Um, no. I have a lot of trouble leaving the past in the past.

Someone told me, and I believe it, that with PTSD, the memories are stored in a different part of the brain. So it's not so much me not letting go of the past, it's the past not letting go of me. I re-live it. Every little hurtful thing said to me, or every *major* hurtful thing done to me, by a trusted elder. I was raised to "respect" my elders, and this meant they were like that little boy on the Twilight Zone. You'd better NOT think a bad thought about them. Instead, you'd better like and approve of everything they say and do, and keep telling them how good they are.

And now, I have trouble disqualifying what they said, way back when. Since I can remember everything so clearly, what might as well have happened yesterday was maybe 20 or 30 years ago, but the feelings are still fresh. I still remember being fair game for insult humor, especially about my weight, and "if you don't like it, go on a diet." What brought that back was that I am now considering weight loss surgery, and I can just hear some family members telling me it's cheating. I will never win their approval, no matter what I do. This is why I had to move 3,000 miles away from them. If I still lived where they live, I'd still be going through all their crap.

But the memories have followed.

I've been up all night watching for responses to this post. So far there aren't any.

Is there anybody out there to support me?

[lynn P.]

I'm so sorry you carry so much pain from your childhood. Old patterns are hard to break but you can learn how, by being mindful of what you say to yourself. Do you have a therapist? With my girls we all talk openly about our feelings and I let my daughters have a voice. I'm feel sad you were allowed to feel that way. Are you discussing these issues with your therapist? Sorry for the questions but I don't know your situation very well.

[perpetuallysad]

See my response to your other thread about getting help. I'd say pretty much the same thing to this one and won't waste your time being redundant.

[splitimage]

I hear your frustration, and no we can't just let go of it. It can takes years of work in therapy to "get over it" and break old patterns. I get enraged when someone says this to me. My AA sponsor did this to me this weekend. I was talking about feeling triggered to drink becasue of PTSD. And she said "Isn't that just a fancy way of saying you haven't gotten over things, everyone has bad memories they have to deal with." I felt so invalidated.

Sorry for threadjacking.

(((((( LovebirdsFlying ))))))

Not a threadjacking at all, splitimage. I appreciate your relating to me, and I hear what you're saying loud and clear.

[amante]

if it was that easy to just get over it, then I don't think there would be the term PTSD. After suffering with PTSD for over 3 years now, it's not gone at all, triggers trigger and memories come back for very different reasons and you can't stop them sometimes. I am sorry you are having a hard time of things now. are you taking any therapy or medications?

[AtreyuFreak]

I'm sorry you're going through this. In your case, it sounds like moving so far away was a good thing to do; though the past may still hurt you, they can't hurt you in the present.

Just hearing that title, "can't you just let it go?" fills me with anger. I think everyone with even a small degree of PTSD has heard that at least once. I think it's bulls***. If they had to deal with what we did, they wouldn't dare telling themselves or anyone else to "just let it go." (Sorry if I'm generalizing here)

My mother tried this tactic with me once, and when I couldn't explain it to her (not for lack of trying, she just doesn't listen to anything unless it's what she wants to hear) she felt that it proved I was lying about the CSA and that I was just being dramatic. People who say this just don't want to admit that humans can be so cruel...(in my opinion at least).

(((Sorry if this doesn't make sense...)))

Are you in therapy, LovebirdsFlying? Semantic distinctions do not change the reality that you are deeply burdened by the past. You need help to sort through the hurt you experienced.

A good place to start is challenging every negative attributed to you to unmask its fallacy. http://psychcentral.com/lib/2009/15-...e-distortions/

Good luck.

Thanks for the link. I'm still not quite right--working on it. I am in therapy. Appointment later today.

My own mother (who probably would qualify for a few diagnoses herself, if she'd get the help) always says she's "too busy living in the present" to even *remember* things that happened before. She freely admits to being idealistic, and just refuses to see negative. She actually thinks, and will tell herself and others, that if she *says* often enough that everything is as it should be, that it's all OK, and that our family is perfect, then saying it will *make* it be that way.

I think my grandmother (her mother) is the same way and taught her to be so, all caught up in "just think good thoughts" and denying reality. When I talk about something that happened to me, if one or the other of them is present, I have been accused of lying, or at least having an "active imagination." I hear, "You might have dreamed it," or "You probably saw it on TV and got confused later, and thought it happened to you."

Bovine excrement.

My grandmother, by the way, angrily told me, "There is nothing wrong with the way you grew up!" Yeah, so it's normal to be sexually molested by your alcoholic stepfather when you're 12 years old? It's normal to have the cops show up when your parents are fighting, because the neighbors (or your mother) called them? For that matter, it's normal to hear screaming, slamming doors, and breaking dishes in the middle of the night, repeatedly? Does everyone go to 20 different schools in a dozen different states, sometimes changing schools as many as five times in a year? Is everyone so poor that even basic necessities such as soap, shampoo, toilet paper, and hot water are rationed, you're allowed only one bath a week, and they call you "stinky" when and wherever you do go to school? (Not that we couldn't afford it. The money went for beer and cigarettes instead. Always plenty of that around.)

