[lyrical_chula]

everytime i think about my abuse and the things that i went through all i can think is that it was my fault not just part of it but all of it why didnt i stop him why didnt i make it all stop how come i was too weak where was my strength its just not fair i hate when people tell me its not my fault because it is i never once tried to stop it if anything i encouraged it i agreed to it not only my body wanted it but my mind wanted it ugh i hate feeling this pain but what else can i do what else can i say

Hey lyrical--I think -well i do anyway- we all feel great guilt about our abuse. That's part of the "victim" playing out in you.

Are you in therapy? (((((((Lyrical)))))))-theo

[lyrical_chula]

yes i am but i feel like its useless

[REEG]

Originally Posted by lyrical_chula

yes i am but i feel like its useless

Lyrical- Thanks for your posts! That feeling that it is all your fault is SO common with survivors. It's good that you can write about it. Please know that it was NOT.

What you are thinking/ feeling is defineately important! Please keep posting and going to therapy.

There are many of us here who are on the same journey- sending support and good thoughts your way.

[blameme]

I too, struggle with this concept almost daily. I can tell you that I have to make a really HUGE effort everyday to tell myself that I am not at fault, hoping that eventually I will know it, believe it and get beyond it.

(((((lyical)))))

[AShadow721]

Well, for me my original abuser told me everything is my fault. He still does. He told me I caused the mold on his walls. I caused water damage to his house. I caused all these stains (from mold) on the carpet. I made his dog vomit, because I put black beans on the floor. It's my fault the dog chewed on things, because I left things in his reach. (He chewed on the furniture). I'm causing a health hazard to my son, because his dangerous belongs are all over the place which I tried so hard to get most out of his reach (my father is a hoarder and I'm staying in his old house, which he's now just using for storage). I'm nelgecting my son, not doing right by him, ect. He's never here to know and thank goodness, because I don't want him around! I'm a p.o.s. and pathetic because I can't keep the house perfectly clean. Well how the heck do keep a hoarder's storage place clean??? And FYI, a toddler lives here, there should be toys on the floor. These are things he tells me. In my opinion and experience, abusers want to make their victims feel guilty. At least with my father, I know he wants to make me feel guilty and bad about myself to make him feel better about himself. I know all of his emotional abuse is not the truth, so I ignore it. I'm not at fault, he's the pathetic one that abused his daughters and pets. I'm just one those things he used to relieve his anger or whatever feeling. I was an object to him, not a human being with feelings.

Anyway before I get lost in my words again, What I'm saying is abusers inflict guilt on us. And other people might say it's our fault as well. As children, we are weak to people with higher power and authority. All that is needed to abuse a child is coersion, they don't need force or violence if the child trusts the person or thinks they have to obey....I totally dissociated while I was writing this and don't remember what I've said. Well, when I have been revictimized, sometimes I fought back, but sometimes I went back into little girl mode and fear and coersion was all that was needed to abuse me.

[WePow]

(((Lyrical))) The weakness feeling may have been there in order to survive. It is a chemical response in the body to shut down when in high stress. The Fight/Flight/Freeze kicks in. If you freeze, you almost become dead. This was to allow animals to have a lesser chance of being killed for food. Who wants to eat something already dead in the animal world? So what happens is that those chemicals are released that make our muscles go limp and our emotions shut off.

The trauma has to be processed through in order for healing to occur.

[AShadow721]

That was a great response Wepow. It really helps me understand my responses to assault. Thank you.

Would you blame yourself for being hurt in a car accident where the other driver was at fault because if you had not driven there you would not have been around to be hurt?

Lyrical--you got some really good input here from others.
If only to shift your mind program from that of helplessness to that of empowerment, try postive affirmations daily...it helped me alot---still does.

There are many as rebnsof says, who'd judge you--I know they still judge me today--"I let it all happen", "Why didn't I make it stop" "I allowed".....pay no heed!!!

I was programmed like Pavlov's dogs, to accept the abuse, to incorporate it into my
thinking as being totally "helpless" to stop it. I was taught, before age 5 that this was what I deserved. That I deserved no love, care, kindness-i deserved to be constantly hurt, that this was my life.

This is something that has to be retaught...to heal--We are /were not to blame for what others did to us; even as a grown woman; I thought it my lot to take the abuse--that that was a part of being the "good wife" and "Mother"--I later learned through therapy, and support groups at Victim's Services that this was not true.

It took alot of time, and i still get annoyed at the judgemental attitudes of others--
"Well I wouldn't allow that to happen to me" and all that nonsense...here's a quote:

"We are as forlorn as children lost in the wood. When you stand in front of me, what do you know of the griefs that are in me, and what do i know of yours?...For that reason alone, we human beings ought to stand before one another as reverently, as reflectively, as lovingly, as we would before the entrance to Hell"---Kafka

--------------------------------------I send you positive affirmations--Theo

[grizmom]

Everyone has given a lot of great advice...I wish you the best! (((lyrical)))

[lyrical_chula]

i can honestly say i would only because i just got in one and if i had paid attention more i could have avoided it

[Hunny]

Lyrical_chula:

Just wanting to come alongside of you and shore you up. It is going to get better. I just have to believe that on your behalf and in my own behalf.

I have to take steps and you are reaching out for some comfort and compassion and believe me it is here for you, lovely one. Someone can counter with all the logic on the earth but sometime I know I just need company, someone to come alongside. Yes, the facts help too but know I am going through this 'not alone' makes it feel do-able.

Where the memory of the abuse/trauma resides in your brain does not purely get addressed by using talk therapy or logic. So please be gentle with yourself.

From WePow " http://www.washacadsci.org/Journal/J...0Crandalll.pdf "

Safe hugs

Hunny