry about your own problems and things will sort itself out.

Tell Dad you hope his health is good, and when was his last check-up - since he is coming up on a mile marker b'day, you hope he is seeing his Dr. for routine exam.

peace,
nightbird <font color="#666666"> </font>

[Stranga91]

thx I will reply to this later after work. thanks!

[Stranga91]

I appreciate the thoughtful responses and any additional input would be appreciated. I know my original post was a little lengthy but it is very important for me as I am trying to have a dad...

I feel that if I do not help him realize things (our relationship has really improved) then he will be doomed and get a heart attack in a few years (he is turning 50 in July). Time flies....and I understand the poster's issue about the money issue but it really has nothing to do with that and has to do with me wanting my father to be happy and enjoy his life. I know he is living in misery right now and to get away from his outer protective shield is difficult.

Saying all that...he has been very nice lately and I am starting to feel there are some things different as he wants to have a relationship with my little brother and I. I have a very good heart and I myself have improved my OCD by 70-80% and feel very good about myself and my future. It is difficult to have someone who is 50 and Persian who has OCPD to be able to accept that they are not perfect and until they realize that the change is difficult. We will see what happens but any other input would be appreciated. Thanks!

[RiverX]

You seem to have a lot of love for your dad, and that is so lovely to see. I'm sure he feels it from you too, and your brother.

warm regards,

river

[Rapunzel]

The biggest difference between OCD and OCPD is that people with OCD are bothered by their symptoms, while those with OCPD are just like that, and don't tend to see any need to be different. OCPD usually bothers others around the person much more than the person who has it.

I understand that you are concerned about your dad. The thing is, you can't really change him. Personality disorders are hard to change when the person wants to change and has professional help. If the person is fine with it, there just isn't much you can do. Maybe you would do better to take a look at your own motivations and how you can cope with your dad as he is.