[Gracey]

I feel really weird posting this, but I don't feel like I can talk to my counselor anymore about this, and I can't really talk to my friend about it. I am stressing over it really badly, and at the same time trying desperately not to sabotage something that is obviously good for me and a wonderful budding friendship.

I have this new friend. . .for maybe the last six months or so. "Kim" is a very sweet person, and we are compatible in many, many ways. We like the same books, the same movies, the same kinds of music. We have a lot of similar interests, and are both happily married. The problem is this, Kim is very . . .I don't know. . .normal? She doesn't push me much, knowing I don't like to be touched, but she DOES give me a hug when she sees me, and often she will still hug even when she feels me tense up. She told me once, "Might as well relax cause I ain't letting go." I have talked to my T about this, and he says she is good exposure therapy. LOL Sounds like a daggum shrink, eh? If I tell her, "Please don't touch me" she won't. She knows when NOT to touch me, and when to push beyond my walls and love on me anyway.

Here's the sick thing - I don't know if I can actually say this. Grrrr. . .I LIKE it. I love the safe feeling I experience in the circle of her arms. It isn't a sexual thing, please don't think that. But, somehow, I know she isn't going to hurt me, and I know she doesn't have ulterior motives to her affection. We see each other at church, and when I get out of the car and head into the building, I am struggling b/t fearing that she is going to hug me, and CRAVING her hug. Why do I crave something that sometimes is so uncomfortable? I don't know. . .maybe I am really bonkers. I don't know how to talk to T about this anymore.

[(JD)]

It sounds pretty ok to me.. what you are sharing as to how you're feeling. I'm glad you mentioned it with your T, and maybe you need to chat about it some more? I mean, just expressing something once doesn't usually take care of all the thoughts and emotions involved. And, if you can talk to your friend some about it.

Feeling safe in a safe- someone's arms is a good thing. It's ok to have some reservations though... really. Learning to trust and learning who you can trust is hard work. I think you are doing pretty goon with this. TC

[Gracey]

I just hate feeling so. . .not normal. Its like, sometimes it's ok, really. I am comfortable with who I am and how I feel, and I have no problem expressing myself with her. Then other times, I don't know. . .I feel like I am walking on eggshells, trying to understand how I'm feeling and what I'm supposed to do.

[greenfairy]

i understand how hard it can be. sometimes i feel like my brain and body just don't agree. i hate to be touched and yet sometimes, even knowing what it triggers i just crave it. and so i sit there, indecisive, wondering how anyone in the world could be so incredibly messed up, and then i just say okay, because its human, because its something that just makes life worth living, the way it feels to have someone hold you. and sometimes you get lucky because when they do, you feel safe (and then maybe later you freak out ) but its worth it for that moment of warmth and security.
I hope that helps some.