[Hellion]

So since I got triggered to freak out the other day after what must have been a flashback considering one minute I was here next minute I was reliving crap then snapped out of that and thats when the whole freak out occured. I'm glad I didn't do any damage, I now feel quite empty and numb. I guess it beats the extreme on edge feeling...but it also increases my not really giving a damn about myself, then I am more likely to be a bit more impulsive and that's gotten me into some not so great situations.

but I guess what disturbs me is, its not how I feel I really am....but then again I experiance it so often I have to wonder. And then I'm stuck wondering who the hell I really am.

I don't really know what else to say, just had to get this out...

[o.kay]

I've had similar experiences. I felt like I was back but still somewhat disconnected, numb & empty. What helps me when this happens is to work on keeping myself grounded. It happens less frequently now as I've been dealing with it in therapy. My T always asks me how long it lasts after. And I realize I get over it quicker now. It's not who you are but a result of what's happened to you.
I'm sorry you are going through this.

[Hellion]

Thanks for your response,
At the moment, I don't go to therapy..I mean I have, but I didn't get anywhere...but yeah if anything things like that are happening more frequently with me then they were before. But yeah I guess trying to stay grounded is not a bad idea.....just easier said then done. For one its not as though things are going very well in my life outside of what's going on in my mind so it does not nessisarly make me feel better, then I start worrying about everything going on now besides my freaking out.

But yeah uhh...its so hard to try and explain any of this, and I don't know where to go from here though I have a couple ideas I just figure feeling empty and numb isn't something that will go away....and of course since its preferable to my constant state of depression or being on edge sometimes I don't want it to go away....and that concerns me because as I said I don't exactly look out for myself at all when I feel that way......because I'm numb and don't care.

But yeah I just feel I get further and further from 'reality' whatever exactly that is the moment like who I'm around where I am but I just feel so distant from it all I might as well not be there anyways. I don't know hard to explain.

[Open Eyes]

Hellion,

Everything you are discribing comes with the PTSD, I have that too, yes it is very confusing and sooo hard to explain to others. You are talking about the cycles really, I have them too. I know you didn't feel therapy was helping, well, it takes time and lots of talking for it to help. I was in therapy all year last year and with the PTSD and my difficult challenges in my life, YES, it was really very hard and yes, I felt just like you are discribing. Yes, I hate how it is, but I keep trying to be patient with myself.
And you are right, it is not always so easy to do the mind over matter when in a flashback or the days where the memories take over. I find that on those days all I can do is my best to let whatever it is just come forward until it subsides. And afterwards I am often exhausted for a day or two, even feel empty and blah.

Everything you are discribing, I am sure many can relate. This definitely takes time to work through, it just doesn't happen overnight. The brain heals VERY SLOWLY.
The reason you need therapy is to talk and talk and stay on top of keeping yourself motivated to be kind to yourself and keep trying even though it is a challenge. Yes sometimes that lost feeling comes a lot, "Who am I now?", Then I have days where I feel better and wonder why it was so hard and was I too weak or did I feed into it and let it control me. I do know I am doing better than last year, I try to pay attention to what these things are that come forward and what they mean. Often as I address them in a conscious understanding way, the power of them weaken. DONT feed into the negetive lost feelings, I know it is hard, I have that too, but I keep trying to remind myself that I can't help this and I have to be patient.

((((Hugs))))
Open Eyes

[Hellion]

Alright, I am trying to be patient and I guess I'm not doing a terrible job for now...but yeah I have a friend I can talk to about some of this, so I guess even though I'm not going to therapy that's better than nothing and it helps some.

But yeah that is sort of what I ended up doing I couldn't supress it so I ended up having to just let it out till I had exausted myself...but yeah its just frusterating to me because I was going to try and get a job for some income in which case I won't have time to be exausted for a couple days...so i feel like I may have to put that on hold untill I get some sort of help with this which I have plans to look into but its just frusterating because i have no income and college debt to pay...so the cycle seems to continue

As for the negative lost empty feelings, I see what you mean...and I don't want to feed into it and it disturbs me because it seems like it would be easy to feed into it and be consumed by it when it hits. I mean like i almost want to..its kind of a 'well I already feel dead inside so why not' kind of feeling not good at all. But yeah another thing that makes it hard is things on this side of reality aren't going so well either....so it makes it hard to try holding on to when I'm on the verge of losing it. If that makes sense but yeah this is part of why I posted this because I sometimes feel like I need something to pull me back before its too late.....like if I just sit here and let it all go on inside without expressing anything that is when I feel myself seeming to just feel more and more isolated and further away. So yeah thanks for the advice.

[Open Eyes]

((((Hugs Helion)))

I hear you, it IS a challenge and any time you feel you need to just talk, just post here if you need to. People here can relate and go through it as well. And there are some that have gained on it and can offer you support from experience. I didn't want to be down, but I wanted you to know that I get the same cycle of emotional struggles. And it took me a few months to find a therapist who is good AND works with me on a sliding scale, otherwise I just could not afford it. But if you can find a therapist that specializes in PTSD therapy, it is well worth it, but it does take time.

Make sure you get rest, and exercise, eat right, take vitamins and be very patient with yourself. Do your best to have a safe place, like your bedroom where you can just be quiet if you need it. Know that this will take time and in time you will slowly get to a better state of mind. I hear you as I said, my financial situation is not so hot either. Maybe if you could find a part time job, because it is good to get out.
Summer is here, maybe find an easy going summer job, nothing too demanding.

Like I say below my name, "one day at a time".

Hugs,
Open Eyes

[Hellion]

Yeah I try and get enough rest not so much on the excercise and eating right though, sometimes I'm lucky if I can force anything down. As for my safe place my room at my moms house doesn't work, I usually hang out at my friends house(But sometimes that bothers me because i feel like its my responsibility to have my own place or whatever)...and yeah I guess I just don't see how I will get into a better mindset if theres no improvement in my environment...and I'm even uncomfortable with society itself. And thats why I wanted a part time or summer job....but I don't know if I can even handle that. I mean if I freak out on the job what would i do?

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by Hellion

Yeah I try and get enough rest not so much on the excercise and eating right though, sometimes I'm lucky if I can force anything down. As for my safe place my room at my moms house doesn't work, I usually hang out at my friends house(But sometimes that bothers me because i feel like its my responsibility to have my own place or whatever)...and yeah I guess I just don't see how I will get into a better mindset if theres no improvement in my environment...and I'm even uncomfortable with society itself. And thats why I wanted a part time or summer job....but I don't know if I can even handle that. I mean if I freak out on the job what would i do?

Well, all you can do is try. I find that I do better when I am working for some reason. If you try to pick a low key environment you may do just fine. And having a pay check is an incentive as well. Sorry your room at your moms house is not a safe place.

Hellion, you have to try your best, even if it seems that your environment is not inviting right now. Things can change, just try to focus on the one day at a time. Hey, I know that can be hard and not every day is going to be easy, some days are a challenge. What I have learned is, the bad days DO pass.

PTSD is not about your life stopping, or that you are now a failure. Yes, you are much more aware with PTSD, but believe it or not, you can be all the wiser, eventually with time. Some say that they are much deeper now.

You have PC as a support as well.

Open Eyes

[Hellion]

Yeah I guess I just don't think a job is a good idea right now...its to much stress honestly. And I do try to focus on one day at a time.....but I still worry about stuff because I never can seem not to. Also from my perspective the bad days never passed before anyways so why would they now? I mean even before I was pretty..Also the only thing I haven't failed at is highschool, but that is not really worth much to me.