[Elysium]

Two years ago this last August, I was hospitalized for 3 days for major depression/CPTSD and an overdose.

I was on a hold and not allowed any of my belongings. I couldn't come and go when I pleased....I couldn't go outside...I couldn't get away from the screaming and kicking people getting strapped down by the staff....

I felt so embarrassed to be there.... A nurse, in a psych unit, on a hold, with other (working) nurses staring at me from the other side of the desk. I felt judged. I felt pitiful. I felt lost and misunderstood. I felt stigmatized.

I don't remember much about my stay. Just brief flashes of memories in my mind. My biggest memory I have from that experience was from when I was in the ER...dressed in paper green scrubs sitting in a room with a bed that already had restraints strapped to it.....ready and waiting. I refused to sit on the bed because of it. I didn't want them to strap me down.

I remember when they stepped out of the room and my mother went out to the waiting room to give my family an update...I remember taking the break off the bed and moving the bed to block the door and provide a barrier to keep people out. I then pulled all the covers off the bed and went and crouched in the back corner of the room buried under the covers...sobbing.

It's weird...when I remember all this...it is all like I am seeing it as a movie. I am watching me do all these things...like I'm outside of my body. I guess that's the dissociation?

So why is this coming up now?

My new nursing contract...it's at this same hospital. I haven't been back there since....and they have a special elevator that goes up to the psych floor....and I have to get in it and take it each day I work.

I can't help but think about it. I want to be hired on by this company, and I want to enjoy my experience working with them....but I am dreading everyday, going to work, standing in that elevator and remembering so clearly...yet so far away...the memories of one of the worst experiences in my life.

Sorry...just needed to get that out.

[VickiesPath]

((((((((((( Elysium )))))))))))))

Your experience gives you a special look into the mind of a person who goes through what you went through. You are gifted in that regard. You are blessed. You are chosen. You are a survivor.

You experienced the full range of emotions. The pain. The humililation. The loneliness. The feeling of being judged. It was only by the grace of God that any one of those nurses and orderlies that cared for you were not in your place. Each and every one of them knew that.

You are strong. It will be hard at first but after a while, the associations will fade. I recently went to the ward where I spent 15 days---15 horrible days----last spring. It wasn't as scarey as I remembered it.

Thank you for your post. It was very brave of you to share it.

[susan888]

((((Elysium))))

I admire your courage!! My daughter had an experience with a psych hospital stay when she was only 15....It was so scary for both of us. She has a incurable bladder disease (learned how to cath herself at 14), but recently has expressed an interest in trying to get back in college (was in nursing school but her disease caused her to drop out after 1 year). She wants to be a psych nurse!!

Bless you for the good you are doing in this world! It means so much more that you have been on the other end! You are very, very brave!

[reg12]

I am sorry to hear you are having a hard time. Why is it coming up now? Because it was one of the worst experience of your life. Sometimes we tuck things away in a neat little package on a back shelf, thinking they are handled. Then we find out later that all we did was ignore them and just hid them from our sight.

I have found for me the only way to overcome these things is that I must face them and get the control back. If I do not then it controls me. Maybe you can start by taking control of that elevator. You push the buttons. You decide where it goes. Own it when you get on it. When you get your control back, you will find it to be just an plain elevator. Once you get your elevator back, then try something else. Keep your goals as small as possible. Take care and let us know how you are doing.

Originally Posted by Elysium3006

Two years ago this last August, I was hospitalized for 3 days for major depression/CPTSD and an overdose.

I was on a hold and not allowed any of my belongings. I couldn't come and go when I pleased....I couldn't go outside...I couldn't get away from the screaming and kicking people getting strapped down by the staff....

I felt so embarrassed to be there.... A nurse, in a psych unit, on a hold, with other (working) nurses staring at me from the other side of the desk. I felt judged. I felt pitiful. I felt lost and misunderstood. I felt stigmatized.

