Wow! this explains so much!

I think for people who have endured prolonged trauma, like child abuse, who can't remember a "before trauma" time, therapy can have a profound benefit. I find that my T is helping me develop a positive sense of myself even when I am hurt, scared, or angry; he is helping me to learn to weather the storms of my sensitized nervous system; he is helping me recognize that I am a good and decent person, even though the abuse has made me feel like I am not. I have learned that I didn't have a voice when I was abused, but I have one now and I can choose when to use it, and choose to be around people who will hear it.

It's for sure a slow process because of the impact of my history, and I can't undo or erase what was done, but I can get to a better place, I know. We all can.

Thanks so very, very much for this! How is it possible to be a straight A student (+degreed) and have a screwed up life. Isolated, living on financial edge (homeless, several times, unable to keep a full-time job). Info helps me feel a little less insane.

I really related to the article. A lot of my developmental delays and difficulties are due to being autistic, but I'm sure my early environment made things a lot worse and contributes to why I have so many limitations, so much anxiety, and so much sensory overload as an adult.

Sounds interesting, but I don't think that it is all inclusive.
There is another good thing to read and ponder as well, go to http://www.bullyonline.org/stress/ptsd.htm for another great article to read. This is about a new emerging study by Dr. Scaer. And you may identify very well with it.
I have to say that when I read it, it was introducing me to ME.
And it also made me angry because I had tried and tried to express
my damage to psycologists and psychiatrists and was directed to take antidepressants that did not work for me. Now I know why. And I was also described as having some disorders which is incorrect.

Anyone here should really read this because you can be misdiagnosed and that can lead to even more trauma. This has been the case with me.

Fortunately, I have all my medical records and the interviews with various phychiatrists and psychologists. Interestingly enough, they recorded everything from how I was dressed all the different Axis's and the history I uttered. And, it is all there in black and white leading right to everything that Dr. Scaer talks about.

This is part of what I am fighting now. Dealing with an accurate diagnosis, trying to process the damage caused by being misdiagnosed,
and trying to find a way to get my records set straight. What bothers me even more is that I know that I am not the only victim of being misunderstood. When I think about how very hard I tried to explain my psychological issues and was constantly invalidated by therapists I get very upset and angry.

However, even though I want to go and yell at some of these therapists
for causing further abuse/bullieing, I have to stay grounded and recognise that this whole field is a practice and study of the human psychie.

I especially have three doctors that I want to address. But herein lies the problem. I can't get an appointment with them, they may not remember me, and the cost of trying to be physically in front of them to be finally validated would be more than I can afford. The last time I tried this, before I came across the article, I was charged double the normal rate and I got no validation, only a statement as I left the office, "You are very misunderstood".

See this icon? This is where you start, Cant stop Crying, This is you hugging your brain. The reason you don't know who you are is because you were never allowed to be. This is the past, but now, you can be. Look at the icon again. You are the red one, see what happens when the green one, your brain, does when you hug it? This is where you start the beginning of not wondering who you were, but embracing yourself and letting yourself be something new. This is where healing begins. First loving yourself, next, knowing that first then you begin your journey of becoming you.

People grow up thinking that they are supposed to know who they are, what they want, what profession are they going to choose. Teenagers very seldom know and really stress over it if they don't know. The truth is that we don't always know. Some people don't really know what they want to be until they open many doors and walk in different spaces until one day they are in a space or activity that feels right for them.

Can't stop Crying, stop looking for the past. Recognise that the past is passed and just because you didn't get what you needed back there, it doesn't mean that you are lost forever. So, start with this icon every day. Because what most people don't realize it that the most important person who needs to love you, is you. And for many people, they flourish very well with only that and they can be amazingly strong and even help others.

So give this advice some power FOR YOU. I give you permission to use this icon and begin your journey with someone special, who cares YOU.

Actually, this quote is originally from Fins

Very interesting article thank you for sharing.

