What do I do with all this ANGER!?

I have been very abused in my past, and I was starting to feel like I had been making progress, when something happened today that made me doubt that I'll EVER be 'normal'. I went to Walmart, and the door greeter asked to see my bag. I told her it wasn't a return and that it had a Target tag, but she came running after me and grabbed it! Mind you, this was coming INTO the store, not leaving! She took it over to her stand, and dug through the bag. She took her sweet time about it, then tied it into a tight knot! Of course she put the damn Walmart sticker on the bag. I was having a hard time opening the knot, and asked her why she tied it in a knot, when it was not that way to begin with. I said I need to match colors, (it was a small bath rug, brand new with Target tags!) how was I supposed to do that if I couldn't even get the bag open! She said 'you didn't say you were gonna match colors', and I said 'you didn't ask!'[ There was more back and forth, and I finally walked away, into the store, and called her a ***** as I walked away. I was so irritated! Why else would I bring it INTO the store, duh! Anyway, I looked around the store for about 15 minutes, then started to leave. I took the sticker off of the bag, and took the rug completely out of the bag as I left, so we wouldn't go throught the same crap again. I put the sticker on the top of her stand, while she was talking to someone else, and the ***** ripped the sticker off of the stand and slammed it onto my shirt on my upper arm! Holy crap! Touching me is OFF LIMITS! I ripped it back off and shoved her head really hard from behind as I slammed it on the back of her head. She started to come after me, then realized I guess, that she'd lose her job, and stopped. She said 'Oh you *****, you're so lucky I'm at work', and I turned around, smiled, and laughed in her face! Then I walked out. Now, I realize that this was outrageous behavior on both our parts, but all I can think about now, is how bad I want to beat her f*ing head in. I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of letting her know she got to me, hence the smile and laugh. That's a direct copy of my former response to being beat. It was the only power I had. Believe it or not, I run into people like this ALL the time! How in the hell am I supposed to go on with my life and be mellow, when these assholes keep messing with me? I wasn't looking for trouble, as ALWAYS, it found me. I am so furious, I am shaking and can't let it go. Help!

What do 'normal' people do when this kind of stuff happens to them? I have a hard time beliving they don't get angry or upset. Just wondering.

If it happened to me, I'd probably decide to never go into Wal-Mart again. But I already don't go there because that place gets me very anxious. Too big, too many people, and I can't stand feeling like I'm always in somebody's way, and I always feel like that in there. And I have problems with the way they do things too. They don't treat their employees well at all, and the greeters least of all. And they are doing all they can to promote global poverty. Ok, but those are my opinions.

I think it could help to take a step back and try to understand why this person is doing what she does. Greeters at Wal-Mart probably don't get good training in how to really effectively deal with customers. Mostly they are supposed to smile and hand you a cart, and maybe hand out stickers. It's a misunderstanding of the concept that people are more likely to buy something if a store employee approaches and talks to them. But it doesn't work the way Wal-Mart tries to do it, where it doesn't mean anything and is just generally irritating a lot of the time. That job has been selected in surveys as the worst possible job you can get. It's thankless, and they pay diddly squat, and don't give them real authority to actually do much of anything. Ok, so I have some empathy for Wal-Mart greeters. If they are there, then they probably had some trouble getting any other job. They are bound to following stupid instructions, and not encouraged to think for themselves. So they pretty much have to stick those stickers on things and not question it. I bet they have long days on their feet, and I bet that lots of people are irritated with them.

Anyway, you can probably add to this. My suggestion is to try to take a step back and see things from their perspective. The more empathy you can develop for them, the smaller your anger will get. And if you still have a problem with the person, see if talking to the manager helps to resolve it. The policies at some stores can be idiotic. It's not the employees' fault.

