[cc88]

Hi,

New here. I began reading last month and decided to dive in today.

I was diagnosed with PTSD after being brutally sexually assaulted in Sept 2009. Since then, I have struggled with alcohol, depression, self harm, insomnia, etc. My symptoms have slowly gotten better over time, and I feel like I have worked extremely hard to survive all of this. I am still triggered occasionally, however, and rarely get more than 4 hours of sleep a night.

I had recently begun to feel safer, less in danger/dangerous. I had been sober for 2 months until I went out with a friend the other night and she disclosed that she had also been molested as a child and then raped as a young adult. When I learned this, a part of me sort of snapped. I ended up getting ridiculously drunk and then went home and embarrassed myself. I vomited, was an insufferable, melodramatic mess, and forced my boyfriend to keep watch over me the night before Thanksgiving. My mother in law was also present, and my boyfriend is so hurt and angry that he has requested space. I can barely stand the embarrassment, sorrow, and guilt I feel over what happened. And yet I understand why it happened completely.

I am sure that all of this is too much, that I've asked too much of the people closest to me. I have struggled with what happened for the past two years and my issues with alcohol are well known. This isn't new behavior; I have gone through periods of calm and then lost it several times before. I can't explain exactly what happens to me. It's almost as though the pressure of coping, of living, wells up to a point that if I am triggered, I snap. It has severely, perhaps irreparably, damaged my relationship, and I have to wonder what kind of person I am now. I mean well, I truly believe that I have good intentions. I try to function, I go to school. But then stuff like this happens and all the effort put into trying to make myself a better, saner person goes to waste. The people closest to me are hurt. I feel like a monster. I don't know how to control it, I don't know how to cope with it. When the trigger happens, it's like I'm not me anymore. And it terrifies me. My boyfriend said that a relationship can't exist without trust. And how can anyone trust me when I can't trust myself?

[shezbut]

((cc88))

I'm sorry that you're having a tough time.

As you probably already know, alcoholics really can't have just one or two drinks. Whether you've been sober for 2 months or 20 years, one or two isn't enough...and you pay the price for giving into the temptation.

Unfortunately, being triggered by another person's past is a reality. I'd recommend trying out the distress tolerance techniques, especially in the times of extreme distress.

DBT, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, can be especially helpful with tips on making it through. http://www.dbtselfhelp.com has lots of information & a great source for tips, like those listed below.

In DBT, there are four categories of Distress Tolerance strategies. These are:
Distracting
Self-Soothing
Improving the Moment
Focusing on the Pros and Cons

These are strategies that short circuit or help you to cope with overwhelming negative emotions or intolerable situations. They take a lot of practice, but as you get the hang of using some of these techniques, you will see your relationship to the negative emotions and intolerable feelings change. (This was the most amazing thing about DBT for me, that things I though could never change or that I could never learn to deal with did become better.)

It takes time and practice, and so I urge you to give the techniques plenty of practice. You will find some things work better than others for you. And you will find that some things don't work at first, but over time and practice you will see some results.

Self-Soothing Techniques

Some of us may recognize these techniques as things that we already use. But many of us have never learned how to self-soothe, how to do those often simple things that makes us feel better. These are mostly very physical techniques, that use different body senses. Some of us have never had the feeling that we could do things to make ourselves feel better, calmer, feel relaxation or pleasure. I urge you to experiment with these techniques until you find some that are comfortable and helpful for you. And when you find these, practice them. Use them when you are feeling distressed, when emotions feel overwhelming, when situations feel like you can't stand them any more. Instead of doing something that hurts you, try something that gives you pleasure and comfort,

SELF-SOOTHING has to do with comforting, nurturing and being kind to yourself. One way to think of this is to think of ways of soothing each of your five senses:
Vision
Hearing
Smell
Taste
Touch

VISION:
Walk in a pretty part of town. Look at the nature around you. Go to a museum with beautiful art. Buy a flower and put it where you can see it. Sit in a garden. Watch the snowflakes decorate the trees during a snowfall. Light a candle and watch the flame. Look at a book with beautiful scenery or beautiful art. Watch a travel movie or video.

HEARING:
Listen to beautiful or soothing music, or to tapes of the ocean or other sounds of nature. Listen to a baby gurgling or a small animal. Sit by a waterfall. Listen to someone chopping wood. When you are listening, be mindful, letting the sounds come and go.