Thanks for the link Fins!! I'm all over that paper. I printed out a copy & will be presenting it to my T this week when we meet. Maybe it'll explain things to her a little better. I, too, have felt I haven't been able to give her a clear enough picture of what goes on with me. This explains it better than what I've ever seen. Thanks again!!

Lavalamp

Well fins, I finally read the article.

You know, I had my article which also explained alot and it was funny how I needed to hang on to my article like somehow it was evidence of my own feelings that I had tried so hard to talk about and explain to others. Especially Phycologists and Psychiatrists in my most recent traumatic event. I am still very angry with all the mishandling that I experienced in both my visit at the psychward and after treatment. How much I was misread and misdiagnosed. How much I was invalidated by CURRENT doctors.

I cannot believe that when I went back to the psychiatrist with an arm full of my records dating way back. He only noted my great displeasure of my new records and that he couldn't change them. Oh, yes, he also had to discuss my appearance and what I was wearing etc. My mood was somewhat distressed. I have so much anger for him, I have written and written long letters to him that I never sent. I did write one, couldnt seem to condense it, I am constantly accused of not being able to condense enough by others. So he also mentioned my letter and also mentioned how it was single spaced and too long for him to read, didn't have the time. OK, this is supposed to be a PROFESSIONAL, someone is suppose to KNOW HIS JOB.

I was charged $500 for that last visit where I was further dismissed and invalidated. I left his office and sat in my car and cried. I have been angry now for so many days, weeks months years.

My attorney has my records. At one point, he wanted to see if I could claim the medical expense in my lawsuite with my neigbors who let their dog destroy my whole world, years of trying so hard to make up for what I didnt have.

Because my records were inacurrate I told my Lawyer that I could not claim the expense for damage. Because my neighbor would have my records and know everything about me in the view of the misdiagnoses.
I knew that it would be used to cause me further harm. I also could not believe that someone who hurt me so bad, destroyed what I DID have,
could have access to cause me further harm.

I have been stuck in a world where I just want my records CORRECT.
I know I have damage but at the VERY LEAST, could my records not express the correct DAMAGE?

My last meeting with my ATTORNEY was about just that. You know what he said, ITS TOO LATE. CRYING>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

It is not right, it should never be TOO LATE FOR VALIDATION, NEVER.

How am I ever going to HEAL IF I DONT EVER GET VALIDATED.

I wish I could find an Attorney that would fight for me, for what is right,
I AM TIRED OF BEING DISMISSED for all the effort I have made to make up for ABUSE.

No one can seem to understand WHY I AM HAVING SUCH A HARD TIME MOVING FORWARD. They all ask me WHY MUST I LUXURIATE IN MY STATE OF MIND.

The only place that has given me any comfort is coming here where others can understand WHAT IT IS that is hurting so bad.

ISN'T IT ODD THAT A PROFESSIONAL CANT DO THAT?

ISN'T IT ODD THAT PROFESSIONALS ONLY ADDED TO MY PAIN?

AND ISN'T IS ODD THAT I STILL WANT TO ADDRESS THAT, HOLD THOSE PEOPLE RESPONSIBLE FOR MISDIAGNOSING AND CAUSING ADDITIONAL PAIN?

It is pretty hard to understand that I will not be heard, it is always too late. This is wrong.

It is so hard to get up every morning, groggy from a medication that helps me sleep and relieves the terrible anxiety attacks. I hear the horses and ponies outside wanting to be fed and the dogs are waiting patiently as I sit at the computer trying to have a couple of coffee's and get the momentum going. A momentum to get up the strength to go out and see the damaged animals, the neighbor's dog out on their front stoop and them coming and going thru the right of way that goes thru my property.

I wish I could not see the mountain of bills on my table in my family room.
Every week a bill comes in that reminds me of all the expense caused by my neighbor. I have so many papers and folders in the room I sit in all addressing the last almost four years of destruction. I have to keep trying to organize them and I can't seem to do it.

