Not rehashing!!!

Well, I have always wondered at the therapeutic benefits of speaking of my childhood......I have never even discussed it in therapy.......I have flatly refused......

I don't remember it anyway and I am not about to start.......but I am building up my comfort levels to speak of a dream.......a recurring nightmare that went for 2 years after I finished therapy the first time. that is all I associate with my childhood.

I also have Borderline Personality Disorder........I have denied the PTSD dx, not because I have a problem with it, but felt I had enough to deal with.

I am 35, as hyper-vigilant as I ever was.......angry, suspicious, nervous, territorial. I am much more peaceful about who I am and have forgiven so that I may absolve.......

But very occassionally........I ask what really happened?

JME but talking about our childhoods in safe therapeutic enviromnent can be very hard but very healling as well. I refused to accept my CPTSD Dx for a long time, because I kept saying to myself "Come on it wasn't THAT bad." From talking to friends and my T I've come to realize that a lot of what happenned to me in childhood was dysfunctional and bad and most importantly not my fault. But it shaped my core beliefs and how I interact with people now, to continue to protect myself, when I couldn't as a child.

To me it's not rehashing - it's making connections between what happened and what I believe now, and how that impacts my behaviour. For example, I was pretty much abandoned after my Mom died by the adults around me.. I interpreted that to mean I wasn't worth caring about, and that I wasn't lovable. That turned into a stronger belief that I hated myself because I wasn't loveable. So I built up emotional walls and wouldn't let anyone get close to me, because if they found out who I really was they wouldn't like me and wouldn't want to be friends. So I became lonely and isolated. My T helped me see the distortion in my thinking. And now I'm slowly letting people into my life emotionally and letting them get to know the real me. And guess what they don't hate me. They actually like me. This is forcing me to change my core belief from I hate myself, to I might actually be likeable (Yeah, big progress I know.)

I've done a lot of work with EMDR and that's been really helpful.

I took have a lot of gaps in my memory about my childhood - it's called dissociation. It's been my experience that the memories come back when we're emotionally strong enough to deal with them.

Take care.

--splitimage

Thanks splitimage for replying.......if I sounded harsh in my post I apologise.......automatically.......rage in speaking of it.......my first T spent 7 years trying to get it out of me.......I used to storm out, throw things, get removed by nurses.......gosh, what she put up with. Childhood equals rage.......instinctively.

I have grown much since then......my T was an angel and helped me in other ways.......I also wonder if it was THAT bad, surely if it as THAT bad, I would remember it

I am a hypocrite.......the truth will only be free when my parents pass on......so in seeking for the truth I have denied the biggest truth of all.

Thank you for your words.......it has resonated with me and gotten me thinking.......have a good one, babe

Michah

Michah,

I am now 46 and for some reason everything I had stuffed down about my childhood started to come to the surface about a year prior to her death...I hear you when you say "if was that bad then I would remember"...but that isn't always true.

The human brain is an awesome thing and when you are a child with no one to protect you, I think sometimes the brain "hides" those memories until you are more able to deal with them...That is just my take on it...

Although in my experience....it has been very, very hard to find out that everything I believed for all of these years was just simply not true...That leaves you feeling like..well..I just don't know who I am....

Hugs to you Michah....It will come when you are ready for it to come.

Thanks babe........big hugs back to you......I wonder where my past is hiding? I don't think much of it......I have added to the trauma by my own actions.......due to lack of self-worth......perpetual motion......

It has come up because I am writing a book......my truth must be censored due to inaccurate history, incomplete memories and parents that still live and shall read my story.......My father knows but my mother denies......she is the perpetrator. In forgiving her, I feel that I am betraying by being honest, for the truth of the past is ugly......it would be good if we were all on the same page.

Any writer will say that a good story is a true story.......in that, the truth reigns, even in fiction. People need to believe they are not having the wool pulled over their eyes. Getting to my truth is like pulling teeth.......and trying to write it is even harder.......for I do not remember. I have 2 memories now.....better than when I started therapy, I guess. But they are not fluid, they are snapshots in time.......it is the FEELING of that snapshot that bends me.

I shall work it out.......I have also heard an author say, " You cannot write of the pain when you are in the pain". Very true. It needs to be subjective for a wider audience....

I am getting there......thanks for your input sweets......

((((((((((((((( Michah )))))))))))))))