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Apr 09, 2009, 08:36 PM

I have finally brought myself to...

It's some detail, though I could go into more you know...
...
...

(JD) · Apr 09, 2009, 08:48 PM

Go slowly. Wait a few days and see how it "fits." Once it's out in the internet, once you speak it, you can never recover it.

Apr 09, 2009, 08:50 PM

I don't understand what you are saying

Sannah · Apr 10, 2009, 11:59 AM

So IRL you are talking more Kaika?

Apr 10, 2009, 08:31 PM

Yeah, a little bit. Not a lot though. It helped.

skeksi · Apr 11, 2009, 09:05 AM

Sharing is good, talking is good. You are doing great.

When I first began to talk and share about what was truly going on with me, what I was feeling and experiencing and remembering, I would freak out after sharing. Perhaps this is what Sky meant? I found that going slowly helped me feel more in control.

You are brave to talk about this stuff now, Kaika.

phoenix7 · Apr 11, 2009, 05:06 PM

Well done Kaika, take it at your own pace -take care

Perna · Apr 11, 2009, 05:17 PM

I agree with Sky, go slow with the more after you've digested what you've posted. If you go too fast you might delete it from your posting but the "idea" that you've told too much/others have read it, might hurt you. Some people tell all, get too little or a response they don't expect/can't handle either from others or themselves and it's too late to "undo" what has been done.

Apr 11, 2009, 07:29 PM

Don't worry, I'm not going too fast.
I just wish I knew why I feel the way I do.
Because right now it's like trying to jam a puzzle piece into the wrong spot on the board. Too many pieces are missing, nothing fits, and when all is said and done I don't know what picture I'm going to make.

thelionkinglives · Apr 13, 2009, 12:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kaika

Don't worry, I'm not going too fast.
I just wish I knew why I feel the way I do.
Because right now it's like trying to jam a puzzle piece into the wrong spot on the board. Too many pieces are missing, nothing fits, and when all is said and done I don't know what picture I'm going to make.

Awesome work...keep at it. I notice that I usually intend to go slow....then it just kicks the door down & feel uncomfortable about it later...
congrats

Apr 13, 2009, 12:25 AM

I wish I could go faster to be honest

It's not often that there is something that I don't know about myself, so right now this process is very frustrating. (Well, it doesn't help that I'm at least half denying myself to begin with and on some level it must be scary)

and you know, if something did come up in actual memory and not just feelings and I said anything to anyone I know they wouldn't believe me...except maybe some of my friends. Everyone else would think that I'm making these things up for attention. (This is what I myself believe a lot of the time... but then I remind myself that I'm not)

thelionkinglives · Apr 13, 2009, 12:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kaika

I wish I could go faster to be honest

It's not often that there is something that I don't know about myself, so right now this process is very frustrating. (Well, it doesn't help that I'm at least half denying myself to begin with and on some level it must be scary)

and you know, if something did come up in actual memory and not just feelings and I said anything to anyone I know they wouldn't believe me...except maybe some of my friends. Everyone else would think that I'm making these things up for attention. (This is what I myself believe a lot of the time... but then I remind myself that I'm not)

For myself the memory that I blocked out the most believe it or not was being molested by a male baby sitter when I was 7.

Honestly with alot of crap I've experienced this was tame but this was the one my mind blocked out for years....the mind is an odd thing sometimes...

you'll get there, be patient with yourself.

Fuzzybear · Apr 13, 2009, 01:00 AM

Sannah · Apr 13, 2009, 11:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kaika

I just wish I knew why I feel the way I do.
Because right now it's like trying to jam a puzzle piece into the wrong spot on the board. Too many pieces are missing, nothing fits, and when all is said and done I don't know what picture I'm going to make.

Being able to discuss will really help you figure things out. You can PM me if you want. I don't betray people. You can ask around about me if you like.

Calm · Apr 13, 2009, 01:27 PM

Kaika, wish I could help.

Apr 13, 2009, 09:02 PM

I don't even know where to begin with discussion, because I don't know the beginning. The only thing I know... are these feelings. I was in a good mood earlier and thought "Well, I'll just move on with my life right now and it'll come eventually." but right now specifically (new blog entry) I'm in a very...aggressive mood. I want to beat the answers out of my head even though I know it doesn't work that way. I appreciate all of your kindness you guys in understanding...you seem to be more accepting then even I am

Sannah · Apr 14, 2009, 12:41 PM

When you feel aggressive it might be anger??????

Apr 14, 2009, 01:49 PM

It wouldn't surprise me you know.

The whole thing that got me into that really bad mood was hearing some awful news (I already posted the story in general) I was really angry about what happened, this sort of thing (being mad and aggressive to begin with) just compounds my own frustration with my self multiple times over. Last night, as I was getting those feelings again, I focused really hard on what I was feeling. Not letting myself be distracted, just focusing really hard on what I feel physicaly at the exact moment. I just kept asking myself "why do you feel this way?" over and over and over again while I kept my focus. Came up with some new feelings. But...I'm not going to post about them just yet. I'm sure you guys understand.

phoenix7 · Apr 14, 2009, 05:43 PM

you are doing some really good work there Kaika -

my T told me anger comes from hidden pain

Apr 14, 2009, 11:09 PM

Thank you phoenix

Sannah · Apr 15, 2009, 12:50 PM

Good Work Kaika!

Apr 22, 2009, 07:47 PM

Hating this

fighting with myself
You'd think I'd be used to it by now
(fighting with myself)
but that isn't the case

More or less I'm tired of bouncing back and forth. There seems to be no other logical explanation for the way I feel and my feelings really can't be denied, but I'm still unable to accept the answer I'm presented with. I would like a professional's opinion... but I don't see that happening any time soon either.

phoenix7 · Apr 23, 2009, 12:27 AM

Whatever it is you are fighting with yourself about can you write it down and then answer it as if you were talking to your best friend? may give you a better perspective on the problem

Apr 23, 2009, 06:43 AM

((((Kaika)))))))))))))))))))) believe in you
when the memories come back , which they will in time.
take care of you and remember you matter
and take your time

Sannah · Apr 23, 2009, 07:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kaika

There seems to be no other logical explanation for the way I feel and my feelings really can't be denied, but I'm still unable to accept the answer I'm presented with. I would like a professional's opinion... but I don't see that happening any time soon either.

I forgot why you can't seek therapy?

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