[Ask_My_Stars]

Hi, I'm new. I'm eighteen. I also posted an intro in the general introduction section a little bit ago. If you'd like to know a little bit more about where I'm coming from besides the ptsd maybe you could check there? Thanks.. anyway, I have severe ptsd. From my ptsd stems severe social anxiety and moderate agoraphobia. I went to therapy off and on for forever but got nowhere with it. The medications also didn't help.

I have a lot of trouble getting treatment for my ptsd. I think the main problem is that I can NOT bring myself to talk about what happened. All I can say is that it was extremely violent childhood S**ual abuse and that I was R**ed more than once.. but even that little bit of information is too hard to say outloud really. Even typing the words out fully and uncensored it seems would trigger me. I have talked to next to no one that's in my life now about everything that happened. My fiance knows some of it but not the full extent. We have been together for several years. We live together and he looks out for me. He is my major support... but besides him there's no one I've been able to talk about this to really at all.

I would sit there in the therapist's office.. trying to answer questions and trying to talk but litterally unable to make the noises to form the words. I become almost physically unable to talk every time.. I don't know what to do. How can I expect anyone to help me if I can't even really tell them what happened?

I brought one therapist some medical records and copies of the police reports hoping that then she'd know where I was coming from or magically know the right things to say but even those don't really tell the full story.

July 31st will be ten years from the day I was saved.

I wish I knew how to save more of myself and I wish I knew how to overcome this problem so that I can move forward in therapy.. so that one day maybe I will be better enough to move forward in life. I feel hopeless..

People have suggested writing down what happened and what I want to say about it but even that seems too hard. I seem unable to do even that. I've held the pen for over an hour... but I just can't put it down. When I try to talk about it or write about it I become like a statue almost...

Has anyone out there ever gone through this or dealt with this problem?

I don't want people to think that I'm not trying to get better.. I want to be able to talk about it so badly.. but I can't.

[jahrderglad]

Hi,
I have social anxiety and some agoraphobic tendencies too, probably from the PTSD.

Perhaps it would help to start with something a little less...direct...than talking about the events that caused your trauma. Instead, maybe start talking about or writing down things you feel when thinking about those events. Then, dig a little deeper and (when you feel comfortable--work up to it slowly if you need to) consider the things you felt relating to the traumatic events back when they were occurring. It might be an easier transition from talking about the feelings to talking about the events than just jumping right in and talking about the events. And it may take quite a while before you're ready to talk about the events...but if you move towards it little by little, maybe it will help.

Have you discussed with your therapist your inability to verbalize the trauma? Perhaps he/she might have some better ideas for ways to do so that aren't emotionally avoidant or retraumatizing.

[polyprotic]

I'm sorry to hear that all that happened to you. Just coming on here and sharing that much is a good step in the right direction, though

I have read some research on trauma recovery that shows that it is not necessary to delve into every detail of the trauma, but rather to identify and deal with triggers and responses. I can try to find the title of the book he wrote on this, if you'd like?

In my opinion, the feelings of loneliness and alienation can be the worst for a lot of people with PTSD, so you should know that there are others out there that have gone through similar things. That's not to say that they felt the same way, or dealt with it similarly, though. Every situation is different, and so is everyone's response. Some people take a short time before they're ready to talk, and others may never be. There is absolutely no set timeline for recovery, besides what you're comfortable with.

I hope the boards here offer you some support. If nothing else, it may be helpful for you to simply read the posts of others that do not contain triggers.

[Ask_My_Stars]

Thank you both for your responses. I have tried to explain my inabilty to talk to the therapists and they all understood for awhile and didn't push. I think they thought that eventually I'd get used to them or trust them or whatever and be able to talk more.. but that's just never happened. One therapist's idea was to write down some feelings and events but that seemed almost just as hard :[

polyprotic, if you can easily find the title or author that'd be interesting to read and possibly helpful but you don't have to worry too about it if it's too much trouble. I don't want to put you out of your way!

The alienation IS the worst. I have in the past found it helpful to read what other people have to say and to know that others have had similar experiences.

This just is so hard because I really really DO want to talk to somebody. I want somebody.. anybody to hear me, but I just can't.

[amante]

Perhaps you can talk more and share more with your partner, sounds like he is a good person and cares about you alot. Perhaps sharing to the full extent with him, might enable you to open up with some small stuff in T. little steps,

[Pomegranate]

I am 55 years old and only now have I been able to say more than "I was sexually abused as a child." I am amazed right now at how I am able to talk a bit more about what happened. All I can say, from my experience, is that it takes as long as it takes to heal. Keep working at it, don't force things - don't do or say anything that makes you feel bad or uncomfortable. It will all happen, your voice will come when you are ready. Also don't blame yourself for how ever long it takes for you to heal. You are doing the best you can, take care of yourself.

Hello, Ask_My_Stars. Would your fiance be willing to either go with you to see your therapist and talk about what you have told him, or write it out for the therapist?