I don't understand what is wrong with me or why I am feeling this way. Everything seems "backward" to me.

Over the weekend my neighbor - that I barely know - called and told me she was ill. She explained how she felt and what was happening. I immediately went into "totally focused, super smart, calm caretaker / mom / first responder" mode.

I said I was coming over to take her to the Urgent Care (I didn't tell her I was taking her to the ER because I didn't want to scare her). It sounded as if she had a DVT that was now a PE (clot in her lung).

We got there at 6PM and by 1AM she was in ICU.

I was perfectly calm, cool and collected the entire time I was with her. It was all so familiar to me. Getting the sick call, driving to the ER or Hospital, being in the hospital, seeing all the medical personnel, etc. While we were waiting for triage to see her (I stepped that up with the poor admitting intern / volunteer after waiting 10 minutes) ... I made sure to get as much history, medical info, personal info, etc as possible in case she became unresponsive.

She didn't have any family to speak of and she broke off her engagement to her fiance two years ago. I still can't imagine WHY she picked me to call. I am totally eff'd up.

Apparently not though because thank goodness she is OK and being moved to a private room today.

The thing is. I feel nothing. I feel absolutely nothing at all. When I got home at 1AM'ish, I was a little wired and hungry. I slept for a few hours, woke up feeling OK and went back to the hospital with a few odds and ends for her in a travel bag. I made all the phone calls from the hospital for her, did everything I needed to do for her at her home (I took care of her cat, cleaned her place, tidied up without being intrusive. It was sort of a disaster, and all I could think of was that I didn't want her to come home from the hospital worrying about a million dishes in the sink, the trash bins full, the kitty area dirty, her clothes strewn around, etc).

Then I went home and made myself take a nap. I was exhausted.

I felt absolutely nothing the entire couple of days. NOTHING.

Then today, I am totally depressed. I am at work (barely). I can barely speak, I feel barely alive.

Is this normal? WTHeck is wrong with me? Any input would be greatly appreciated.

[carrie_ann]

hi Rose Panachee, without knowing you, it sounds like delayed reaction to me, things don't always hit us straight away. i wish you could find it in you to be proud of yourself tho as that was the sweetest and kindest thing you done for a neighbor you barely know, not many folks would have. maybe you can treat yourself to something, not necessarily money wise, just something you don't often take the time to do? maybe you could also lift this depressed feeling by reminding yourself you probably saved the womans life by responding so quickly and making sure everything was done right for her at the hospital. sorry if this doesn't help much.

[Trippin2.0]

I agree with C.A, be proud of how you helped a woman you barely know, what you did was incredible, do something nice for you now. And if your mood is a delayed reaction, don't fret, it's quite common, it happens to me nearly everytime. It's just our brain's way of processing. btw, I think you're REALLY awesome!

[Open Eyes]

(((Rose))))
I agree with everyone else here Rose. Maybe you feel low because you were just in a hypervigiant state while seeing to her needs, and that is something you know how to do now. You knew enough to hold off your emotions and just take care of her. And you were surprised by a request you never expected. You did well Rose, but I can understand why you were triggered, but you got through it Rose. Get some rest tonite and tomarrow is another day, know you did well and that you are a responsible person, good for you.

You are a very capable person Rose. I know you are trying hard, working on the PTSD and yourself, you did well, I am very impressed with you.

((((Hugs))))

Open Eyes