Is everyone disciplined with belts, hair brushes, fly swatters, and wooden spoons for so much as forming an opinion? To the point where, by the time you're eight years old, even seeing your mother walk in your general direction, not even thinking about you, causes you to duck and cover? (When that happened, she would accuse me of having a guilty conscience; I must have done something wrong that she didn't know about yet.) Has everyone's family deeply ingrained into them that they are fat, ugly, and stupid (despite straight A's, which don't count, because that's only book learning, not "real life" learning.)

There's "nothing wrong" with all this?

I want to tell my story to the world. Screw what I've always been told; you know, "Keep your mouth shut about what happens in this house." Variations include, "Don't air your dirty laundry in public," "Loose lips sink ships," etc. It's always been that way. When punishment follows crime, who is blamed? The criminal? Nope. The one who told.

Still, I'm telling anyone who will listen.

Keep on posting, LovebirdsFlying. You have been to hell and back. I hear you.

Thanks, Byz.

I suffered a trigger yesterday.

I was researching the web, looking for a site that can illustrate the difference between discipline and child abuse, and quite by accident I came upon this horrifying, disgusting blog.

MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING

The blog strongly recommended not merely spanking, but maliciously beating a child in the name of discipline, and from what I could see (I merely glanced, didn't read it all the way through) graphically described how it should be done. For me the biggest trigger was the huge-lettered sidebar statement, "If your child doesn't look like this the minute you come home, you have failed as a parent." The cartoonish illustration showed a child in a duck and cover to fend off blows.

This was apparently supposed to be HUMOROUS!!!!!

What I'd like is for someone to please just validate me in being so horrified that this kind of stuff exists on the web. Or that anyone would find the mere idea even remotely funny.

They do it all the time. It's so hurtfull to have these things said to us. I am so sorry that it is happening in your life. The sooner more are educated on this dis-ease, the sooner we will all get the validation we need to correctly give ourselves the positive affirmations we need; and to rid ourselves of the lack of self worth -i at least feel.
I relate-and i am sooo sorry, LoveBirdsFlying. (((((LoveBirdsFlying)))))-theo

what a sick sense of humor to show such a thing. I definitely can validate your feelings on this LoveBirdsFlying. The world seems so out of kilter these days-
what used to be horrific is "fun", what used to be silly is "stupid".

The world seems so convoluted with much that is inappropriate--i sometimes wonder if I am living in The Twilight Zone.

It's not you, it's this strange new style of value systems....i'm with you on this one-theo

Daughter arrived and we all went out for breakfast. Me, my husband, her, and our toddler grandson. It was a much needed break, and during that time we discussed exactly that trigger. She was as horrified as I was, winced when I described the illustration of the child, and pointed out that there is a trend with humor these days. "Let's find something that is horrific, sick, shocking, and blatantly wrong, and praise it up like it's a good thing."

I remember in the 70's insult humor was all the rage. How many times did we hear some variant of "Up your nose with a rubber hose"? Then in the 80's, the fashion was smart-aleck kids. "Diff'rent Strokes," "Calvin and Hobbes," and the like. I guess this is the way humor is right now. I hope the trend fades away. Fast. And never comes back.

[dee6445]

No. I re-live it hours every day. I have tried to forgive and rise above. I have tried to forget. I have tried to be angry and get over it. I have medicated (dr. prescribed). I just want relief!

[Elysium]

I know.

It plays and plays...over and over, every hour. I hear every insult, feel every slap and snap of the belt. Feel the way they look at me as if they wanted to kill me or as if I disgusted them. It's every minute. I don't even actively think about it. It just is...like breathing...it just happens intrinsically. It's a loop that never stops.

Never has. Will it ever?

I'm sorry it is this way for you too.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I am glad you shared, lovebirdsflying.

We are here to support you.

I am sorry I wasn't here sooner.

I know what it feels like to post and not get recognized.

Billi

[AtreyuFreak]

Originally Posted by LovebirdsFlying

Bovine excrement.

haha i love this statement.

((I just realized this sounded totally random and kinda out-of-place on this forum. sorry :/ ))

[susan888]

(((((( LovebirdsFlying ))))))

The pain follows us even as we become adults. It feels the same as it did when it first happened. You don't just "get over it". It becomes a part of who you are and hopefully you can take that pain and turn it into compassion and understanding for others.

I have not had counseling, but I imagine it would be beneficial to my own sense of self worth. I would listen to those that have done so.

[Alexandria04]

I have to agree with what everyone else has said on this thread. There is no just "getting over it" though I hear many variations of this phrase, the most common in Army lingo being "suck it up and drive on" and really that is just NOT helpful, not in the least. If we could just get over it then it wouldn't be childhood trauma would it? I am sorry that you were treated this way and I hope you can find a way to work through it. We are here to support you

[(JD)]

Your family lives in Egypt by the river called "denial"!

They won't ever understand, not ever, so don't try, it will only cause you more harm.

I think PTSD memories aren't exactly stored at all, but due to brain chemicals they are strewn all over the floor of our file room! The good news is that once we teach the brain where a particular type of trauma memory goes, (work through it) it will then find all similar ones and file them away properly also! You won't have to go through each and every situation that was traumatic.

Thanks for all these new posts I just saw. Helpful information, all of it.

[Typo]

((((((((((((Lovebirdsflying)))))))))))))