[michelle421]

hi...

i am writing because my partner has been having a really hard time and she's been feeling unsafe around her home. i feel that she is still feeling very emotional connections to past abuse, and i'm wondering if anyone has any advice, whether you've been through something similar or if you know someone who has.

this afternoon we went out for a lovely walk, but when we were going back to her apartment there was a child playing on the sidewalk with his skateboard. she feels very threatened when people are blocking the sidewalk. it's common in her neighborhood for children to be riding their bikes recklessly around the sidewalks and in the parking lot. they also run and play around and generally don't care or notice when other people are around trying to use the sidewalk. my partner feels very emotional about this, and i don't really relate. kids are kids, and the parents around here aren't great. i move along. but i do my best to be understanding about my partner. she feels that people are able to tell she is a bad person and try to hurt her because of it.

the child didn't get out of our way when we were near. instead, his skateboard went sliding out towards my partner and she got very angry. she feels angry towards the child for disrespecting her space and not allowing her to get by safely. she feels that the child was trying to throw the thing at her intentionally to hurt her. since we have been inside, she has been having a hard time. when she speaks to me, she says she should know that she doesn't deserve to be safe and she deserves to hurt. she is angry at the child and herself. the voices in her head tell her she deserves to hurt. she feels that she should just accept that she will never be safe at home and that is because she doesn't deserve it because she's a bad person. she feels that she can't safely leave her home without being attacked by the monsters (children, other threatening people. she dislikes many of her neighbors for other incidences that make her feel threatened).

i know she has been terribly abused in her past, and that has heightened her sense of fear and distorted her sense of safety in the present. i want to encourage her to work through this and heal from the past abuse. i wish she would talk to her therapist, but when another incident with a child near her apartment happened and she tried talking to her T, it didn't go well at all. it's hard to understand her perspective, but i try so hard because i want to understand and be helpful to her in healing.

any thoughts or advice is appreciated. i really want her to be ok, and i know she doesn't deserve to be hurt. she is not a bad person. i can't imagine how hard it is to hear all the things she is hearing about herself in her head. she does deserve to be safe, but i know her perceptions make a big difference in how she feels about her own safety. has anyone been able to work through these feelings? i admire you. i believe it is possible, even though it is such hard and difficult work.

[PleaseHelp]

Well I'm glad that she has you. I know having my boyfriend around helps, even if he doesn't understand.

Yes I would say she does need counseling. Not all therapists are understanding. It is hard to find one that fits with you and you fit with them. If that makes sense. If she truly isn't feeling safe right now and you think she is a danger to herself or anyone else you should take her into the ER. Other wise, just try being there for her. For me it helps if someone is there to help distract me. Just get my mind off of what is going on. Play a game, watch TV, do a puzzle together, something/anything.

Good luck. I hope that helps

[Nupoet64]

I agree with PleaseHelp. Also, i do not know how much you know about PTSD, but there is a thing with age regression. The person can be triggered by anything from a truamatic experience. The trigger causes the person to regress to a younger age ( inside) and react as a child.
Example: I was 3 the first time I remember being abused sexually. When I see what I call "crazy eyes" I revert to the three year old and cannot defend myself or run or anything. I freeze, panic and try not to wet my pants. I have to have someone else there to protect me, because at that time, I am 3 yrs old. To me "crazy eyes" are like my dad's eyes....ice blue and crazy looking...like anger or aggression.
It maybe that some of the memories are repressed, but she is getting triggered. And yes, we are conditioned to think that we do not deserve what other poeple deserve....that is a tactic used by perps and sadistic tormentors.
Maybe should agree to allow you to go to one session with her? Whatever she is dealing with is very heavy and she is overwhelmed...from what it sounds like to me.
She may be like me, afraid of herself. I fear the rage that sits just under the surface. Someone can upset me and the anger is justified, but then in an inatnat, like a flash fire, I am engulfed in a rage that goes back adn covers all the abuse done to me....it is very scarey. Then I feel ashamed and guilty, afterwards.
I don't know if that helps, but also, if she is not get the proper therapy, then the therapy may not be helping. I have wasted alot of time on conventional therapy, only to find out that the three people that helped me where familiar with PTSD. It is differnt. If she is only being treated for one symptom, it is like putting a bandaid on a surgical would...it doesn't fix it.

Maybe you can get her to talk with you, if she is unable to talk, maybe she can write you a letter and let you know where she is atm. Just my thoughts on it. I hope you find the answers you need. And hang in there, it is a hard road, but worth the work. I am glad she has you. She needs someone.

Good luck.