I think that I NEED TO GET IT DONE. But I can't seem to KEEP DOING IT.

When I go to my attorney's he is getting old and forgetful. He told me at our last visit that maybe I am not able to hold up to the lawsuite.

Whenever I leave his office, it takes me days to get over feeling that I cant fight the fight somehow or that I didn't make enough at what I did.
He makes much more than I ever did. I can't seem to get him to realize how MUCH I DID TO MAKE UP FOR MY PAST, CONSTANT ABUSE.

I try to tell him that what I did was something that MADE MY WORLD AND MY FAMILIES WORLD a place to grow and achieve and be healthy. HOW CAN YOU PUT A PRICE ON THAT?

It is not the money that I am after. WHAT I REALLY WANT IS WHAT HAD.
What my lawyer wants is to know HOW MUCH THE EFFORT IS WORTH FOR HIM.

What my neighbor wants is to be able to trespass on my property, not be responsible for the damage they caused, and their insurance company does not want to pay anything at all. Even though they admitted that their fence was broken and that they finally only fixed it after 3 months of damaging my whole world, 20 YEARS OF HARD WORK.

It is mind boggeling to me. OVERWHELMING.

IM SORRY, I JUST NEEDED TO VENT. IT SEEMS THAT THE ONLY PEOPLE THAT LISTEN OR EVEN UNDERSTAND ARE THE PEOPLE IN HERE.

Open Eyes : I know you've referred to this when we've "talked" but i had no idea. Please accept a cyber-hug! I think that with people with our backgrounds, confrontation is the single most difficult thing to engage in. I know it certainly is for me! I mean - when were WE ever allowed to question anything??? I can't tell you how many plates of cold food I've eaten in restarents because I didn't want the waitress to "not like me" by asking her to send it back. Did that not too long ago, as a matter of fact... Workin on it...

I know a cold plate of food is nowhere near what you're dealing with but maybe both are symptoms of the same thing. That long ago it was impressed on me that I had NO WORTH. And that I was not to question - or want - or need. Things like safety - security - and the accountability of others who damaged me. Thankfully, through much effort - and the occasional bout of hopelessness - I'm JUST BEGGINNING to believe that I do, indeed, have worth. That I, too, am deserving of all the things others might take for granted. And that I'm entitled to these things - even if I have to fight for them.

As far as the "organizing" stuff - sorry. If it weren't for my wife, we'd probably be living in a tent. She takes care of ALL that stuff - and does a wonderful job at it!

Hope you hang in there! I'm one who believes in karma (child of the sixties!) And that good most often wins. I believe you'll come out of this ok - no matter what.

Lavalamp

Thank you Lava,

Reading that literature that Fin has presented had a real effect on me.

It answered a long time question for me. What was wrong with my brother? I can see now what a very little girl tryed so hard to understand. I can see what caused his tantrums the disturbed the whole family.

I can understand now why that little girl was so afraid to tell. I saw my brother endure abuse and more abuse every day. He soaked the bed, I remember that now Lava. He sucked his thumb all night and every morning his lips were swollen and bleeding. We would climb onto the bus and all the children called him big lips and they were so mean, never stopped picking on him, the teachers were no better and I could see him struggling with the mounting pain.

But I was younger than him and he had to somewhere take out all that stress. I ran and ran and hid and yet I felt so sorry for him. I now understand why he would climb onto me in a sexual manner and I could not seem to get away, I was too little, so very little and frightened. The article explains that to me for the first time.

I had a terrible anxiety attack after reading it. I had to take a pill and I don't like to take a pill during the day because I feel exhausted and cant do what I need to do. My husband comes home and doesn't understand,
why am I not better? He thinks that maybe coming here is making me worse, but it isnt that. I am already worse and trying and I am trying to only let enough in so I don't get overwhelmed. It is like I am in the water and my feet can touch the bottom but if I see to much than I step of into a place where I cannot feel the bottom and I could drown there. So, I have to go slow, a little at a time where I can still touch the bottom.

