[Cotton ball]

Today I don't have many words but I will try. I had wanted to post last night but was so filled with sadness, anger and pure rage I couldn't. Yes I actually felt the rage and had no way to communicate with it inside of me.
Yesterday I was triggered badly and left with such a loss of heart and soul I didn't know what to do.
My little one had his 1 1/2 check up yesterday..after 5 minutes of examination with the pediatrian I was told he should have early intervention for speech delay. Apparently by this age, according to doc children should be talking and know body parts. Thats nonsence!! My little one speaks a few words and is very intelligent. I tried to speak to the pediatrician about MY concerns about his highly active personality. They were ignored. I don't know if my son is behaving in a normal manner. Is it the beginning of the 2's? Why does he want to run, jump and climb but not cuddle or sit still to read a book. Is that normal? My questions and concerns were ignored and they were in fact very valid. As a parent I wanted answers...none were given.
I waited until we got into the car and started crying because I felt like such a failure. To compound things a VERY toxic family member called and I told her what the doc had said. Her response was cruel, she is cruel, she said doc was right and I need to spend more time working/teaching my son things..she said by that age I was speaking, could count to 10 and knew my ABC's, but thats because she spent the time to teach me those things. It was a jab at my parenting skills...I had to laugh and thought ohh yeah thats right my childhood was spent in foster and group homes because you were such a loving and caring parent. Thanks for the advise Mom.
My mother is a cruel and external toxin whos primary purpose is to control and manipulate me. She is very high in N traits and would easily discard me once a new person could fill her void. It's only after a failed relationship that she has re-entered my life. I see now how dangerouse she is for my well being. I see now how my past and abusive relationship can be linked to her presence back into my life. There are patters and corrolations I see and recognize now.
So what do I do? How can I change this so I can focus again on the real issues of my life? Boundaries are not respected, even the mildest ones set. I fear her wrath, I fear her manipulation, I fear her. However I do not have the strength to go no contact with her. That would unleash a furry and add MUCH unnecessary drama to my already confusing life. This is something I cannot deal with right now. I honestly can't. It would be to much to handle at the moment. I keep telling myself to hold on, I'm going to find a job soon, make new friends, I will be ok. This makes me so upset because I am entirely to old to be having such issues with a family member. A terrible and toxic one at that.
I am lost and feel so alone. I have no real friends. I have cut ties with toxic people (excluding Mom) and as a result am left alone. No one gets me, and theres no way they could. I feel as though no matter how hard i work I am not seeing any results..emotionally and finacially. I don't know what to do or how to move forward. I try...I try so hard...and feel that with every positive step forward there are 10 steps kicking me back.
I once stated that I don't hate, that was a lie. I do hate many things, people and their horrible and cruel actions. What is hate? Is it a feeling of loss and misundering? Is it anger for not being understood or hurt? I don't know.
I am beginning to see my truth and I am not liking what I am seeing. Is it just a process, part of the journey? I am not liking this. I wish I could make it stop. I wish I could close the doors of myself that I thought needed to be examined..and just move freely thoughout life. I wish I could be a sellfish and hateful person. Life must be so easy for those people...
I don't know. I am just feeling at a loss and more confused than ever.

[Trippin2.0]

I'm sorry you've been triggered and hurt so deeply CB. And that Dr is a douchebag, kids develop at their own pace if they didn't then there'd be a manual, yes they measure milestones, but children are individuals, my daughter didn't crawl or teethe until quite late, and I assure you, 8yrs later she's an intelligent young girl, Your baby is still a baby, savour this time. My brother spoke full sentences by 10months, my nephew on the other hand is only using sentences after 2yrs. The difference between these very similar characters? My nephew's not slow, he just didn't have a need for real words bcoz his parents understood him as is... Be patient with yourself and your little one. From the little I know about you, I know you're being the best mother you can be, and that in itself, is the best gift you can give your child.
.
Its not easy being alone, sometimes it's downright unbearable, but that's why I love this place, so many people, who care and understand...
.
I don't have ptsd, but I understand suffering, please keep posting be kind to yourself.

[Open Eyes]

((((Cotton ball)))))

Oh I am sorry that you are having such a bad day. You learned a lesson, "dont bother asking your mother for advice". And she is comparing you to a little boy and it is a known fact that little boys develope at a slower pace, and yes, they tend to have less abilty to sit quiet and do the mommy me things little girls do.

Some little boys are more active and need to burn off extra energy and they tend to burn bright during the day, often don't care for naps and zonk out at night. So, yes they often require more energy and attention to raise.

He is after all only a year and a half? Perhaps give him some time and it may not be a bad idea to look into speach intervention as if you CAN get involved with that, it would not be of any harm.

Please, don't feel like you are a bad mother, children take time to figure out, expecially little boys. Maybe see if you can program your days where you take him someplace, a playground where he can burn off his energy. Maybe then you can build up his ability to sit quiet in your lap for a little bit. Maybe you can also rock him at night if he is very tired and ready to sleep just to get him used to cuddling with you.

If you are still concerned, maybe see if you can find another pediatrician for a second opinion.

(((((Hugs))))
Open Eyes

[Cotton ball]

Thank you. Yes, I do wish life and parenting came with manuals. I've read the books but real life application is very different. I just want to be a good mother...and don't feel I have a solid background that taught me the "right" set of skills.
I can only work with what I have and try to improve on the other areas as I see them.
I was angry at the doc for not listening to me and brushing away my concerns...I feel they were valid. Regardless, speech therapy certainly can't hurt.
I am angry at myself for not being a better mother...i really do try. I have done the very best I can in the only ways I know how. It's been a very rough year and a half so my little one hasn't had the "happy" upbriging he deserves. ..but I try. He is a happy child so that must mean something.
I am so angry at his father for putting us through this living hell.
..and most importantly I am angry at my mother. She will not seek psychiatric help, and I'm not sure how much longer I can continue this unhealthy relationship. Regardless, life continues. So I will try. I just can't do it all at once. Something needs to give.
I really like the idea of holding him when he is tired and ready for bed...I usually do this while reading to him. I've tried to establish a consistant routine but I think it's time to change it up a little. Maybe I just need to do this when he is sleepy and doesn't have so much energy in him.
Thank you.
Cotton

[di meliora]

You and your son are in my thoughts, Cotton.

[Amazonmom]

I think your son sounds pretty normal. My daughter didn't like to use words until she was over 2, but at 3 her language skills are much ahead of her peers. She may get to start kindergarten early because of that!

I'm sorry the doc didn't spend more time with you. In big cities there are developmental pediatricians you can visit if you have concerns.

I'm sorry your mom is abusive.

[nicoleb2]

I wondered about my now 6.5 year old at about the same age. He wasn't much of a talker until like 2, and then he started talking little by little. He's now a perfectly healthy, perfectly normal, sometimes even over-talkative first grader.

As for his not liking to sit still to read a book and stuff, that sounds totally normal too! He's very young, and at that age, my kids wanted to learn by doing. They learned through getting up and moving, running, climbing, staying busy.

Having said all that, because your doctor suggested early intervention, it might be a good idea just to have him assessed. That way, you never have to worry about "should I have done that, back when he was 1.5"