[eskielover]

This sounds so stupid to me....I got some sleep last night interspersed with the nightmares but all in all restful. I learned to keep the TV on in the background to keep the bad noises out of my head & so that when I wake up....my mind can immediately look at the TV instead of getting into that twain state.

I was relaxing before my planned trip to the ranch to train & play with my filly. I started watching what I thought was an innocent TV program....I mean how triggering can 7th Heaven really be. Well it just happened to be the episode where Annie's Mother dies.....geeze, the tears just started pooring out & when I got up to go into the bathroom, I almost passed out. I didn't even cry at my own Mothers funeral 5 months ago. I tried to understand what I was feeling & found I really couldn't put it into words. The thoughts brought back all the things I went through before my Mother died including the trauma & the fact that I was in the hospital when she died & for the 2 weeks before her funeral on IV feeding. The stupid part of it all is that I have been putting the scrapbook together for the life of my filly have been working on those months I didn't have many pictures because of everything I went through....I guess I was in that place anyway so when the TV showed something I related to the trauma....I really lost it...including the nausea hitting since it has been building up again.

I postponed my GP appointment to this next Thurs because I couldn't handle going to my Mothers home a couple of weeks ago when the appointment was actually scheduled. I know...what do the two have in common...I go down to my doctors once a month & stop by the house at that time to clean up some things. It always triggers me when I enter the house...all the sounds, smells, feelings just fill the house. It brought out the angry outbursts & I just couldn't handle going there. My husband ended up driving down a few days later to pick up the mail. Wouldn't you know it...one of the credit cards that was stolen had activity on it....I called the fraud department to find out if SHE WAS BACK? After some time of research while I was waiting on the phone...the let me know that it was just an error on their part. I postponing the Dr appointment just allowed me more time to have problems again. I had gained a couple of lbs....the nausea was less by a little.....I was even starting to feel good again between a few little lapses.

I am not sure how things are going with my psychologist I am seeing. I don't seem to be going anywhere but not sure if it is me or what. I don't understand why the professionals seem to think I know what I need to do...If I was that good...I would be one of them...wouldn't I???? Other issues from my past come up which she lived through...only now I am more able to put words to them & much more thought than 9 yrs ago. But as for the trauma....she kept telling me that ID theft is something that is quite prevalent & just something that happens. I had to point out to her that it wasn't the ID theft but the fact that I caught the RN doing it & didn't know what she would be willing to do to me, after OD'ing my Mother, to keep me from talking. I agree as time passes I was beginning to not worry until the Credit Card thing came up again....then all the problems of trying to clean up mess came pouring back. I also have plans this Thurs to spend some time at the house & sort through some things. I used the argument I got into with my husband to bail out of going 2 weeks ago. I wanted to take boxes & start sorting out give away, throw away, keep.....he wanted to go to the house & count the number of boxes needed because that was how his mother did it when they moved. I allowed him to irritate my so much, I really flew off at him...telling him I have only so many empty boxes that I can use to fill...why not use up what I have..then I can look at what I need after that....I wanted to actually accomplish something to feel better about things rather than counting the number of boxes I need without accomplishing anything except counting. That was just one of the little things that set me off. I am looking at this coming Thurs & hoping I don't get set off again....except that thinking back & trying to figure out what I need to work at with my psychologist has a tendency to set me off too.

My horses & dogs really do help me feel good....I mean even while crying today, I heard something being crunched on under my bed....I hung my head under my bed with the top of my head on the floor....there looking out from under my bed was my youngest eskie Leo...sticking his face in mine...kissing me on the nose with his big toung he had just been chewing on a scotch tape holder.....he has always been the home clown....thinking he is my big protecter. I really had to chuckly at the looks of his big brown eyes & nose poking out from under my head...looking at him upside down even made it funnier.