SMELL:
Smell breakfast being cooked at home or in a restaurant. Notice all the different smells around you. Walk in a garden or in the woods, maybe just after a rain, and breathe in the smells of nature. Light a scented candle or incense. Bake some bread or a cake, and take in all the smells.

TASTE:
Have a special treat, and eat it slowly, savoring each bite. Cook a favorite meal. Drink a soothing drink like herbal tea or hot chocolate. Let the taste run over your tongue and slowly down your throat. Go to a potluck, and eat a little bit of each dish, mindfully tasting each new thing.

TOUCH:
Take a bubble bath. Pet your dog or cat or cuddle a baby. Put on a silk shirt shirt or blouse, and feel its softness and smoothness. Sink into a really comfortable bed. Float or swim in a pool, and feel the water caress your body.

Discussion

Many of us may feel like we don't deserve these comforts, and may find it hard to give pleasure to ourselves in this way. Do you have these feelings?

Some of may also expect this soothing to come from other people, or not want
to do it for ourselves. Have you experienced this feeling?

You may feel guilty about pleasuring yourself in this way. It may take some practice to allow yourself to experience these pleasures. These are really simple human pleasures that everyone has a right to, and that will give us some good tools to use when we are feeling bad.

Exercises

Try at least one of these self-soothing exercises this week. You may want to choose a whole group of things, say all the visual things, or you may want to choose a single thing to try. As you do what you have chosen, do it mindfully. Breathe gently, and try to be fully in the experience, whether it is walking in the woods or watching a flower or taking a bubble bath or smelling some fresh-baked bread.

As you begin to overcome your feelings that perhaps you do not deserve this, or guilt, and start to enjoy one or more of these activities, you will be learning very useful tools to help you deal with negative feelings and difficult situations.

Gentle hugs sent your way.

[Open Eyes]

C88, are you working with a therapist? If you have PTSD due to this trama, you really can't fix this on your own, you would truely benefit from getting therpy and being open and honest like you are here. You can learn how to cope better. Often PTSD doesn't appear right after a trama, can actually come out as much as a year later. You need to keep yourself in check with therapy.

((((Hugs))))

[kaliope]

cc88
Open Eyes is right, therapy is definately the answer. The pattern you describe is typical of PTSD and will continue until you work thru your trauma in therapy. The technique Shezbut describes is a great one for learning how to manage your emotions. EMDR is also an excellent tool. I have PTSD and I just took an intro to DBT group and feel it did wonders for my emotional health. You will not be able to stuff or forget about what happened to you. As long as you try, you will continued to be triggered and have your life fall apart around you. This will continue to hurt those you love.

I know the idea of working this out in therapy sounds scary and painful but it is so well worth the time to be free of it rather than letting it tear apart the rest of your life.

Be strong. You can do this. Hugs.

[likewater]

Cc88, im sorry you had such a crummy Thanksgiving. I agree with all the above advice, and just want to add the way you acted was only human. Dont beat yourself up. Sending you hugs as well.

[skeksi]

I know exactly the kind of situation you are describing. I would all into the same cycle, but with self-harm. It was horrible. I didn't want a counselor because I knew what was happening and why already. I thought, "If I could just CONTROL myself, I would stop acting this way and be okay." But sharing the cycle with someone else (and I enacted it and shared it a lot!) made it possible for me to recognize the pattern in the moment. After I got used to recognizing it, I could begin changing my behavior and do something different.

cc88, I know you are hurting. Do you know that? You are hurting badly, that's why you're not sleeping and that's why you're drinking and that's why you are ashamed of what you did, when you did the very best you could in the moment. There is hope for healing out there, healing past where you are now. Keep reaching out.

[moxielady64]

I saw a couple of people recommend therapy. I totally agree. Without it I would still be living on the streets. The memories will always be there. With help though you can learn to live or cope with those memories. There were a couple of suggestion for DBT and EMDR, both of which can be very effective in helping you cope with the trauma. The healing has to start within you before you can fix the issues around you. Find some help if you haven't already.

[Crew]

I agree and I feel you need a guide/therapist. Well said shebut!

to PC cc88

cc88 keep talking it out get ya a T and believe it is possible to get better!

I've got your back............ Crew