So, it was okay for her to smack me in the arm? Oh poor her. Why are you on a ptsd website? Do you even know what the acronym stands for?

whoa there mrsdork - take a deep breath - a few deep breaths -

first I dont think Rapunzel was in any way saying that this persons actions were right - she was trying to give you some insight into the other side of the argument so lets all be supportive of each other ok

PTSD is a pain in the proverbial and I found that the lack of sleeping - irritablility - flashbacks and the whole rest of the stuff that joyusly goes there with it made me much more likely to flare up if someone did somthing wrong - and NO DOUBT ABOUT IT - she did do sometthing wrong - maybe hse was tired and had been abused by customers that day or management - maybe she was just a little hitler - but it was NOT acceptable behaviour and as you said neither was yours when you pushed the sticker on her head

Its difficult to take a step back when you are angry - so what I do is I try to keep a calm voice and put my point of view - if that doesnt work then I walk away if possible and seperate myself fromthe person who is annoying me - I find big shops triggery too

take care ok and look after yourself - PTSD is a pain but in time hard work (yuk!) and some pain (unfortuantely) it does get better

I walked into Walmart with a return and walked right past the greeter. She is running after me and when she caught up to me she looked at me like "What an idiot you are. Don't you know what you are supposed to do with a return!" What she did/does has nothing to do with me. I didn't like it but I can't be dragged into other people's dramas. I have before though. I had an incident with a tow truck driver. His attitude triggered me and I came back with my own attitude. My husband told me "Get in the car, I'll handle this". He had already learned this lesson about not getting dragged into other people's dramas. I am able to practice it now.

I understand why this would make you mad. I guess they have a policy of treating people like criminals. Good policy, huh? (Not!) She definitely needs some more training! She was wayyyyyyyyyyyyyy out of line for putting that sticker on you. Do you want to file a complaint?

Ok, I apologize for trying to help. Is that what you want? You asked for ideas on managing your anger. I tried to share one. Did you mean to ask for people to feed your anger by telling you it was all her fault and she is probably evil and out to get you and you are blameless because you have PTSD?

Do you feel better when you go on the attack and make the situation worse? If it's working for you, okay. I'm willing to bet that it isn't.

What if you found out that the greeter has PTSD too? Then is the way that she acted okay? Would you no longer be angry?

Yes, PTSD changes your thresholds for feeling like you are under attack or being threatened. You probably do get angry more easily than you would have before experiencing trauma. You still have a choice regarding how you respond and how you think about the world and other people. PTSD robs you of perceived power and control. But you can take it back if you choose to. At least power and control over your own thoughts, feelings, and actions.

Hi,
yes there are probably better ways to have handled this, but what's done, is done. The fact is that this Walmart employee was extremely out of line and should be fired for her behavior. This wasn't a return, so it was none of the greeters business to grab the bag from Mrsdorks arm and then look through it - this was her personal property. If she was leaving the store and someone thought she shop lifted, then they have the right to look in her bag. This employee also was the first to touch Mrsdork which would make anyone furious. No I don't want to add fuel to the fire, but I do understand why you got mad. But I also would have complained to the manager about her. I hope you feel better.

Way to go Mrs. Dork. Bite the helping hand.

A few points

Why did the door greeter have to come running after you?
Why didn't you tell her at the start that you brought the rug in to do a color match?
You didn't you even mention it until she tied your bag in a knot.

Then there was more back and forth and you called her a name as you walked away.
“Why else would I bring it INTO the store, duh!”. Uh... shoplifting 101. It's their job to watch out for that kind of thing.

So then you decide to leave, and rather than just leaving, you take the rug out of the bag, pull the sticker off the bag and stick it to the top of her stand. Any commentary go with that?
So she slammed the sticker onto your shirt? Did she knock you off balance with the blow?
So you pushed her head really hard from behind. Apparently you don't have any problems touching other people.
Then when she stopped, you turned around and taunted her.

Then you come on the forum and smack the greeter right across the face. She doesn't deserve that crap, and if you truly do want learn to be mellow your going to have to learn how to apologize and you should start by apologizing to Rapunzel. There is a reason they call her a “Wise” Elder. Not that you took the time to notice.

