The sea! I adore the sea. The secrets that it holds. Its different sounds like the voice of an enchantress carries stories, mysteries, hidden world of magical power. Its color, its gentleness, its fury, its beauty. Its unique smell that touches me enterelly like a dream to be mine.

But, I have a fear inside me. I'm scare of drowning. I'm even scare to be on a boat. How ridiculous is that?

Sometime, just for a few seconds, I have like a flashback. I don't know if it's a flashback or what it is. But I see myself under water, stuck, trapped, drowning. In this flashback I am but a child. I don't know if in my past I was stuck under water or if someone was trying to drown me but I would really like to know. I would really like to remember if this really happened so I could deal with it, accept it and move on. Not to be scare anymore of the sea. The sea that is always calling my name. The sea that I love.

time0

no i am the one who is ridiculous a stupid ridiculous worthless s**t

Oh, no you're not! I have a certain kind of love to the sea too. But I'm also scared of the sea. Can see myself drowning... The sea is something very special and you know what?! So are YOU!

blue water on mother earth
sun is rising in the east
slightly reflecting on the surface of the sea
a calmness- can almost here it
the haze is yet to be seen
there!
listen!
a seagull screaming high high up in the sky
did you see that?!
a fish jumping up, then down to the great blue
a new day is dawning

[(JD)]

It's PTSD.

[pegasus]

Definately Not ridiculous!

It does sound like a flashback.

Safe hugs
((((((((((((((((((( time0 )))))))))))))))

[bipolar_bear]

((((((((((((((((time0)))))))))))))) It sounds like a flashback. I hope you find the healing you are seeking. The sea is a wonderful place and I can understand why you like it so much.

Thank you!

May you all find kindness in your daily life!

Oh my gosh!!!-- It's as if you are me!!!

I so adore the sea.... it's gentleness filled with beautiful delicate life, yet it has a fury which can rip up a ship that requires respect. I've never had the fortune to have lived near the sea-- perhaps it's best this way, as I would find it extremely difficult to stay away from it's moist breezes and ignore it's hypnotic breaths it takes as each wave pulls at the sand only to roll it back on to the beach. It seems so innocent and peaceful yet has a mysterious darkness that I fear and respect.

I'm also afraid of drowning-- not only because I helplessly watched someone drown but also because:

I fell off a raft once when I was with an older brother in a lake. I was 6 and couldn't swim-- he was 16 and could stand with his head just above the water. He tried to climb in the raft, it tipped over and I fell out. Flailing about, I quickly started sinking......then something gripped my arm and pulled me up out of the water..... as I gasped and chocked, I could hear my brother laughing hysterically!!

I never went near the water with him ever again!

I don't think your fear is ridiculous at all. A boat can be scary to many people. Perhaps you have repressed a memory or it could also be that you've seen drownings on movies -- (those can be so realistic!!-- I can't watch them because they seem so real!) -- or maybe even on the news..???

Please try not to be hard on yourself......

I have learned to swim and over came some of the fear, by believing that the water I'm around is my "friend". Maybe that sounds a bit simple or silly...... just thought I would share..... in case it could work for you too.

Time0--

mandy

[(JD)]

It's not ridiculous to be afraid of drowning if you can't swim. The ocean can be lovely, or treacherous. PTSD causes us to feel stuck, trapped, tracked, watched, etc.

It could be a flashback. Go easy on yourself. The memory will come when you're ready for it.

So much of my memory is blocked. I know it is to protect myself that I block but do I have to block everything.

I'm also not visual at all. I go by sounds. Some years ago when my mother had her own house she would changes the curtains or her furnutures and when I would go visit her she would asked me" What do you think?" Oh dear, what do I think? about what? what did she had there before? Then she would get real mad at me for not having noticed what she had in her apartment before and after, telling me I was a lost cause. I simply don't noticed things. It's not important to me. Sounds, feelings, that, is important to me. Husband thinks I'm a lost cause too. Well, I think they are right. But, right now, I am on a different subjet.

I still can't block what happened last june though. This is one I wish I could. Every details is printed on my mind. There I go again, different subjet. I better shut up.

Thank you!