So many of us here need to feel the bottom and be careful not to step into a place where we cant feel the bottom and may drown.

I have done that all my life and that is what my family cannot understand.
I gave my daughter what I didn't have so she will never understand what it is that has caused so much damage to me. After all, she did not experience it and she had all the things she needed to become a strong person. My husband cant understand it because he is use to me helping him overcome his problem and used to me forgiving and being so strong.
And he doesn't really realize what damage his drinking did to me. Yes, I was strong but it doesn't mean it didn't hurt me.

The friends I have made here know me better than any friend I have made outside here. Because we know what it really feels like and how much pain we are in.

Yes we do -- understand. Because we've been in it - and sometimes we go back in it.

I talked with my T this morning about this site & the support - encouragement - guidance - and (I hope) friends I've found here. She is thrilled that I have found the additional support that she knew I needed. You know - I love my wife - and I can't see my life without her - but try as she might she doesn't understand what it's like to be me some days. Or understand the life that led to "me being me" on those "bad" days. Not that she doesn't try - not that she hasn't heard all the gruesome stories - she has - but because she CAN'T. Cause she didn't live it - doesn't live it sometimes still. That's why I'm so grateful to have a wonderful therapist - and why both me & her are grateful I have found this site. Cause we on this site HAVE lived those lives - know what it feels like to "be us" on those bad days. Can't get that out of a book!

Hang in there Open Eyes! Here's another "cyber hug!" Plenty more where that came from, if you need one.

We'll get there...

Lavalamp

Oh Lava, that is so sweet. I really needed that today.

It took a lot of courage to talk about my brother. I was looking for other posts all day telling me that it was ok to say it. I kept seeing people viewing and yet not posting any replies.

Sometimes Im afraid to read, I had found an article that so described me and let me touch the bottom at the same time that I wasn't ready to read Fins suggested article. But now that I have read it, I can understand how other people can relate to it and even see answers in it.

I kept a secret for many many years about my brother. And when it finally came out everyone looked at him like he was a monster. My husband especially looks at him that way. But I keep saying, he was just a child and as hard as it was for me I do know that there was something wrong with him that was made so much worse by the treatment he got.

When I told you about that chat I had with my father about my brother I did not tell my father how it hurt me too. I only wanted my father to accept that what happened to my brother was very bad. I knew my father felt remorse and at the time the abuse took place, my father and mother did try to find help to deal with my brother and they got all the wrong advice.

I haven't seen my brother for quite a few years and we never got to talk about how he hurt me. I knew that he was tormented enough and seeing therapists and going to church and trying really hard. It was never appropriate for him to receive my pain. And, he just visited my parents and I kept away so that he would have time alone with my parents. I reminded my mother not to look or comment on how obese he is. He is that way because he is still tormented and struggling. This last time, he was really obese and it was very hard for my mother to look at him. But she did do what I asker her to do, I told her to validate him and tell him how proud she was that he fought so hard and did so well in spite of his difficult past.

My parents do know what happened to me now and they are mortified. I don't think that they have really been able to accept it. And, I feel as though I have betrayed my brother. Isn't that odd. I can still see that little boy that was in so much pain and he is now a man and is still in pain.
So, as always, I do not want to add to his pain. I want him to find piece with his past. My parents are too old now to handle too much and I don't want them to suffer for something they did not know how to do any better. The tone of the house was always What to do about my Brother.

When I wrote to you about looking back and seeing the generation of parenting back then, I have done the same. You had more physical abuse than me. But, there are many of us out there. We have to look at all the angles and then find a way to live on with our pain. It is no easy task.
We all know it may be a wound that truely never goes away but, instead we have to learn how to live our lives without letting it destroy our lives.
It is a very hard task.

