[googley]

I don't know that I can deal with this. It seems like it is going to be a major topic in T for a while. I barley talked about it and started having flash-backs. No one's ever been there for me. I don't know. I feel awful. But at the same time I don't feel like I deserve to still be bothered by it. I feel like I should just be over it. I don't know how I can ever get through it all and how it has twined itself through every aspect of my life. When will I ever be free of it?

I've never really had time, even with all my T, to really talk about what happened, but it is so hard. I feel like it was a scab that was getting poked at and ripped off. I feel vulnerable and scared. It makes me feel exposed. I hate trusting other people.

I know that I need to deal with this but it is so scary. I just want to hid under my blankets and not have to come out.

[Catherine2]

Originally Posted by googley

I don't know that I can deal with this. It seems like it is going to be a major topic in T for a while. I barley talked about it and started having flash-backs. No one's ever been there for me. I don't know. I feel awful. But at the same time I don't feel like I deserve to still be bothered by it. I feel like I should just be over it. I don't know how I can ever get through it all and how it has twined itself through every aspect of my life. When will I ever be free of it?

I've never really had time, even with all my T, to really talk about what happened, but it is so hard. I feel like it was a scab that was getting poked at and ripped off. I feel vulnerable and scared. It makes me feel exposed. I hate trusting other people.

I know that I need to deal with this but it is so scary. I just want to hid under my blankets and not have to come out.

It's hard and scary to do, googley, and that is the absolute truth.
It also means you are working towards feeling safe and strong...well worth every tear you may shed, every fear you battle...and, yes, there will be times of victory and defeat. At some point your times of victory will outnumber the times when you feel defeated.

googley, please try to remember that this is not a race. Stay in the moment and handle just that moment. Slow? Maybe. But if that is the way that is best for you then honor it.

My own experience was it felt like a pustule and there was nasty stuff that needed draining...as it trained the scab started to grow over over, the scab came off, the scar formed then faded.
It became part of who I was and not my identity...perhaps the same will be true of you.

It really does get better...we begin to see the affect on us and can begin to change it so we feel empowered and not helpless.
Time is another four letter word...sometimes that four letter word unleashed other four letter words...I wanted to Be All Right and I Wanted It Right Now. Right Now
Skip all the work in between the start and the healing. I would have given all my gold if I had any so I didn't have to do it so slowly.

You have already shown a great deal of courage, googley. The power within you may not feel available to you right now, but it is there.

In Peace

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((((( googley )))))))))))))))))

[googley]

How bad is it that I don't remember posting this original post in the first place? Even posts that I have posted a while ago I will tend to remember vaguely, but this one, no. When Berries brought it up to the top again with her post I saw it and read it but didn't recognize it. I recognized the feelings but not the post.

[VickiesPath]

Googley, I am so proud of you. When I started to read your post, I saw another Googley. It was you.

Go slow. I have fallen into this place, too. It was an accident. But now that I'm here, I know it's the place I'm supposed to be. There was a trauma a long time ago and I'm only now learning what it meant. What it did. What it means.

I tried to go too fast and my PTSD flaired up. That's a four letter word, too, you know. But by recognizing it and then paying attention, I learned some important things.

Hang in there and take it slowly. We are here.

[googley]

Vicky,
Thank you for your post, could you explain a little more about "seeing another Googley"? I'm not quite sure what you mean, but I want to know. Maybe I'm just being dense right now.

Thanks.

[VickiesPath]

Originally Posted by googley

I don't know that I can deal with this. It seems like it is going to be a major topic in T for a while. I barley talked about it and started having flash-backs. No one's ever been there for me. I don't know. I feel awful. But at the same time I don't feel like I deserve to still be bothered by it. I feel like I should just be over it. I don't know how I can ever get through it all and how it has twined itself through every aspect of my life. When will I ever be free of it?

I've never really had time, even with all my T, to really talk about what happened, but it is so hard. I feel like it was a scab that was getting poked at and ripped off. I feel vulnerable and scared. It makes me feel exposed. I hate trusting other people.

I know that I need to deal with this but it is so scary. I just want to hid under my blankets and not have to come out.

I don't know if I am reading this wrong but I will try to explain what I meant.

I barley talked about it and started having flash-backs. This indicated to me that this was a new subject you were exploring with your T and it was painful and sensitive.

I feel awful. But at the same time I don't feel like I deserve to still be bothered by it. You've decided that, once and for all, enough is enough and you are sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I've never really had time, even with all my T, to really talk about what happened, but it is so hard. This further indicates that you are daring to get down to something that is painful and significant but being brave enough to deal with it no matter how difficult it is.

I feel like it was a scab that was getting poked at and ripped off. I feel vulnerable and scared. It makes me feel exposed. I hate trusting other people.

I know that I need to deal with this but it is so scary. I just want to hid under my blankets and not have to come out. You did an outstanding job of expressing your intense discomfort but also your unmistakable maturity in dealing with this intense pain of growing beyond that which is keeping you prisoner.

Maybe this is the amazing courage and tenacity that is Googley and those who know you better than I are not surprised at all. So be it.

I do, however, recall a lonely spirit who cried out about what to do with frozen eggs. You've come a long way, Googley.

[phoenix7]

(((((((((((((((((((((googley))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

forgetting you have posted is ok 0 it just means you disassociated a bit or drifted as I like to call it

I think it is wonderful that you posted - you reached out and shared wiht us and let us sit with you - and that is very brave.

take care

P7

[WePow]

safe hugs to you.... Yes, going through the trauma work stinks.... And the flashbacks stink... and those who are abusers stink.... But the fact that you are going through the work in order to heal yourself shows that you are on the right path! GOOD FOR YOU!!!