PTSD / Dad

::raises hand::

My dad's also real big on the whole "I provided for you" shtick. I need to keep reminding myself what a cheap cop-out that is for a guy who was making 200, 300, 400 thousand dollars a year while beating and taunting me for amusement. And the speaking Japanese thing just about sums up every conversation I've ever had with him.

I had a really hard time cutting my mother loose. Kept going back for more abuse from her. In hindsight it was a delusional attempt to get the approval and love I thought I could get if I just stopped being unworthy of it. Probably would still be trapped there if she hadn't joined a cult and made my attendance a requirement for further contact.

Sorry, I'm getting sidetracked by my own B.S. now. Really just wanted to say thanks for sharing, Lavalamp, you helped me feel not as alone in this. And it's heartening to see you working through this -- it gives me hope that progress is possible, even if "it's a process".

I am sorry nothing clever.

I had a conversation with my father tonite and we did talk about my experiences growing up. He was surprised at what he didn't know. But he did admit that in his day there really was no understanding in how to raise children, no training.

He does admit that he did not want his children to be problem children thus the strict upbringing. He does admit that he does recognize now his failings. But we both agreed that he really didnt have any type of training and real knowledge about raising children.

Now I don't know how old you are but it is important to not internalize the lack of love and understanding you lacked by growing up. I can see by your discription that it was not an ideal childhood. And today, now that there is more recognition on raising children, not enough by far yet, you are seeing the mistakes made by your parents.

No, money does not buy a good parent thats for sure. As Lava puts it, he missed having a daddy, not the man that was his father. That was a big thing for him to conclude. He has recognized that the man that was his father will never be the daddy he wanted and he has been morning and learning how to accept that and move on with his life.

And sorry to say that is your goal as well. You cant change who your parents were and you can't spend the rest of your life internalizing it and blaming yourself for another persons shortcomings, even if it means it is a parent or even both parents.
They were ignorant, it had nothing to do with any lack in you. They did not fulfill their responsiblity in actually raising you, they were most likely self absorbed and just plain ignorant.

You can over come that nothing clever. You can only change your own perception and remember that they were unqualified to be good nurturing parents. And you now must realize that it had absoulely nothing to do with wether you were deserving or not. You did deserve as a human being to be recognised and treated with respect as a growing human being, they failed, not you.

Open Eyes

Thanks, Open Eyes.

It sounds like you had a productive conversation with your father; I'm happy for you.

I started a more thorough reply, since you brought up a lot of good points and touched on a lot of issues for me, but I don't want to threadjack Lavalamp's conversation further. You gave me a good jumping-off point to start a thread about my own issues. I've been up for ~33 hours, so it's probably time to sleep. But it's on my agenda for tomorrow.

Thanks again.