I just can't do it.

Here's the context - my 89 year old stepmother is dying of liver cancer. Naturally all of the family are heading to Ottawa to visit. But I can't. the emotional stuff this is bringing up, is overwhelming me. I never realized how many resentments I have against her from my teenage years. My Dad married her when I was 15 just 18 months after my Mom died, and she made it clear she wanted a husband not a kid. She also made it very clear that I wasn't welcome in her house, so i spent a lot of time on the streets. I get nightmares about just thinking of going to Ottawa. I know if I act like the good girl, and go see her, I'll wind up drinking or cutting to deal with the emotions. So why do I feel guilty for not doing what society expects?

--splitimage

splitimage....I'm so sorry to hear about the struggle you are going through. That is definitely a tough situation to be in. I had a very similar situation when my stepfather died. I did end up going up when he died, but only for my mother. If she wouldn't have needed me so much, I would have never went. Society does seem to dictate much of many of our lives, but don't feel bad about not wanting to go, and don't do it just because you feel obligated. There seem to be ligitimate reasons why you resent her, and if you feel it would be better for you to go and maybe get some closure, then by all means do it. But if you feel it will only cause you to do things that are harmful to you, don't put yourself through it. Best of luck with your decision

I have become more able to do some things that I don't really enjoy or want to do, but it is because I am doing them for myself, for the experience of being able to cope, not solely out of obligation. At times I still am not too good at carrying that out successfully, though.

Family has a way of making you feel guilty (even without saying anything) if that's the family dynamic. It seems so in your case, because otherwise family would have "BEEN THERE FOR YOU" all along the way to work through those family issues, right?

I'm sorry for this struggle. I do understand, I do.

It's perfectly ok to do good self care in a time like this. It's good to be an adult isn't it, when we can make those choices we know are best for us. It isn't being selfish, like family and society can try and make us feel. It's good self care and I admire your strength.

You might do some "compensatory" things to let the family know you really do care about the loss being experienced (send card, flowers) or whatever.... or not if you just can't, you just can't.

I agree with what everyone else has said to you. One thing I learned after my mother died was that members of my family knew more about what went on between my mother and I than I gave them credit for.

Do what you need to do for yourself. If you are approached later by anyone about your absence, you can simply tell them that the matter is between you and your step-mother and that she knows why you did not come.

How about being good to you, splitimage? Acting like a good girl does not have to mean giving in to societal expectations.
It can also mean honoring your feelings...

Try and remember that guilt is a wasted emotion; it serves no purpose other than to drain us.

I agree with the others, especially Vickie's suggestion if it should come up about why you did not go.
It's your business and no one else's.

Take care of you.

In Peace

((((((Splitimmage)))))



Please take care of yourself.