[Rhombus]

I hate this. I hate that I ruin all my relationships because people getting close scares me. I hate that I tell people I don't need them or I hate them when all I really want is for them to love me. I hate that I can't control my emotions, I hate that no one loves me.

It hurts so much, that the interpersonal relationships I would cut off my two legs for I will never have. I am the pyscho friend who wants you to tell her how important she is all the time. I am the psycho friend who pushes you away even though she really is crying to be held.

I want someone to see through all the defense mechanisms, through my hot-blooded anger, through the pushing and shoving and hateful words, that I'm really so hurt and I can't take this feeling of abandonment. I can't take it if one more person leaves me, I'm not 20, I'm a little girl who needs love.

I hate the emotional, angry, monster I am.

[pachyderm]

[nowheretorun]

(((Rhombus)))))

feeling alone can make us think and fear many things.. we can become trapped in our own minds and tell ourself things that no one but ourselves ever hears... we dont say them outloud so our friends and family nearby dont know exactly what we feel and sometimes when we try to say exactly what we feel, it doesnt come out exactly the way we want it to.. that part is always a hard thing to deal with...

we can do ourselves some simple favors to make this all easier but we are not always in a strong place and able to do the best thing for ourselves.. its still good to know what those good things are tho so we can practice them when we are able to...

be kind to yourself as much as you are able in your healing process.. avoid calling yourself names and bullying yourself.. you are growing, you are getting there... your efforts will pay off... give yourself all the best chances by believing you will have what you are working towards... all inner work has some reward... let the pain be indicators of the growth and reap the rewards of your work... the pain fades while the lesson remains

[Sannah]

Hi Rhombus, admitting and realizing all of this stuff is the first step. Complete self-understanding would be the next step I would think. Do you think that you can catch yourself doing these things and step back and problem solve from there? What did I just do? Why did I just do that? What am I feeling? Why am I feeling this way? Is there another way that I could handle this?.....