Safe

I could tell that the handwriting on the envelope was my mother's handwriting. I heard myself going "Oh god oh god" a few times then managed to slow myself down and think more clearly. Told myself supportive peaceful things.

She cut off all contact with me and my son back in 1984. At first I tried to communicate with her, suggested therapy for us both etc., eventually while in therapy myself realized that it was good that she was gone.

So this is the first contact in all this time from my very abusive mom. No letter inside the mailed envelope, just four black and white photos of me as child.

Yuck. I felt calm afterwards yesterday, slept okay, now this evening things are hitting me. So I'm looking through the Grounding Techniques article again and applying some.

I am safe, here now. If actual danger came to my door, if my mother shows up at my door, I don't have to answer it. I can call the police for help if I want to.

I can breathe and relax my shoulders. The hot bath I just took felt good, helps me feel contained and relaxed. If need be I have resources to turn to, I can call the crisis line, I also could start up therapy again.

I have a favorite rock to hold. I can do a safe place visualization before I go to sleep. I have a distracting book I can read. I'm going to use the visual of a Stop sign if thoughts and images get intrusive.

All my emotions are okay, including the fact that I feel angry. And writing all this down here helps too.

Sarah, I bet this sounds really weird but I would LOVE to see pics of me as a child because it's hard for me to imagine I was ever an inocent loveable child. See those pictures and see her eyes and remember and know you are a growned up kid now. I envy you the pics, did you have long or short hair? School pics? who were you then? Hope questions okay.

Doesn't sound weird at all. The photos are of a range of ages and I do already have copies of most of them. I guess my own challenge is where they come from.

Sarah, wonderful use of the skills you've learned and have adopted to help cope!

I simply CAN'T imagine what your body and mind must've felt seeing that handwriting. WHEW.

You are such an inspiration.

KD

.......the pen is mightier than the sword....... I know what you mean about recognizing handwriting on envelopes........ good job coping. Whatever she meant by sending them, at least you got the pix.