Thank you Lava,
It is nice to give and receive just as you say

You know it wasn't until after you mentioned to me the idea of considering where my parents came from did I give that some thought. I'm a little embarrassed to say I had never given that any serious thought...

And you know - I'm sorry my father became in essense a "farm hand" at age 6 when his mother - my grandmother - left he and my uncle with my grandfather who managed a farm downstate. I'm sure he was never shown love - softness - compassion - tenderness. He was in effect - "The Help." And I imagine living with his father wasn't very nice - considering women didn't leave their husbands in those days - even in the face of unspeakable cruelty. I mean this was 80 years ago - my dad's 85 now. "Pop-Pop" must have been awful, if my grandmother did the unthinkable back then and LEFT. And I guess wasn't allowed to take her children with her.

And I'm sorry my Mother was raised in a 2 story walk up in the Bronx - the youngest of 13 children. Raised by a single mother - her husband (my maternal grandfather) having died when my mother was 4. And I'm sorry that after her father died, my mother and her 12 siblings were rounded up and immigrated to this country from Puerto Rico by that single mother, looking for a better life. And I'm sure there wasn't much time back then for love - softness - compassion - tenderness. I'm sure it was mostly about survival.

But, you know - in spite of all those realizations - the pain of what was done to me and my brother is as fresh as if it happened a month ago. Maybe it's because I'm just now - at 57 - getting around to confronting the injuries. Maybe it's because I just got tired of acting like they didn't exist. Or maybe it's just time to do it.

I've tried a number of things in my life to make those injuries go away - alcohol, drugs, multiple marriages, self harm. I'm here to say that all I accomplished was to add to the pile. Maybe it's time to deal with that pile - start shoveling... Gotta tell ya I'd rather be at the beach!! But here I am.

Anyway - I said all that to say THANK YOU for introducing the idea to me that "they were people too." With their own pain - injuries - piles of stuff. They didn't ask for - or deserve - what happened to them. And I - WE - can stop the cycle here. I believe we are.

And maybe in the process, some measure of forgiveness might immerge.

Lavalamp

Good for you Lavalamp,

The way to healing and living with your past is to understand where it came from. You were too busy up until now running from it and looking for ways to push it away. All the things that you have mentioned are the ways that many people react to abuse. Abuse is an injury and it always brings pain. Some people have a tremendous amount of resistance to pain and others are much more sensitive.

If we are in an abusive situation, especially as a child and there is nothing at all to grab onto, well, we have no choice but to grab onto what ever we can. This is one of the things that I believe creates self destruction,
multiple personalities, constant depression, constant anxiety, hypervigilance and I could go on an on. As Fin has eloquintly stated in his quote, the foundation is very poor, not much to build on.

Though it is hard to look at the very poor foundation, I do not believe that it is a foundation that we have to keep letting crumble beneath us. We have to address and reach back to the builders of our foundations and look at the skills they had at that time and the skills and knowledge of that whole generation. And, that includes the psychologial advice and knowledge at that time too.

What you have done up to this point is live with that crumbling foundation. And, your tired of it, and so you have added a few supports by being in a better place, even a more mature place. You have some love and you look at your own children and you can see that you have managed to build better foundations for them. In doing that you put some supports in your own foundation and you are starting to address the rest of the crumbling foundation your life sits on.

The truth is Lava, we do not have to remain on the foundation that we were given or that was forced upon us. Whenever you try to rebuild a foundation, you will always see the rubble you are replacing and some of that rubble will crumble on top of you as you proceed to rebuild. It can hit you and hurt you. But, you must remember that you ARE rebuilding.
And, at the same time you are dealing with a pile of rubble. It is not easy to rebuild a crumbling foundation, you have to place the new support system very carefully Lava, or anyone else who comes to read this.

Because many people started with a crumbling, weak, leaky, foundation,
they actually have no idea how a good foundation is even built. So, you do a the very least, have to look at the weak support system and ask
someone who can give you some ideas on where to put some support and help you deal with the old rubble that falls down and hits you.

