wondering about symptoms...

although i don't think they're apparent at the moment, since i am now on good terms with the person who caused this, i want to know other people's opinions about this once and for all, because i am not satisfied if i just 'think' something is the case. Here were the symptoms i had...
I got the most SEVERE anxiety at Band Camp... because marching band season was during the worst time of things between me and Evan. I couldn't eat for a week due to the anxiety of that one day.
I couldn't listen to the baritone saxophone, that gave me anxiety beause that was the instrument Evan played.
I couldn't look at the font Tempus Sans, that gave me anxiety because that was the font he'd use when we talked online. The only time anything happened was when we talked online; i dont use the phone much.
In quite a few situations when having arguments with a friend, the way they approached me about something, made me feel like i had to defend myself against Evan again... like the things that i said, even though i felt they had worth, were now worthless and that i was only making excuses to try and prove myself. Because of the fact that i could never prove myself it made me feel like anyone could see through me and see that i was only making excuses, and i ceased to believe any of the things i said to people. All this was just because something someone said reminded me of something he said.
When i would see him, when he would visit my school once in a while... id shake, clench my fists, all my muscles, because i wanted more than anything just to kick him in the nuts. But i couldn't. When it got at the most intense point, i would stop shaking and stare into nothing until i stared so long i got tunnel vision. It made it feel like i was sleeping, because it was that same feeling of weight all over your body that you get when you are sleeping. So sometimes, as to not draw any more attention to myself i would pretend i was sleeping... and id feel like i was in a deep deep sleep just from the state of my body and mind... and the feeling of weight. The only word i can use to describe it is catatonic, though having heard of what a real catatonic state is, this would definitely not be it... but still, its a bit scary.
Not a day goes by that i don't think of him and say his name and go through the situations that happened with him. Even though things are kind of okay now... i still do. Once in a while i'll have a dream about it. Quite often my thoughts will result in me crying just asking myself "why?"
I realized after i started to feel better, that every single song in the music files i have on my computer remind me of him. Like a certain song would be my, "if evan had a heart" song. (Konstantine by Something Corporate) or my "scary evan" song (They All Fall Down by sr-71) And then i completely and entirely flip out on someone if they tell me to get over it. Especially when that certain person was one that was there for me during some very bad parts of the situation(s)

Is this post traumatic stress disorder?

if he hurts me again, i'm probably going to go completely and entirely crazy. they'll have to lock me up.

at one point, i believed that this totem stone he had given me (on it carved a scorpion to symbolize strength) i thought that somehow he had a hold on my mind with that stone, and that whenever i would cut after thoughts of him, he was thinking of me and making me do that.... how messed up is that? Chances are, it'll be back sometime. i can feel it. its only on temporary leave. maybe because i can see it from his point of view also. understanding is the key to everything. EVERYTHING. but, i would really really really like to know what anyone thinks.
~Julie

"Sometimes it takes us to the bottom of our misery to understand the truth..."
~Gustav Havel - existentialist

There are some definitions of PTSD on this site under the disorders button and a quiz for it under the quizzes section. Did you take the quiz yet? I find those things helpful to print out and take to my therapist. Do you have a therapist to help you through this stuff JulieBean? I wish you do/did. Outside help is needed when you are having severe depression. You just can't pull yourself up by your own bootstraps generally.

I don't know if it's PTSD but whatever you are/were going thru it doesn't sound good. It would be a really good step for you to see someone like a counselor and talk to them. They will help you deal with what happened and your feelings.

You are the only one who can control how things affect you. If you know that there is a possibility things could go bad with Erin again (which it seems you do) and you know that would put you over the edge then you need to stay away from him.

It's not getting over it. It takes time to get over things sometimes. But I think you need to really think about what affect he has on you. Try to figure out why and then what you can do to avoid being in that situation again.

No person is worth such stress, anxiety, fear and anger even if he is being kinda nice now. I don't think he is a safe person for you to be around.

Is he someone that is necessary in your life? Why is it so important to you what he thinks and feels? He is only as important as you let him be and he really can't hurt you of you don't let him.

Hugs sweetie,
Heidu

The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.
John Ruskin

Julie,

Nobody can have power over you unless you give it to them. Sometimes not giving them the power is harder to do than someone might think though. I've told you before that I wish you would see someone about this because it obviously bothers you a lot, and we just don't have the ability here to give you all of the help that you need and deserve. Therapy is to help peole deal with difficult times in their life as well as mental health issues. We'll always be here for you on this site, no matter what.

Here's another site with information about PTSD. <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.giftfromwithin.org/>http://www.giftfromwithin.org/</A> You can look there and see if any of it helps you.

{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}
Wendy

<font color=purple>"The real problem of mental life is not why some people become insane, but rather why most avoid insanity." -Erich Fromm</font color=purple>

great link wendy. I will check it out later. Looks like a great site with lots of info.

most panicky responses to some traumatic event can be worked through alone through within a year or so. however, PTSD (which can last for years) is something that should be treated by someone who is experienced in trauma counseling. you shouldn't have to suffer alone. especially if you have more than one trauma, please get help. ((((Huggs))))

<font color=purple> Man can will nothing unless he has first understood that he must count no one but himself; that he is alone, abandoned on earth in the midst of his infinite responsibilities, without help, with no other aim than the one he sets himself, with no other destiny than the one he forges for himself on this earth. Jean-Paul Sartre </font color=purple>