[roxyskater]

Hi Friends,

Its been harder lately dealing with my PTSD. See I found out that my brother, who molested me when I was 11, and very sick and hopefully dieing a very long painful illness of cancer. Sorry cant help it, thats how I feel about it....a part of me is evil. But ever since I found out, the flashbacks and memories have been much more frequent, especially at night. I can smell it, taste it, Im even gagging and choking I get that feeling like I cant get a breath when nothing is really preventing it except in my head. Im not sleeping well with these memories I guess thats to be expected. But I would like to get past the actual feelings and be numb to it be able to let it cross my mind and go away. I am trying to focus on his illness as like my revenge finally hoping that will help with the memories. He is finally getting his. I suppose I shouldnt be quite so satisfied.....

Sincerely,

Roxy

P.S. Let me know if you think I being to evil in my thoughts

[(JD)]

((((Roxy))) You surely are being triggered terribly, aren't you? I wonder if you would consider writing your brother and telling him how his molesting you has affected you all these years? You wouldn't have to go into great detail, even just writing, "What you did to me totally negatively changed my life." I wouldn't give anything that he could deny or rebuff, as that wouldn't help you.
You wouldn't even have to mail the letter; just writing it could be very cathartic. I think now might be a good time to push this, since you are already highly triggered, it will give validation to your thoughts and feelings with which you are currently suffering.
Also, since time is "short" or at least you sense a closure with his life's end, it will remove the angst that you may be experiencing in debating "should I" "shouldn't I" say something to him before he dies.
You'll have it written, and then you can decide whether to mail it or not.

Now, you are not evil. The thoughts you have towards him are human and normal. Having such thoughts doesn't make you evil.

[roxyskater]

Originally Posted by _Sky

((((Roxy))) You surely are being triggered terribly, aren't you? I wonder if you would consider writing your brother and telling him how his molesting you has affected you all these years? You wouldn't have to go into great detail, even just writing, "What you did to me totally negatively changed my life." I wouldn't give anything that he could deny or rebuff, as that wouldn't help you.
You wouldn't even have to mail the letter; just writing it could be very cathartic. I think now might be a good time to push this, since you are already highly triggered, it will give validation to your thoughts and feelings with which you are currently suffering.
Also, since time is "short" or at least you sense a closure with his life's end, it will remove the angst that you may be experiencing in debating "should I" "shouldn't I" say something to him before he dies.
You'll have it written, and then you can decide whether to mail it or not.

Now, you are not evil. The thoughts you have towards him are human and normal. Having such thoughts doesn't make you evil.

Dear Sky,

Thank you so much for the idea of writing him maybe I will do that just to let him know that his actions hurt and affected my whole life. That is was a very big thing to me no matter what it was to him.
I have been as you say very triggered ever since I found out. I plan to talk to my Therapist today about it so at least she knows whats going on in my head.
Thank you also for the hugs, they truely hold me together.

Sincerely,

Roxy

[phoenix7]

I hope you got to talk with your T and that it helped - the feelings you have are understandable - you are not evil - you are just hurt.