About the store
The mellow person that you “say that you want to be” would have walked up to the greeter and past a little smile, “which more than likely would have received a return smile” and made them aware of your intentions and there would have been no problem, “Been There Done That”

My grandfather was a raging alcoholic, my father “unlike most of his siblings” said: I don't want that life for me and I don't want it for my family. “He broke the cycle”.

Hey I know anger issues too. Normally I'm Ms Mellow and can walk away then take it out at home with a sledge hammer on some firewood. However there have been times .... 1. If I feel trapped 2. If I'm defending someone else and 3. If the other person won't let the subject drop. Once you loose control nothing works, so I try to keep in control.

In cases like the one you mentioned I usually go into what my kids dubbed as "sarge mode". Its usually very effective with business people. I use an assertive voice and demand to speak with a supervisor. 21 yrs in the army may have left me with PTSD but it also helped teach me how to use my voice effectively.

I do not agree with the tone that this discussion has taken. It is not helpful. It is one more example of people being triggered and taking it out on other people.

This isn't a story about Walmart, but it shares some similarities with mrsdork's situation...

Several years ago, an employer I had became annoyed with me when I couldn't remember the exact steps required to complete a process. She had briefly trained me on the process several months earlier when I'd been hired but I'd not had to use that procedure since that time. What I needed was just a brief refresher but rather than provide that, she rapped me (hard) on my head with her knuckles and said, "Think!"

When I later shared the story with my sister, she responded by saying, "I would have punched her in the gut and said -- Breathe!"

ha ha! My sister's response really cracked me up, which was good because a bit of humor lightened the situation while also allowing me to feel she had "heard" the injustice that took place. My employer was certainly out of line: it's not acceptable business practice to go around striking your employees when they ask for help. I appreciated my sister's ability to recognize that while also making me laugh.

pachyderm: I do not agree with the tone that this discussion has taken. It is not helpful. It is one more example of people being triggered and taking it out on other people.

Sometimes we just want to be heard and to have our experience validated. We don't want ideas, we don't want suggestions. But we might not always present that information clearly.

mrsdork, it sounds like what you most needed was to be heard and validated. In reviewing the thread, I think that validation is there. But I also think others were confused because you'd asked for suggestions on how to cope with the anger you were feeling. It seems as if other people responding in kind served as a kind of re-triggering process for you -- in spite of asking for it, you weren't in a space where you could receive because you first had to get the anger out.

I agree with yourself and the others who can see that the Walmart greeter's actions were very unprofessional and inappropriate. I can also see why her response to you would be interpreted as a form of personal violation -- she's in your face, she's accusatory in her actions, she reaches out and touches you. Triggery stuff? Hell, yeah! I know another woman who'd punch someone in the throat for something like that. I suppose it met her needs at that time to re-establish boundaries and keep others from transgressing them, even as we might all agree it's not the most ideal response.

However I also agree with the suggestions of others that when we are angry, when we are triggered, a very good skill to develop is that of stepping back and as my sister humorously suggested -- finding the space to breathe. It reasserts those boundary lines and also gives us an opportunity to find our center once more so we don't feel small, powerless or out-of-control. This is one of the difficult aspects to deal with as well -- how we feel when we are triggered. Ideally, we want to be able to maintain our own self-control because it is the only thing we really can control.

Part of restoring that sense of self-control is learning how to identify what we actually need and being able to express that. Maybe, mrsdork, you knew what you needed but you felt you had to pair it with some degree of social compliancy, i.e., there may have been some thought process in your head that said, "I have to be open to suggestions from others even though all I really want to do is to dump and vent and get that out of my system first. Until that's gone, I won't be able to listen to suggestions or draw lines of responsibility." This is something we learn in the recovery process too: how to recognize our own needs and present them to be met while also recognizing the needs of the other and respecting those. It's a fine line sometimes.

Overall, I know you said that you'd be unregistering but I'd like to suggest that you use this time to step away, breathe, find your center, and then come back if you feel comfortable doing so. Everyday situations that can trigger us is part of the process; so too, is learning how to deal with them in a way that leaves us with our dignity intact and ideally, the other person's too.

~ Namaste