That is what I did for you Lava, and whenever I see it in other peoples posts, I try see where they are leaking and give them some pointers.
But you must know, everyone here must know that the foundations they have ARE NOT THEIR FAULT. And, THEY CAN REBUILD and it is OK to talk about the leaks and the weak points and get advice.

Everyone here is taking on a task towards rebuilding their foundations.
YOU ALL HAVE TO REALIZE THAT IT DOES TAKE TIME. But, you can put enough supports in so that the RUBBLE you sit on, doesn't keep crumbling and hurting you. YOU JUST HAVE TO RECOGNIZE WHAT YOU ARE DOING AND THAT IT IS OK TO REBUILD. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO ACCEPT A FOUNDATION THAT SOMEONE ELSE BUILT. DON'T BE AFRAID TO REBUILD,
IT IS YOUR RIGHT TO DO SO.

When I think of Fins article and how it effected me, it made me recognize some things. When I read it I saw a tremendous amount of rubble and it overwhelmed me. I spoke of how I was in the water and I somehow needed to feel the bottom and how I worry about stepping into a deep spot and drowning. Inevitably we do step in spots that are over our heads and we feel like we are drowning. We begin swimming aimlessly and experience anxiety and fear and even exhaustion. It can last for a day or a week and even longer. Until we find the ground again, something that we can touch and we feel some sort of safety. And when that happens sometimes we are afraid to go anywhere because we couldn't feel the bottom for a while and we were frightened.

It is ok, everyone experiences that, it is a part of life and we cannot let it ruin our lives. So, my advice is to use that as only a referance and keep moving forward and just take it easy touching the ground. Sometimes you have to learn how to float a little when you can't feel the ground under you. I takes practice and learning how NOT TO PANIC.

When I come here I see different age groups and how they are all pondering over their foundations. A young teenager who has a little foundation and maybe the parents that started it were not really good at building foundations. But they are still young enough to add some good support. BUT, they often ask the wrong people, piers. And, they often see piers that seem to have a more solid foundation because what is on top looks pretty level. Sorry, there are leaks there that they cannot see.

It is better to find someone older that has some real experience in good foundation building. You do have to learn to listen and you also have to learn to say, I don't understand could you explain it better? You also have to let the good foundation builder know where you are leaking the most or at least show them where the puddle is. Then, you have to let them help you. You have to give it time, you cannot take short cuts building a good foundation, it is tedious work, but, it will be a stronger base to build on and grow on.

For the ones that are approaching 20 and are in their 20's, guess what,
you may think that your foundation is solid but it is not. You may feel that by this time your foundation HAS TO BE SOLID, let that idea go, YOUR WRONG. You are still building and even if there are strong points to it you will still need some more supports, that will come with time and an open mind.

For the ones in their 30's well, congrats, you made it thru the 20's but
you are still going to have to re-examine some of that foundation your sitting on. Sometimes, someone else puts a leak in your foundation and you are going to have to find ways to patch it back up again. And you are still going to find places in your foundation that you didn't quite build strong enough.

And for those approaching mid life, you will start seeing more of the weak spots and you are beginning to recognize that you will be addressing different leaks as long as you live.

So, what I am saying here is that there is always going to be some rubble and some of it we put there ourselves. And there is always going to be some leaks too. Some of us have a lot of rubble but it doesn't mean we are bad people, at any one of the above points in life, the leaks and the rubble does not mean we are bad people. We are only bad if we use anger as a way to address a leak, it doesn't work, it only makes it worse.
We are only bad if we see our own leaks and get angry and decide to poke holes in the foundations of others. It is always better to ask others for pointers on how to address our own leaks.

Someone has said that even though they have their own vegetable/fruit garden, it is always more fun to sneak into the neighbor's garden and steal his fruit, it always seems to taste better. I say, if a neighbor has tastier fruit, than why not kindly ask how he or she makes that fruit sweeter. And share the wisdom of the good fruit together.