I don't remember much about my stay. Just brief flashes of memories in my mind. My biggest memory I have from that experience was from when I was in the ER...dressed in paper green scrubs sitting in a room with a bed that already had restraints strapped to it.....ready and waiting. I refused to sit on the bed because of it. I didn't want them to strap me down.

I remember when they stepped out of the room and my mother went out to the waiting room to give my family an update...I remember taking the break off the bed and moving the bed to block the door and provide a barrier to keep people out. I then pulled all the covers off the bed and went and crouched in the back corner of the room buried under the covers...sobbing.

It's weird...when I remember all this...it is all like I am seeing it as a movie. I am watching me do all these things...like I'm outside of my body. I guess that's the dissociation?

So why is this coming up now?

My new nursing contract...it's at this same hospital. I haven't been back there since....and they have a special elevator that goes up to the psych floor....and I have to get in it and take it each day I work.

I can't help but think about it. I want to be hired on by this company, and I want to enjoy my experience working with them....but I am dreading everyday, going to work, standing in that elevator and remembering so clearly...yet so far away...the memories of one of the worst experiences in my life.

Sorry...just needed to get that out.

[Yoda]

((((Elysium))))

[phoenix7]

((((((((((((((((((((elysium))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((( Elysium ))))))))))))))))

[Sannah]

Are you embarrassed Elysium?

[Miracle1986]

(((((Elysium)))))

[Elysium]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Are you embarrassed Elysium?

Yes and no. I think it is more shame than embarrassment. But I also think I am quite angry about it. Nurses are supposed to be compassionate and caring in their craft. The nurses that I encountered during my hospitalization were condescending, cold, they looked at me funny and I could tell they were talking about me behind the desk. I could see them as they'd glance at me and then look away quickly when I made eye contact.

I felt betrayed...almost as if I had abandoned them for the dark side and that they were now somehow better than me just because they were on the opposite side of the safety glass.

They had this "Us versus Them" mentallity that is rampant throughout too many inpatient units. They don't realize that the only real difference between being a patient and a staff member is a plastic name badge. They hide behind the stigma. It is very black and white. You are either one of them, or you are not. There was no in between.

So embarassed, yes, because I felt that I wasn't a strong enough person to handle my crap. But the shame was worse...and the condemnation I felt from the staff was almost as bad as the condemnation I felt from my abusers.

As far as being embarrassed to take the elevator or be back at the same hospital...not really. Everybody has issues and that's what hospitals are supposed to be for.

[susan888]

That is what makes you a wonderful nurse. Those nurses that judged you....those nurses that judged my daughter..well..they have never experienced what their patients have. My daughter has only had the one psych stay but it made such a bad impression because of how she was treated. She has had so many inpatient hospital stays and ER visits with her disease. Every time we encounter someone that simply should NOT be a nurse we talk about when she gets better and what a good nurse she will be.

You are a compassionate, non-judgemental person and in my opinion.....If I ever get sick I would be blessed to have you taking care of me!

[Sannah]

What you explained about the "us vs. them" makes a lot of sense. That would feel terrible. Are you angry? Their condemnation triggered up the abuser's condemnation? This would also feel terrible. Is this lack of compassion common in psych units? I am really sorry that you had to experience that.

This made me cry Reg, but I really needed it. Thanks...It reminded me of the things I need to take control of in my own life. Sometimes if we just step outside the box and listen to somebody else say it, it is enough to push us ahead.

Originally Posted by reg12

I am sorry to hear you are having a hard time. Why is it coming up now? Because it was one of the worst experience of your life. Sometimes we tuck things away in a neat little package on a back shelf, thinking they are handled. Then we find out later that all we did was ignore them and just hid them from our sight.

I have found for me the only way to overcome these things is that I must face them and get the control back. If I do not then it controls me. Maybe you can start by taking control of that elevator. You push the buttons. You decide where it goes. Own it when you get on it. When you get your control back, you will find it to be just an plain elevator. Once you get your elevator back, then try something else. Keep your goals as small as possible. Take care and let us know how you are doing.

[Sabrina]

(((Elysium))) I hope you find a way to work around your feelings. You are very brave.