[KJtheKilljoy]

I can't seem to escape the flashback's at the moment. Im living at home with my parents which is where my brother raped me and im sleeping in the room where it happened. A lot of the time I end up crashing on the couch because sometimes I just can't bear to go in the room. Everytime i walk in there I can see it. feel it happeneing all over again and I end up with a panic attack. my brother doesn't live with us anymore but he ring's everyday and my family mentions him all the time. I refuse to answer any call's from him but it doesn't help knpwing that he is the one of the other end of the line. But I can't sleep in the lounge all the time becuse my parents have started to ask questions that im not ready and scared to admit. I told my parents about my brother raping me when i was 13 and in foster care but they did not believe me and my Dada ended up throwing a chair across the room and my Mama said that I could stay in foster care because they didn't want me and then last year after a huge argument with my Mama about why I hate my brother my Mama said that if he can forgive me for accusing him of raping me then I can forgive him for whatever it is he did to me. That made me realise that my parents still don't believe me and that there isn't anything I can do or say at the moment to get them to listen to me. I've been thinking about writing them a letter or just telling them but im scared of what they may say or do, if they will believe me or not and if it goes badly for me im scared that I will turn to suicide again. Im self harming to cope with the flashbacks and nightmares but its getting to the point where I have to cut deeper to get any relief. I don't know what to do to make myself ok again. I can't tell them without risking my own safety at the moment and I can't leave home, i have been looking for flats for a year now and haven't found anything so far. Im scared that someday soon my parents are going to see me while im having a panic attack or find out that im cutting again. Im also scared that during an argument with my Mama or Dada im going to tell them in a fit of anger. I can't tell them but I also can't continue to live like that, im falling hard and fast and can't seem to do anything to stop it. I have talked to my private therapist and she has re-referred me back to Adult Mental Health in NZ and I have my first appointment next week and she is also referring me to an ACC Sexual Abuse counseller and I hope that will help but I don't know how im supposed to talk about it, tell them what he did to me which I know is something I am going to need to do. I have been with my private therapist since I was 15 and all I have managed to tell her is that my brother raped me at least once a week for six months when I was eight, i haven't gone into any details and im scared of whats going to happend to me when i do. I don't know how to put into words what he did. Im scared that im going to fall ever further and lose hope and attempt suicide before I even get to the appointment with the Adult Mental Health team. Im scared that it's going to happen within the next few day's and I know I need to tell someone who can help me but im scared of what my parents are going to do or say if i do end up asking for help and end up in hospital again. My parents are having their own problems and they seem to fighting more after then not and I don't want to worry them with what is happening to me. I don't trust them and I feel like thay don't love me, that they choose my brother over me but I can't help but feeling selfish about wanting help when it will only serve to worry and hurt them. Help...

[skeksi]

This is a very difficult situation and I'm sorry you are stuck in it. being in that house, retraumatized, when no one believes you is awful. No wonder you are hurting so bad.

What has your T said about telling your parents? If you do want to try to tell them again, it might be best to do it in the T's office. But you'll have to weigh the pros and cons of telling them, how it might help or hurt your current situation. I'm sorry things are so hard right now. I hope the new referrals are helpful to you.

[lost girl]

First please do not take your own life. You are not alone. I too have the same experience as you only it was not my family member who put me through this. I was diagnosed with ptsd and it is really messing with me mentally. I can relate you feel lost sad and used up. If your parents do not beileve you then that is not fair. It is because they do not want to come to terms with it themselves. Someone somewhere loves you and needs you and would be devistated without you. I feel the same as you I am coping with a series of unwanted irrational thoughts and a bunch of other evil that comes along with being a survivor of this vicious act. If you are spiritual seek Jesus. He wants you and loves you no matter what you have been through. Please just hang in there I promise things are going to let up for you soon. All we can do is keep the hope. I also want you to know that this is in no way your fault you did not ask for any of this. I really hope this helps and I hope you are doing better very soon. Sincerely I really do I do not even know you and I care about you enough to write this so that has got to say something.