Thanks Open Eyes. Many things to think about. It's funny. When I met with my T this week, she mentioned that we have spent the last 3 years building the "foundation" - and now it's time to start adding the floorboards and begin to build the house. Ironic how you & she used the same metaphor, huh?

We'll get there.

Lavalamp

(((((Fins)))))

This forum is a chance to see that what exists for me isn't just a lone experience.
I read all the input and go betwen cryiong and saying "That's it! You said it!"
One of my main abusers is dying. My T thinks I should go to the funeral for "closure" but I am scared. Has anyone done this and how did it go. I'm panicky about it.

Hippie : One of my abusers was my mother. She died 3 years ago. Of course I went to the funeral. Supported my brother & father (another abuser) and the rest of the cousins, etc. I felt NO sadness during the day. To this day I haven't shed a tear for her. I know this sounds terrible - I feel like a terrible son for being this way - but it's the truth. I've been to the gravesite only once in 3 years to lay a wreath at XMAS the first year "cause your supposed to." Haven't been near it since. And far from giving me closure - it actually was the event that got me into therapy in the first place. Perhaps our situations are different - your further along in your processing of the abuse.

Whatever you decide, I hope some day you can come to a peaceful place with some of the past.

BTW LOVE the name!!

Lavalamp

Hippie I'm glad you don't feel alone in this anymore

Each of us must do what feels right for us at the time-- if your T. knows you well and feels that it's best for you to go-- then maybe you should give it some consideration. also realize that T. is not you though, you should do what you "feel" is what you can do.

most of the ones that abused me are still alive-- just the father and a sister have passed.... I went to both of their memorials. (they were both cremated, with their ashes scattered-- sister down her favorite "strip" , and father near a river). I have never went back to visit either site-- it's been 10+ years for both. I did what I felt I could do to keep things balanced in my soul.... I hope you too will do what will help keep the balance for you.

It's very tough-- if you need to talk-- I'm here.

best to you
fins

Lavalamp,
Your not going to the gravesite dosen't sound "terrible" to me. It sounds like putting distance, physical and psychological between yourself and what was horrendous.
I don't think I'll go to the funeral. Find myself thinking I'd go just to please my T and that probably isn't what T had in mind. Know that Hospice is there so my father is comfortable and that's what I want. Just to know he'll pass quietly and I'll be left alone.

Hippie,

My stepmother died about 18 months ago. She heavily emotionally abused me as a teen, and after my father died our contact with each other was minimal. In the last 10 years we spoke for 10 min. once a week by phone but I never physically saw her. The 10 min. a day was a "be nice to old people" thing.

When she died, I thought I should go to the funeral. It would have been the socially "accepted" thing to do, and I wanted to support my stepsister who has been very supportive to me through the years. I even booked time off work, and booked a hotel room. Then the day before I was scheduled to leave for Ottawa I was driving home and I was reviewing what I had to pack. I realized I was mentally packing a cutting kit, and booze (I'm an alcoholic). I realized that if I went, it would be bad for me emotionally, and I'd either relapse, self injure, or both. So I didn't go. Instead I gave money to the cancer society which was her daughter's wish and wrote a polite letter of condolence to her daughter and grandchildren saying I was sorry but I simply couldn't be there. That was absolutely the right decision for me.

Do what your gut tells you.

--splitimage

Splitimage,
Your kind donation saved others and also sounds as if it really saved you.
My inner gut says "don't". Guess I do not see a closure thing happening, only rememberance of what did pass. I'm going to be very selfish and be where I am. Safe

Hmmm.... very interesting. Although I feel this applies to PTSD in general. I feel that one looses the ability to process after a traumatic event in general. I myself have had childhood issues leading to PTSD, but my brother who once did fine coping has PTSD from war now can be "normal" in every way possible aside from the coping with his emotions. But given he also was raised with the same negligent parents, the trauma later in his life triggered whatever they enforced.