[tifferific]

I laugh at this forgiveness, theory!
For my sake!
I see him most every day. He winkes at me.
Lookes at my daughter.
And I'm suppose to feel big enough strong enough to protect both of us. Give me a break.
I can barely breath. And yes, it feeds my eating disorder. Puke!

I can relate--I haven't forgiven any of them. I used to think I had, because i still spoke to them (most were family members), but the way i isolate, and am so very avoidant of most people, I know i ne'er have. I am always in hypervigilence, hypersensitive mode--fight or flight--constant anxiety is my costant companion.
Fear of the unknown is ever present. I have lived this way all of my life, I don't know how I've survived it--40 years of therapy-tons of misdiagnosis, guinea pig meds...
all the while my family pointing the finger at me--she's the nut--there's something wrong with her...and still i had to live with them-oh yes-my mom got rid of my father when i was two--she knew what he was trying to do taking "naps' with me but my brothers were still there. I still had to deal with them, and their friends-much older than I was---it went on throughout my life--to a husband who raped me daily for 16 years---then did it to our biological daughter--when she told me--he was out that day by Police and Child Protective Orders

There is no way to forgive, no way-only to try to go on (((Tifferffic)))-theo

[AShadow721]

((((Tifferific)))) ((((Theo))))
Tifferific, you should not have to see this man everyday and neither should your kids. Is there something you can do to get away from him and get him away from you? Can you move or get a protective order?
Theo, I hope your daughter is getting help too. Thank God for you standing up for her!! You are a great, strong woman! I'm so sorry for what you went through yourself.

Sorry this happened.

Oh Byzantine, it's going to be on all the bookshelves soon and coming to a theatre near you soon. The problem has been the denial of it all these years-these many many years, CPTSD has been the true center of dysfuncional families forever--even through "Ozzie an Harriet" years, the problem is that it is so horrific, that it wasn't even given a DSM code till the late '80's. No one wants to recognize it for what it is. No one wants to truly see loved ones, trusted ones preying on their own--it is an epidemic, it has been one for many years..am glad you have not have to have had such an experience---Be well Hugs back-theo

[AShadow721]

I never was for sure I had PTSD until my son was born. I don't know why.

Possibly because you realized how vulnerable and helpless a baby is when you had one of your own. You recognized that anyone could do whatever they want with such as he, who would ever know?
That's how the predators see their prey. It often begins very early on. I was lucky-
my mom may have been a diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic, but she knew there was something up with the way my father kept wanting to take naps with me right after I'd already taken a nap, and I'd start screaming every time he picked me up.

She also saw how he treated my brothers--belittling them and making them feel worthless and small--he was cruel to them...they were made to feel they were not a part of the family--I was the princess--they hate me to this day, and blame the divorce on me to this day.
Nope--she wasn't all that nuts-she divorced him--Thank you God!

I've done alot of EMDR and hypnosis in therapy--I do not suggest it for you or anyone--sometimes it's best to not know what you don't know...................

Take Care of You AShadow721!!!!! (((((HUGS)))))theo

[AShadow721]

That is part of it I'm sure. Then is when I knew it was the truth. But I didn't know what all the symptoms were and that I was experiencing almost all of them. I think I just wanted to get better for my son, so I started researching about what was wrong with me.

My mom doesn't really remember hardly anything about being married to my father. She just remember one incident when he shook me when I was a baby. But they divorced when I was only almost two. They were only married for 6 years and they had only met about two months before they got married. But my mother asked me many times when I was about 8 until I finally told someone at age 11-12 about the way he treated me and my sister. She would tell me that her best friend's was raped and she acted the same way I did.

My sister probably would have blamed me as well if they had divorced years later instead of earlier. I'm sorry they blame you, you know it's not your fault.

I have tried self-hypnosis, but have never been able to relax enough. What is EDMR?

[tifferific]

Originally Posted by AShadow721

That is part of it I'm sure. Then is when I knew it was the truth. But I didn't know what all the symptoms were and that I was experiencing almost all of them. I think I just wanted to get better for my son, so I started researching about what was wrong with me.

My mom doesn't really remember hardly anything about being married to my father. She just remember one incident when he shook me when I was a baby. But they divorced when I was only almost two. They were only married for 6 years and they had only met about two months before they got married. But my mother asked me many times when I was about 8 until I finally told someone at age 11-12 about the way he treated me and my sister. She would tell me that her best friend's was raped and she acted the same way I did.

My sister probably would have blamed me as well if they had divorced years later instead of earlier. I'm sorry they blame you, you know it's not your fault.

I have tried self-hypnosis, but have never been able to relax enough. What is EDMR?

I am so lost, as to what this means.
I do remember.
I remember all of it. Well all that I allow or care to bits and pieces come more and more. I wish they would stop its horrible.

[AShadow721]

I am sorry to confuse you tifferific, I was answering to theo. I don't remember much of of what happened to me. I could say you're better off remembering, because it's hard and takes a lot of time and effort to remember all the details of something you tried so hard to forget. But I dissociated these memories for a reason. I suppose I do know what it is like to remember, because I remember other traumas. But the ones from my childhood are so hard to piece together. I know there most be some healthy way to make the memories stop from popping up.

[tifferific]

No I think your blessed by being haunted or not or terrors by bits and pieces. Non ever ok.

Agreed, tifferific, and agreed, too, that I am not able to ever forgive.

If God can-let Him do it- I am not able to- not with this burden I carry through life--
and the burden I feel of all my fellow survivors, in my deep empathy for you all.

I just wish it would be more out in the media, more publicized so that more
of the world would know what really goes on--it angers me that PTSD and the horrors of incest are still thought to be so few and far between; when in fact they are and always have been of such epidemic proportions that the world has become surreal to me--there exists no truth in society, only distorted images made up by the media and what people want to believe is true, because DENIAL is easier for them.
It only makes me feel more ill, that we are given no credence, no affirmation- that we must find solace isolated on the internet--it's backwards--There are many more of us out there---so many more locked in denial-put away in nut houses--by families that are in denial--
me and my soap box---yeah

Sorry tifferific--hyjacked your thread-- it is all wrong--you are correct-theo