Tears & laughter....he always seems to know what I need. Needless to say, I didn't get out to see my horses today....better luck tomorrow...knowing that it will put me back into a good place for a while. Seems like the more I wonder if I am really getting help the worse I end up feeling......I am paying 1/2 of the therapy bill I for some reason...feel like I should be getting more for my money...but also know that I need to do something too...just still wondering what it is? Hate spending that much & sill wondering where I am going...I don't feel like I should be the one giving me direction because I am the one that is lost...lets see...that bumper sticker...don't follow me...I'm lost.....I think that says it all.

Debbie

[(JD)]

There seems to be "alot" of the idea that we know what we need, going around. hehehe Perhaps the advancing study of the brain is causing psychologists to realize that it IS all in there and if our brains here it enough, they (the brains) will find it for us? I'm for anything that works. Don't take it personally... and chalk it up to his intelligence or ignorance LOL

Triggering is upsetting... good cries are necessary and really do help us somehow... I forget the psychology of it all right now (it is morning, right?)

TC

[Schatze]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((eskie)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

How are you doing? I haven't been able to post very much lately and hope you are doing well. I hope you get to spend more time with your animals...they seem to bring you such joy and happiness.

[(JD)]

Yeah eskie, you back and doing ok?

[eskielover]

Thank you Schatze & Sky,

Not really back very well. Thought I was feeling a little better then when I was at my Mothers home cleaning things up after my GP appointment onThurs. it all started going down hill way more than I ever thought it would. I hadn't been down there for 6 weeks & really didn't think I would have the problems I have ended up with. I wasn't feeling too bad then went out into the garage & we had to spray to kill the black widows that took over. I really started feeling sick at that time & when I spent time sorting out the cloths....I totally broke down....walked out into the back yard & started watering the lawn to get away from it all & get some fresh air & just couldn't stop crying. Luckily my husband was there & he had to drive home because I was way to dizzy & hands were shaking & think it was an anxiety attack that hit. By the time I got home....I was getting the chills, running a temp, the nausea was horrible....my husband thought it might be the insectiside so I called my GP & asked him if it was possible for it to be a reaction to that....he told me to go to the ER & have them check....I was really dizzy, sick & shakey.....not a shape to be in around my horses. They took an xray to rule out pnumanitis (sp?) & found nothing in the lungs but said it may take a couple of days to clear it out of my system. I have so many allergic reactions that I wouldn't be surprised if there was some reaction to that but more than likely a combination of everything.

It's been 3 days & am not feeling any better & the dizziness is getting worse not better. Concentration is really terrible along with total anger attacks to everything arround me including my dogs (I know there is a problem when I get mad at them). I decided to try to be with my horses today & ride for a short while....my pore horse....I bridled him & got up on him to walk over to the dressage arena. I couldn't figure out why he wasn't going where I wanted so I tried to pull his. head to the left & he pulled it farther to the right....duh.....brain had quit.....I had his reins crossed so he was going the way I was pulling....I felt so bad I ended up getting off of him, fixed his reins, kissed him on the nose & broke into tears.

The really stupid thing was that when I saw my psychologist on Wed, she & I thought things were going well enough to cut down the sessions to every other week. I wasn't going to see her until after my dressage show July 10....thinking I would be so involved that my mind wouldn't have any room for anything else. I called her Thurs & talked a little about what was happening. She wants me to write down what I was feeling & thinking while at the house....maybe now we will be able to figure out more of what is going on.

She knows that I am going to get a divorce from my husband & I know that I have to get through this because I have to clear out the house to sell it before I am ready to get the divorce going.

I really haven't been feeling well enough to even use the computer much....I never thought I would ever feel the twinges of a headache with all the med I am on for the migraines but seems like my whole body is falling apart again & can't afford for that to happen just before the dressage show....gotta get my act together...no excuses.

Hope you all are doing better than I am right now,
Debbie

[(JD)]

.... ((((eskie)))) unfortunately you are so right on this... are we never safe anywhere???? not even here.