[mrsdork]

My husband was listening to me talk about some painful things from my past, and jumped into the conversation with 'the people who hurt you don't think about you. They won't come see you, call you, or even waste time thinking about you.' I couldn't believe he said that! He said he was trying to make me feel safe! I say he was trying to hurt me by rubbing the obvious in. I am so upset right now! He was supposed to be the one who didn't abuse me, now this crap! Thanks for letting me vent!

[Sad In TX]

I'm really sorry about that. Did you tell him that you were just releasing things that bother you?
What he said was incredibly insensitive, and he needs to know that you are hurt. What he said didn't make you feel safe and he needs to know that.

What he needs to understand is that you were just venting, and that a simple solution isn't the answer. While he was trying to make you feel better, he made you feel worse by oversimplifying your feelings. Yeah, those people may not think about what they've done or said, but YOU do and it hurts you still and it's OK to feel that way. It's not like you are looking for anything but to be heard, and I can understand that you feel completely discounted by what he said.

A hug would make you feel more safe than saying something so tactless. I hope you guys discuss this and get through it. And I hope you feel better.

[mrsdork]

Thank you! You made me feel so much better about it!

[Sannah]

Men and woman approach these things differently. When men have a problem they either want to minimize it or solve it immediately. This is what helps them to feel better. Woman want to vent. He most likely thought his response was helpful because it was what he would have wanted. My husband used to do the same thing until I explained this to him and asked if he could just let me vent instead.

[AdamAW]

This is just the type of situation John Gray discusses in his self-help book 'Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars'. Women express their fears and insecurities because they want to be listened to and to know that others care about them, but men misinterpret this and think try to provide them with answers.

This is a classic communication breakdown between women and men, and probably takes place between millions of couples throughout the world every day.

Your husband means well but just doesn't know any better. Perhaps the book would help you both. I read parts of it a few years back and thought that it contained some pretty good insights and advice.



My husband was listening to me talk about some painful things from my past, and jumped into the conversation with 'the people who hurt you don't think about you. They won't come see you, call you, or even waste time thinking about you.' I couldn't believe he said that! He said he was trying to make me feel safe! I say he was trying to hurt me by rubbing the obvious in. I am so upset right now! He was supposed to be the one who didn't abuse me, now this crap! Thanks for letting me vent![/quote]

[Foomph]

I agree with Adam ^

I think he was really trying to make you feel better but didn't realize that saying what he did would make you feel worse. I don't think he was trying to make you feel bad on purpose (but i don't know your hubby or your relationship, so if he tends to be abusive, then it may be a different story).

I can see myself saying something similar to myself, actually, during periods of low self esteem, but hearing it come from someone else would hurt me. I think your feelings are justified but you have to communicate to him that saying things like that don't help.

[phoenix7]

yep I dont think he meant any harm I think it was the I have to fix it thing men seem to have - let him know what you needed - and he can do better next time - you are triggery - I hear that! - thats hard for people to deal with - geez its sooo hard for US to deal wth let alone anyone else

have a chat and see if you can sort it out - he is prob very confused thinking he did the right thing .... you need to let him know what you really needed - think i said that .... hmm sorry hit my head a couple of days ago so may not be making much sense - concussion speaking again!

take care of you ok - vent if you need to - we are here to listen -

[Pomegranate]

OUCH!!! That would have hurt me too. And I would have had the same thought you did about his motive. I think many men are from an entire different galaxy, not Mars.

[mrsdork]

You are ALL right about this! We talked into the night and worked through it. He said he was just so frustrated seeing me go through so much pain, and he couldn't do anything to stop it. He now knows to just LISTEN! LOL! It made me feel so much better having you all to talk to about this. You keep me level. God Bless and thanks so much!

[phoenix7]

I am so glad you worked things out